Wednesday, September 21, 2011

How Did Charlie Harper Die?

    I'm sure you've heard of the sitcom "Two and a Half Men," but do you know the real reason Charlie Harper died?
    Let me enlighten you. 

    It wasn't because he saw this:
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    Or this:
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    --Thank you, Shane (my kind, sweet, enriching brother) for providing those wonderful pictures on your last two posts: A Monkey on Her Back and Never Judge a Book by Its Cover
    Click Here for those pieces of loveliness.  


Anyway, back to the point;
Charlie Harper died because he married Rose
(an obsessive, murderous, jealous woman.)
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    I've been thinking about this today because last night a woman who looked just like Rose nearly killed me too--physcos . . . they're everywhere!  And to think, we weren't even by the subway, and God knows I've never cheated, but still I always manage to get myself into dangerous situations . . .
    Let me explain.
    Cade was at the dentist.  I drove IN RUSH HOUR traffic to get puppy treats, and just stopped at a blindingly red light when my phone beeped.
    "Where are you, you sexy fiend," Cade had texted.  I suddenly loved laughing gas and to think I used to hate dentists! 
    "I'm driving to get doggie treats.  Where . . . are you?"  While I waited, I rolled down my windows and enjoyed the fall air.  I knew I'd be at that light forever.  It had turned green three times and still no one had moved.
    My phone beeped again.  "Closer than you think," Cade texted.  "Look to your right."
    So, I turned from the slush pile of cars in front of me and looked to my right.
    I stared and stared.  There was a bus stop.  A gas station.  A bunch of people who looked like ravenous pit bulls.
    I texted Cade back.  "I don't see you."
    "Look again :), by the way, you look great today," he wrote back.
    That must have been one helluva dentist!  I looked again, but this time, a woman approached the van.  She stepped from the curb.
    "What the hell are you looking at, B*^%$?  You think you're better than me because I'm at a bus stop and you have a sh^%ty van?  Huh?  Huh!"
    "Um, no.  I am so sorry.  I was looking for my husband."
    "Oh and you thought he was me?  You saying I look like a man?"
    No, that wasn't what I was saying at all.  Actually, she looked like Rose on "Two and a Half Men," just five feet taller and built like Hagrid.
    On a side note, why does this sort of thing always happen to me?  I suddenly had a flashback from when I tried apologizing for a prank call.  Here's that link: The Heifer Lover and the Heifer Hater
    The woman stepped closer.  "Well, what were you saying?"
    My phone beeped; I flipped it open, but didn't have time to read the text yet. 
    "I'm sure you're a lovely person . . ."  Who could make money playing a crazy person on a sitcom, "I was just looking for my--" 
     "You were just looking!  Is that what you were doing?  Just looking!" she said.
     I prayed for the light to turn green.  I prayed really hard.
     My phone beeped again.  "Just kidding," Cade's text read.  "I'm still at the dentist's."
    Was he serious?  Rose had fallen into a vat of acid and was about to kill me--BECAUSE HE WAS KIDDING?
    I started to roll up my window.
    "Oh hunt-a," Rose said, then spit a loogie that could have doubled as her lung.
    I wondered then what I'd say at the gates of Heaven.  Maybe before you can enjoy paradise, they make you go to a special digression meeting where you move past your own death.  Everyone sits in a circle and says how they died.
    What in the heck would I say when it came to my turn?  I might shiver a bit because I'd be thirty-three (the perfect age--Jesus' age) and the area around Heaven is freezing cold (in opposition to the fires of Hell).
    "How did you die?" the angel would ask.
    I'd pause.  "Well, my husband sucked in some happy gas.  He seemed a bit frisky, so I believed his lies. Then a villainous woman who happened to be a crazy actress before she fell into a tub of acid, well . . . she sat on me."
    I thought about all of that as the living Rose came closer and my window wouldn't roll up fast enough.  I wanted to veer away, move anywhere, but there were no exits.  
    She barred her teeth, practically foaming at the mouth.  I felt really bad then, too bad I hadn't bought those doggie treats yet, they would have come in handy.
    Cars going the other direction stopped.  My light turned green, but still no one moved.
    And to think my window STILL wasn't all the way up!
    Rose touched my van.  "Fess up.  Tell me what you were looking at."
    I stopped being terrified.  Death has a way of making some people brave.  In that moment, I breathed deeply, owning the fact that weird things always happen to me and no matter how much I want to be normal (or how much I want miracle grow to help my boobs), some things will never happen.  Unless my brother puts my face on the body of a wrestler.
   I looked at Rose and sighed. "Listen.  I'm over-worked, tired, sick of doing dishes and wiping butts.  This was my two seconds of freedom from my four kids (who are with a sitter who charges more than my arm is worth).  I'm sorry, if I offended you, but if you kill me . . . I don't want to explain my weird, untimely death to God.  Do you want to be judged for hurting a mother who just wanted two seconds of freedom?"
    Rose gaped, actually gaped.  Then her mean, hard face softened.  She smirked at me, then took in the further details of my messy van, my unruly hair, one eye without make-up on, and the fact that all the car seats were empty.
    The woman--who suddenly looked so beautiful, I knew why Charlie picked her over thing one and thing two--THAT WOMAN, started laughing.
    She walked back to the bus stop where all the pit bulls sat.  She told them some crazy story and they all started laughing.  None of them looked like pit bulls anymore.  They didn't seem to mind the fact that I really looked at them this time and smiled.  
    When the light turned green and I could finally drive away, I waved 'goodbye' to my new friends.
    They waved back, still laughing.  I thought, Wow, that went well.  I'm so glad I didn't have to explain my death to God, but what in the Hell did Charlie Harper say before they let him go to Heaven?