Friday, November 11, 2011

Some Inappropriate Veteran's Day Humor

    I posted this last Memorial Day, but I thought it might be fun to share on Veteran's Day too. 

Here's the old post (still one of my favorites):

I know that Memorial Day can be a hard day for most people.  It reminds us of what we've lost and what we've gained.  It's an interesting weekend for me because I think of Zeke.  I also smile though because we have another boy (The Zombie Elf) who was born on Cade's birthday.   Their birthday falls right by Memorial Day if not on it.  So, even though The Elf will never replace Zeke, I'm so glad he's here.

Anyway, this story is a very embarrassing story about Cade's birthday years before The Zombie Elf ever came into our family.  This memory makes me giggle though and I figured you might need a laugh.

Warning:  If you are one of my gorgeous nieces or fun-loving nephews (Eon that means you!) do not read any further.  I repeat DO NOT read this.  This is inappropriate for your ever-so-darling eyes.

Love~ Aunt EC (the mature one)

Here goes . . .  This happened in 2005 on Cade's birthday.  Enjoy!

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Cade and I weren't doing well.  I won't sit here and lie by saying we never fight.  It was a hard time.  Marriage (in general) is hard, but especially when you've lost a child.  So, for Cade's birthday I thought I'd get a sitter and take him out on a fancy date.

Grandma Gertie and Grandpa Roar drove all the way to California just to see Cade on his birthday.  They said they'd watch the kids while we went out, but the problem was, I couldn't get Cade off the computer.  He was quite involved in gaming and bullet bikes at the time and said he'd just play one more game--just one more.  Each time he played one more game though, another half-hour crept by until it was well into the afternoon.

I grew tired of waiting and while we sat in the front room, I decided to watch Zeke's tape from the camcorder.  I pulled a blanket over myself and we all snuggled into the couch and got ready to watch the saddest video our family owned.

It seemed like a great idea, a nice way to pass the time since Grandpa Roar said he'd help me transfer it onto a tape while we watched it.  

The video was terribly sad.  I saw myself holding Zeke's hand.  I prayed on the camera.  "God, please help Zeke live."  I looked through the screen.  "Isn't he darling?" I spouted.  "The doctor thinks he might be coming home soon."

I wished I could punch myself in the nose, throw my shoe at the screen.  I wanted to yell at myself, tell myself to shut up because Zeke had died, he'd never come home EVER!  Those doctors had been wrong!

The video switched from his life, to his death.  I saw Zeke's small body wrapped in a blanket.  He wore a Scottish suit and a little hat.  He didn't need the vent anymore because he no longer breathed.  I remembered holding his small body, willing him to take my health and leave me dead, but nothing could bring him back--nothing.  His hand had just gotten colder and it hadn't taken long for his body to stiffen around mine.

So, as we watched all of that, I started crying.  I sprinted from the room and screamed at Cade.  "Get off the damn computer!  I've been waiting for you all day.  If you don't want to go out for your birthday, then just say so.  It's your damn birthday!  Do what you want."

"Fine!" he yelled.  "If you're gonna act like that.  We won't go anywhere!"

"Fine with me!"  I slammed the door and stomped back into the terribly sad front room.  Gertie blew her nose.  Grandpa Roar cleared his throat and I knew his heart was breaking inside.  I wanted to punch something--someone named Cade.  Why had Zeke died?  Why!? And why couldn't Cade just spend two minutes with his family?

It got to the second-half of the funeral service.  Cade and I played a song for Zeke.  It was beautiful, powerful.  I remembered closing my eyes and wishing it would somehow bring me to Heaven's gates.  Tears slipped down my cheeks as I thought of Zeke's still body.  At the end of the song, even though I knew it had nearly killed Cade to play at that service, he looked at the camera, then me and Zeke's lifeless body.  He gave a speech talking about how much he loved Zeke, Ruby and I.

I swallowed hard.  Maybe it hadn't been the best thing to watch.  Cade had loved me back then!  I thought about turning it off and throwing the damn thing out the window, but that's when the video drastically changed.  I stared in shock.  It wasn't of the funeral anymore.

I blinked once, twice.  Something strange was moving in front of the camera.  It was like going from the saddest thing ever to the weirdest.

"What the . . ." Gertie said.

I put my hand to my mouth.  I gasped.  "That person's . . . naked?  Who is that?  What is . . .  Is that Zeke?"

"That's not a baby nut sack," Grandpa Roar said seriously.

All of our eyes glued to the screen.  It was terrible--terribly fascinating.  We scooted closer.  Who would feel the need to tape themselves naked?  The movement was so hypnotizing, I almost forgot where I was.  Who would do such a thing, on Zeke's funeral tape?  I couldn't fathom it!

I thought, still watching the butt on the screen.  Then it hit me.  Maybe I'd seen the butt before!  "Cade!" I screamed.  "CADE!  You need to see this!"

"I'm busy!" he spat.  "I told you, I don't want to--"

"But we're watching Zeke's funeral tape and there's something really weird going on here."

"Oh Shit!" Cade shot through the room.  He nearly ripped the door from its frame as he ran toward the TV.

"I'm telling you," Roar said to Gertie, "that's not a baby nut sack."

"But what is it and why is it swinging back and forth like that?"

Cade's eyes darted from me to the TV.  His face blanched.  He stood in front of the screen and fumbled with the remote.  I still saw everything though.  That big nut sack just swayed back and forth.  I'm not kidding, it was hypnotic!  I nodded.  Roar was right, it wasn't a baby nut sack.

Cade screamed.  "How do you turn this damn thing off?" 

Gertie stood, still watching the screen and hit the power button.  "Cade.  Is there something you have to say for yourself?"

He swallowed and looked back between Roar, me and Gertie.  "What was . . . why was . . ."

"It was Zeke's video!"  Cade finished and dragged me into the next room.  He shut the door and locked it.

"Why were you showing them that video?"

"Because it's Memorial Day weekend and you're too busy playing games!  The kids are sleeping.  I thought it might be a good time to transfer Zeke's tape too . . . hey, why are you getting off the subject?  What in the Hell was that?"

Cade slumped onto the bed and put his face into his hand.  He patted the bed next to him.  "You remember Valentine's Day?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Do you remember what I asked you?"

As I thought for a minute, I heard Gertie and Roar talking in the other room.  They were going on an on, discussing the various sizes of nut sacks.

"It was Zeke's," Gertie said.

"Since when does a baby move like that!" Roar said.  "You know what we saw.  You know!"

I tried holding in a laugh, but it was so hard, my eyeballs almost burst from the pressure.  I blinked the merriment from my eyes and looked at Cade.  "They are hilarious.  Anyway, I don't remember.  What did you ask me on Valentine's Day?"

"I asked if you'd want to watch a sex tape, of us.  You said 'no way' and so I hid the thing, because I'd already taped it, but . . ."

"SO, YOU'RE TELLING ME."  I shut my mouth for a second and without turning my face, I gave that man THE HAIRY EYEBALL. "THAT VIDEO WAS--"

"Of us," he finished weakly.

I heard the couple still debating in the next room.  "It wasn't that big."

"Open your eyes!  It was huge.  It wasn't a baby's!"

I suddenly laughed so terribly hard.  I couldn't hold the laughter.  I thought of the swaying sack, the fact that Grandma Gertie and Roar were still talking about it in the next room.  I thought of how long we'd watched the thing and that I'd been in it too!  I gasped, "You mean to tell me that you taped us having sex and that I just showed it to the world.  On your birthday?"

He nodded.

"The camera was aimed a bit high wasn't it?"

He nodded again.  We both turned beet-red.  We stared at the wall in front of us.  "It was a nice shot of your butt though."

Cade scoffed.

"But why would you put it on that tape?  We were watching Zeke's funeral and suddenly WHAM!  There it was, that crazy thing.  I think I'm gonna be scarred forever.  I knew I hated sex tapes!"

"The tape said 'Master' on it.  I didn't figure it had his funeral on it.  Plus, I didn't think you'd just show The Master Tape to the world."

"At least it got you off the computer."  I suddenly burst into another fit of laughter.

"Well, should we tell them what's going on."

I shook my head.  "No.  Are you kidding?  They just saw us naked."

I thought of how much I love Gertie and Roar.  I didn't want to tell them what they'd seen.  "You can't make me go in there?" I said.

"Even though most of the video was of my ass?" Cade slumped into my shoulder and I grinned.  Maybe sex tapes weren't so bad after all--that stupid thing had already brought us closer!

We walked into the other room after that.  We held hands as Cade confessed to what they'd seen.

"I knew it," Roar said.

"Cade!" Gertie paled.  "Well, I never.  How could you?  How could you tape something like that?  You don't tape that type of thing!"

So, we went on a date after that because both of us felt naked standing there talking to Gertie and Roar.  It was a horrid feeling, probably how we'll feel on judgement day.  Plus, I couldn't stop thinking how Gertie knew I wasn't a virgin--even though I'd already had three kids.

Anyway, I don't remember exactly what we did on the date, or where we went.  All I remember is that we had an amazing time and Cade quit playing video games quite so much.

"Why aren't you playing games all the time?" I asked him after that.

"Because it's a waste of time and bad things happen when I'm on the computer."

I may never get the vision of that swaying ball-sack from my mind, but I'll never forget how hilarious that day was.  After all, how many people can say a sex tape helped their marriage!