Friday, September 16, 2011

The Zombie Elf is a Bandit!

    You've all heard stories about The Zombie Elf running around naked. How he fought Doctor Jones. How he peed in Melynda's yard!  Well, I'd just like to say, he's proven himself a VERY crafty fellow . . . again.  That zombie is something else.
    I'd like for you to picture a quiet afternoon.  The birds are chirping.  I'm singing in the kitchen.  My hair is flowing, (I'm wearing a fancy dress--that doesn't have spit-up stains), and everything seems right with the world, until I turn around and see this! 

    Please forgive the graphic nature of this picture--it's not every day
you see a zombie with underwear on his head. 
    "What in the heck are you doing?" I screamed in fright.  
    Both of his legs were in one pant leg.  He hopped around like a crazy walrus!  "I'm being a dinosaur," he said.  "Rwar!"
    Well, I felt terrified, but still gathered enough of my senses to run for the camera.  I got this fantastic shot.  Won't it look great at his wedding reception?

    Anyway, after the trauma ended, I thought we'd be good for the rest of the day.  I was terribly wrong.  
    On a side note: Why am I always wrong.  WHY?  I guessed the sex of all five of my children.  I wasn't right, not once.  Cade just guessed the opposite of me and now he's all sorts of conceited about being perfect.  How rude.
    So, back to the point, we went to a birthday party, and half-way through the celebration at the park, The Zombie Elf went missing.

    My eyes scanned the vicinity.  I went into stealth mode.  If someone had my boy, I'd beat them down. I may be skinny, but so is Jackie Chan.  I could use my high heels--like nunchucks--and smack those villainous people in the face!  Idiots can take advantage of my kindness all they want, but no one--NO ONE!--messes with my kids, my family or my friends.  Phew--that's a lot of people to look after all the time.  I sure hope they appreciate it.
    Anyway, I searched for my boy and after further inspection, decided another boy was missing too.  I started freaking out at this point.  "Zombie!" I screamed.  "Zombie!"  This was worse than the time he locked himself in the bathroom and ate toilet paper.
    My face flushed.  I ran everywhere.  People at family reunions scowled like I'd dipped into the family "trust fund." 
    That's when I thought about Zeke.  I hate how every time something like this happens, I think about the son I lost.  I pushed the thoughts aside, but tears came anyway and I wiped them from my eyes.  
    Every time my infant babies were quiet in the night.  Every time they fall.  EVERY TIME something dangerous happens, I worry God thinks I suck, and that He might take away another one of my kids.  
    I breathed deeply.  It would be okay--it had to be.  I wouldn't lose my zombie.  
    I've always felt like he was a gift from God anyway, born on Cade's birthday and everything.  After all, some doctors told us each of our kids had a 25% chance of having defects.  He couldn't have made it through with so much luck, just to vanish like Houdini.
     I looked even harder, and that's when I heard giggling in the men's bathroom.  
    "Hello?" I knocked on the door.  If it wasn't my Zombie in there, I felt a bit concerned.
    "Shhh," a little voice whispered.
    "Zombie?  Hello?"
    "Shhh," I heard back.
    "SHHH."  Then silence.
     So, being the biggest criminal in the world, I opened the door and actually tiptoed into the men's bathroom!
    The sight there could have slayed a regular person.  My eyes almost ignited and fell from my face.  Mothers always prepare themselves for the worst, but sometimes they don't think it will actually happen.  
    I looked around and shuddered.  The place was like one of those dark torture rooms where everything stinks and you don't know the right answer that will set you free.
    My eyed fell on The Zombie Elf who had underwear . . . on his head--shocker, but other than that, he stood STARK NAKED.  The other boy stood next to him.  The urinal was at the zombie's eye level, yet he stared at it with resolution.
    "Ready?" The other boy said.
    The Zombie Elf, closed one eye as if perfecting his aim. "Go!" he screamed and the two of them peed.  My boy tried hitting the urinal, while his buddy peed into a drain on the floor.  Pee went up and around.  I moved to the side because it was terrifying!  I've never been in a line of fire like that.  
    The peeing finally ended.  I washed the boys up, but their clothes back on and told them to scamper back to the party.
    I suddenly grabbed The Zombie Elf's arm before he went to play.  His hair was wild and blonde in the sun.  His blue eyes looked at me sceptically.  "I didn't know where you were," I said, swallowing a sob.  "I was worried."  He's so darn cute.  I couldn't help thinking how lucky I am.  "I love you," I said.
    "'Cause I'm awesome?" he asked.
    "Yes," I said.
    "'Cause I'm cute?"
    "Yes," I said.
    "'Cause I went potty all by myself?"
    "Yes," I snorted, patted him on the butt and told him to have fun on the playground.
     He's quite a boy, even if he did put me in the line of fire.