Thursday, August 18, 2011

Sacrilege at the Library

    I live in an amazing neighborhood--other than old men stalking women as they mow the lawn, it's great. click here for that story  

    My house is sandwiched between  Melynda (who I'm sure you know) and  NSteedShe said I can use her real name, but the nickname NSteed is too golden to pass up.  Plus, it just came to me like a prophetic dream. 

    She's the one who took this silly picture:


The Crazy Life of a Writing Mom: My Bucket List

      Anyway, NSteed is amazing.  She's classy and nice.  One of the first times I hung out with her, she invited me to reading time at the library.   
    I was very nervous because my son is a goofball and her youngest girl is a sweet doll.  She's so well behaved, beautiful and kind like her mother.  In fact, she's the same girl The Zombie Elf waved to last week.
    So, being a nervous wreck who really wanted a friend, I went to the library.  NSteed looked gorgeous in the latest fashion. I wore my hair in a ponytail.  NSteed knew a couple people there; I didn't know anyone.  NSteed smiled and lit up the room--I shook from nerves.  SO, WE WERE DIFFERENT, you get it!
    Well, NSteed has this way of being the most understanding person in the world.  As we sat, listening to the story, her girl rested with angelic hands clasped in front of her frilly dress.  The Zombie Elf ran around like an airplane.  I could have died at this point, even though NSteed said, "It's okay. Everyone understands.  He's just a boy."
    "Sit down, now!" I finally yelled when he poked the story-reader's hair.  "We're in a library."
    The storyteller looked at me like she needed to spit out her dentures.  
    She looked at me like this:
    A couple new moms turned to me.  I love how new moms can be so judgmental.  They think having a two-month-old makes them an expert ON TODDLERS.
    "Sit down!" I said, interrupting the story yet again.
    The Zombie Elf, shocked me at that moment.  He raised an eyebrow.  Gave the guest story-reader a once over and then sat by my side.  
    The story-reader wore a hippie-style skirt which hung to her feet.  She was quite homely.  It wasn't because of how she looked, it was her attitude.  She'd soured like a half grape in the sun.  I wished I could show her the bright side of life, take her sky diving and skiing.  Maybe she'd see life outside of a book.  Maybe she'd like falling in the wind.  She'd smile then, I was sure of it.


   I pictured her falling from a plane.  Her hair dancing, her arms wide.  I giggled from the thought.  I'd make her happy--I WOULD.   
    After thinking all of that, I turned to The Zombie Elf and realized he wasn't by me anymore. 
   I tried remaining calm, but freaked out anyway.  I whispered to NSteed.  "My boy . . . he's missing.  Can you see him anywhere?"
    "Oh, my gosh," she said.  "No . . . I can't."
    It was terrible, scary beyond anything.
    I stood.  The storyteller glanced at me as if she knew my secret.  She sat with her legs wide and that stupid skirt glittering like it owned the beauty of our universe.  Maybe I wouldn't take her sky diving.  Maybe she didn't deserve my time.  After all the Bible does say some people are swine who don't even deserve pearls.
    That's when I had a moment like this:


    Well, I didn't really have it, but the storyteller did.  

    I'd been searching for my son, looking everywhere, when his head suddenly appeared between the storyteller's feet.  Her skirt fell around his face, framing it like Virgin Mary with a headscarf.        
    All the children started giggling, but the storyteller didn't know why yet.  She smiled then, that sour grape actually smiled.  "This is a pretty funny story.  Isn't it, children?  I picked a good one."
    I felt so terrible.  She'd finally warmed up.  She was happy, needing some validation.  Her face lit with beauty.  Her smile was contagious, until my son crawled forward, and the storyteller screamed.
    It was MORTIFYING!  He danced around, singing and playing in front of everyone.
    We left after that, and haven't been to story time since.  I did learn a great lesson though.  An attitude can make or break you.  It's always good to smile about life even if something embarrassing is going on. 


  1. Bah she was just constipated or something. Who wouldn't smile at the Zombie Elf for crawling under a tent. It was not his fault. All that glittery skirt probably made him think he was a sheik in the dessert emerging from his tent to see his harem.
    As for Nsteed she is a very nice lady indeed, but you are also little miss sunshine and bubbles so I don't know why you ever worry about meeting people. haha me on the other hand...Not as nice. Oh no.. I'm not.

  2. LOL I love this! Classic Zombie Elf mischief! Little boys sure are the life of the party!

  3. LOL! Love your stuff!

  4. Your kids are ADORABLE!! And The Zombie Elf is smart, too. If he was under her skirt he wouldn't have to look at the reading lady's sour face. Of course, the alternate view----well, never mind.

  5. Well you surprised? LOL, all gnomes ( or elves as this case may be) like to find a good mushroom to nap under :D

  6. Quite the adorable story and I'm sure you'll have to tell it to him over and over again when he's older.

  7. Oh goodness! Boys are too funny! At least the kids were able to see something entertaining other than the sour face of the storyteller (and I'm sure all the parents loved going home and telling all their friends how funny it was!).

  8. That's true LOL! The Zombie Elf saw some entertaining things, and so did the other children :0)

  9. haha! Smile and nod, that's my motto...would have loved to have seen a pic of the boy under the skirt. Would have made a great header for your blog...mind you, the header you have now is pretty kick-ass...but still: boy under skirt! Come. On!

  10. When I read these words, "Her skirt fell around his face, framing it like Virgin Mary with a headscarf," I laughed so hard that the three cats (one lying on my desk,one on the window perch, and one by the door) jumped out of their reclining positions and scampered out the door to the hallway. Skittish is what they are!

    They keep poking their noses in right now, to see if I've regained my sanity! Hopefully I never will because I've found your blog and Melynda's. Both of you keep me laughing.

    On another note: Thank you. Elisa, for your comment on my blog posting today. I so appreciate your saying that you like my blog. That means a lot to me.

  11. Ok, so now I'm sure that if we were neighbors your kids would be at my house all the time, they're so fricking entertaining and lots of fun. Melynda's right, the lady was probably constipated or something, how did she not think what the zombie elf was not funny? Give her some prine juice the next time you see her...

  12. That's funny. Ya kinda have to feel sorry for some people. :-)

  13. lol
    excellent read and excellent choice of pic

  14. NSteed here :) It's that nik-name that sounds constipated it you ask me - ha ha ha You are always way too sweet about me. Guess you haven't heard me yelling at the kids daily - LOL

    So - I was wondering if you wanted to go to story time with me this week -

    wink wink Cute post - as always!!

  15. This. Is. Awesome. So, do you like have to go to the library two towns over now? I'm always ashamed trying to reacquaint myself with my library because we NEVER manage to get our books back on time.