Saturday, September 10, 2011

The Heifer Lover and the Heifer Hater

    I came up with a great idea; I would prank call my brother.  I browsed various applications on the computer.  There were robot voices.  Voices with accents.  One internet program had an option to type your own text and then call the person right from your computer.
(If you're curious about this, 
just google "prank call computer programs.")
    So, I wrote a CRAZY message, quickly typed in my number and thought it would be fun to hear the prank (personally) before sending it to my brother.
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    For more information on the Blog War I'm having with my brother, please click here:

One, Two, Three, Four, I Declare a Blog War

www.middledamned.blogspot.com

Or here:


   After I saw that insanely hilarious video of a cow giving birth to me, I knew I had to pull out the big guns.  
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    A prank call would work perfectly.  

    So, back to the story.
    I typed in a crazy message which said something like:
  You hate heifers?
What?
What?
No, I'm talking here!
Why do you hate heifers?
I wanna know.
Why?
Why?
Are you on Atkins or something?
Don't mess with a lonely cow!
You love the red meat,
but then . . .
YOU HATE heifers!
Yep, I said HEIFERS!
It's you.
Wait, what?
You!
You heifer hater! 


    Like I wrote above, I put that message in the internet program, set the voice for "fast speed" and "Italian accent."  I quickly typed my number and hit "call."
     Cade's cousin was with me.  We waited patiently, a bit excited.  Then the computer said, "Waiting for connection.  Calling . . . calling . . ."
    "My phone didn't ring," I said.
    "That's weird," Cade's AWESOME cousin said.
    "Still calling.  Call IN PROGRESS!  SUCCESS.  Your prank call is being heard."
    I blinked hard and looked at my phone.  "The ringer's on.  It didn't call me though.  What's going on?"
    That's when I looked at the number on the computer screen.  I put my hand over my mouth and gasped.  "Crap!  I typed my number wrong."  I pointed at the screen.  "I typed 687 instead of 678."
    The prank call continued far longer than it should have.
    I was able to tease my brother later, but through the entire day I couldn't stop thinking about the poor stranger I'd pranked.  That's when I knew I should call and apologize.  I tried once and got her answering machine; I promptly hung up that time.  The next time I got a real answer though.  
    Here it is--oh and the video is a bit dark, so I made a slideshow for you to watch while you're listening to the call.  Here's the slideshow and the movie is below that:

Basic dialogue (in case the sound isn't very loud):

Woman:  Hello.

Me:  Hi, ummm . . . I prank called you today.  I just wanted to call and say, I am so sorry.

Woman:  You, what?

Me:  I accidentally called you today.  Did you get a strange call talking about how you were a heifer hater?

Woman:  That was you!

Me: I'm so so--

Woman:   You just don't go around CALLING PEOPLE HEIFERS!

Me:  No I--

Woman:  How could you do that?!  Who told you to call me?

Me:  No, I accidentally typed the number wrong.  Your number is really close to another number.

Woman:  Right . . . Right.  Look, I have been trying really hard to lose weight and the last thing I want to do is answer my phone and have someone constantly calling me a heifer!
   Really who calls people heifers anyway?  People in third grade!  We are NOT in third grade.
Me:  I am SO SORRY.  No, but I mean, I wasn't calling YOU a heifer.  I said you're a heifer hater.  
    It wasn't even  for you.  My brother just keeps calling me a cow.

Woman:  Right.  So YOU'RE going to call someone else and tell THEM they're a cow?  I mean really?  Do you expect me to believe that?

Me: I do.

Woman:  Seriously.  Seriously, who told you to call?  . . . Give me your name and we'll be done.

Me:  I just called to tell you I am so completely sorry.  And I didn't call you a heifer.  And I'm so sorry for what you went through.

Woman:  Right, and who are you anyway?

Me:  I am . . . I am NOT a heifer hater . . . that's who I'm not.

Woman:  So, you're a heifer lover? . . .  Awesome.  I am so glad you're proud of that.  So, wow, that is super fun.  And I'm gonna let you go so you can go love on your heifers!  Okay?!  BYE!

Me: Ummm *giggling* bye

I hung up and looked at Candiss (the ama-ZING cinematographer).
    "What do you think of that?" I asked.
    "Wow, that was awesome.  Of all the people to call . . . a heifer hater."
    "And to think, I'm a heifer lover.  I never knew."
    "Wow," she said.
    "Wow," I echoed.