Wednesday, October 19, 2011

A Bag Full of Bugs

    Today has been a busy day!  Six seconds ago, to be exact, I chased down a dog who was carrying a bag of bugs in her mouth.  
    I'll give you some time to digest that knowledge . . .

    I know this might not be the best place to start the story, but it's just what came to mind.  Let's go back, to two hours ago, when things seemed normal.

     I've been completing final arrangements for my journal which will be published in 30 days~!!! I smiled as I worked because this is one of my biggest dreams.
    After wrapping up the last plans, it seemed like a good time to celebrate; the best way to do that is to wear fancy boots and eat pumpkin soup.  I didn't have any cinnamon though, so I took Doctor Jones and the Zombie Elf to the grocery store.  I don't like going there because it's worse than beer.  
    At that store, everyone shines in their best light.  EVERYONE gets hit on.  If you're single and looking for a date, it's impossible to leave the place without someone on your arm.
    Don't believe me?  Read this: He called me the "L" word!!!
    Anyway, I'm not into the love connection thing.  I just want my groceries NOT dinner and a movie.  So, I messed up my eyebrows, rushed into the store and was about to leave when the Zombie Elf looked at me with sad, little eyes.  "Cookie?" he asked as if that one word was the key to life.
    "Sure," I said.  Didn't he know we were in a hurry, though?  Strange people lurked around us and I swear they hungered for romance! 
    As I wheeled my two babies and the groceries toward the bakery, my boy's face turned from red to white just like a fading flag. When I finally got to our destination, he bawled saying, "But I can't have a cookie."
    "What?  I thought you wanted a cookie."  I was confused and I decided the store can turn even the best zombies strange.
    My boy didn't have time to answer about the cookies though because a STUNNING, completely dolled-up baker came to help us.  "You're darling," she said to my kids.  "Would you like a cookie?"  She handed one to Doctor Jones who gobbled it up in two bites.
   "I would like a cookie too, but I can't," the Zombie Elf sobbed.
    "Why?" she asked, torn with grief over the dilemma.
    I was interested in their conversation, I really was, but I kept wondering how someone with a hairnet could look like a runway model.  Maybe I should get a hairnet!
    "I can't have one," the Zombie Elf said, "because I can't open my hands."
    And it seemed true.  Both of his hands were balled as if Poseidon's treasure lay within.
    "What do you have there?" the super model asked.
    That's when the Zombie opened his hands.  I gaped at the infestation before us.  I really didn't know what to say because in his hands . . . were about A POUND OF BUGS!
    The woman screamed, dropping the cookie she'd held for my son.  "Oh my gosh!  There are bugs in the store!  LIVE BUGS!"  
    We stood right next to the freshly baked bread.  A couple of people looked up and then scowled at the bakery.  I nodded to them and the gorgeous employee practiced her beauty queen wave.  
    "Oh there aren't bugs in the bakery, just in this kid's hands," she said passing the blame.  So, she wanted to make us look bad?  She'd been the one to force his hands open!
    It was pretty mortifying; I won't lie.  
    "Beauty" got a bag for the Zombie Elf to put his bugs in, wiped his hands with special wipes, and gave him a new cookie.  We went through the store and every time someone came close, the Zombie yelled, "There are bugs in THIS store.  In-a-bag.  Live BUGS!"
   I put my face in my hands and shook my head at one point.  Sure my boy saved me from the predators at the store, but it was still embarrassing!  
    Doc Jones giggled and laughed because she doesn't worry about anything.   Heck, once that one-year-old even made a poopy in the store--good grief some people have no shame.
   Well, it wasn't until we got home and I put groceries away, that I thought I couldn't take anymore.  The dog yipped, wanting food.  Doctor Jones needed her morning nap.  The Scribe called from school because she'd forgotten her homework.  And the Zombie Elf started yelling.
   "The bugs aren't moving!" he screamed.  "They are . . . not . . . moving."
    He stared at them, completely bewildered.  He shook the bag, threw it on the floor, and was about to pick it up again when the dog took off with it.
    I saw everything in slow motion.  The day I graduated from college, I never knew that one day, I would have the honor--the privilege--of chasing a puppy, who had a bag of bugs in her mouth.
    Crazy music played in my head as I ran.  I yelled.  I snarled.  My babies ran after me, the Zombie hollering about dead bugs and Doctor Jones squealing with delight.
    We finally got the bugs and ended in a pile of madness on the floor.  I felt like I'd just won "capture the flag."  
    As the dog distracted my babies, I ran outside, dumped the dead bugs out on the lawn and grabbed two potato bugs who happened to be passing by.
    "Hold out your hand," I told the Zombie as soon as I came back in.  I placed the bugs in his hands and you would have thought it was the rapture.  
    The Zombie Elf hugged me; it was a huge hug.  Doctor Jones jumped into my arms as well and the dog stuck out her tongue and smiled.
    Maybe it wasn't such a bad morning after all.  Weirdos didn't bother us at the grocery store.  I got to see a super model scream.  I won at "capture the flag," and my boy thought his bugs had come back to life.
    All in all, I think  it was a good start to the day.  Now I just need to put some boots on and make pumpkin soup.  It should be fun!


  1. I can't stop laughing & I love how you started with chasing the dog who had a mouth full of bugs. If anyone reads that hook & is not compelled to read on then they are really odd. What a day you had. I thought mine was full of adventure. Heck no, finding out that hubby let the puppy out (who is in heat) and found her in a compromising back to back position has nothing on yours. Live bugs in the store. You can't write fiction that good. Oh and hubby didn't think puppies could get prego. I will have to have explain it all to him especially now that our teen girls are dating.

  2. I hesitate to ask--what would constitute a BAD start to your day?

    Give The Zombie Elf a big kiss from me!!

  3. Fishducky has made a good point: what would constitute a BAD start?
    Your babies, bugs, cookies in a store--who could make this stuff up??

  4. hahaha wow quite the morning indeed, great how you found the good in everything. My grocery store is nothing like that, just a bunch of slow pokes that won't get out of the way. Same time again too!

  5. For you, that sounds about right, Veal. LOL.. I echo the sentiment about college. When I got my degree I thought, "And now I shall conquer the corporate world from behind the wheel of my future Lexus." Yesterday, I changed eight dirty diapers and found food in my hair...

  6. THAT sounds like a very interesting trip to the store. :)

  7. Funny story!!! But I am now craving pumpkin soup. Feel like posting the recipe?

  8. LOL!! This is hilarious. I'm still in shock that you just picked up two bugs liek it was nothing. You're brave!! lol

  9. LOL! A bad day . . . you don't even want to know ;)

    To make this pumpkin soup, you must first wear THE FLASHIEST, BEST boots you can find. :0) These boots will make your food amazing. You won't burn a thing! That's what I figure anyway . . .

    Then, grab these ingredients:
    1 medium onion, chopped
    2 tablespoons butter or margarine
    2 (14.5 ounce) cans chicken broth
    2 cups sliced peeled potatoes
    2 cups canned cooked pumpkin
    2 cups milk
    1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
    1/2 teaspoon cinnamon (A MUST)
    1/2 teaspoon salt
    1/4 teaspoon pepper
    1 cup sour cream
    1 tablespoon chopped fresh parsley
    3 bacon strips, cooked and crumbled

    Here what you should do next:
    In a large saucepan, saute the chopped onion in butter. Add the broth, potatoes and pumpkin; cook until the potatoes are tender. Remove from heat; let cool. Puree half of the mixture at a time in a blender until smooth; return all to the pan. Add the milk, nutmeg, cinnamon, salt and pepper; heat through. Meanwhile, combine the sour cream and parsley. Spoon soup into bowls; top each with a dollop of sour cream and sprinkle with bacon.

    (I got this recipe from because they rock better than Madonna.) *giggles* It's seriously really good though :)

  10. I wanna know what you're going to do the rest of the day to top your morning! Holy Wow! Love this story. And I just want to scoop up your babies and hug them they're so cute!

  11. LOL! :D that sounds like an amazing, fun start of the day :)

  12. And this is why I don't have a dog... or any more babies.

    Sadly, Tony still picks up things and brings them to me to gross me out.

  13. Nothing that exciting ever happens to me at the grocery store. At best, someone calls my kid cute and gives him a sticker. At worst, my kid screams for a good 15 minutes while everyone stares at us because mommy got the 'wrong' hamburger buns. Maybe I'll bring some LIVE BUGS next time!

  14. As Zombie yelled, "There are bugs in this store..." you could have said to the people looking at you oddly, "They're in the bulk's amazing the things people will eat in a recession!".
    Your kids are incredible!

  15. You guys rule! You should make a mini series about your exploits. :D

  16. Just another crazy day at the grocery store...LOL! Never had pumpkin soup before, was it good?

  17. This is why I go shopping after the kids are in bed. No one hits on you, and it's damn entertaining sometimes.

  18. Hilarious! I wish someone would hit on me in a grocery store or just about anyplace at all. I feel so unwanted. So where did the bugs come from? Did the Zombie Elf pick them up at home or find them in the store? I also read The L Word post. I do not like being called ma'am or poison and don't ever fucking call me crazy because I'll go all ballistic on you.

    Lola xoxo

  19. I thought your "L" word was going to be something juicy like, lesbian or lover or something;) I get called Lady all of the time, but I can't stand hon'.

    What exactly were these bugs, like giant roaches and a praying mantis? How many can he fit in his hands!? Yikes! I'd love to see the super model baker's face though on that one.

  20. You like beer! lol Priceless boy stuff! love it

  21. LOL!!!!!! simply just cant stop laughing....the way you have written this is just perfect...seriously how are you managing all these adventures????? a skillful mommy:)

  22. The pumpkin soup was sooooo good.

    And the bugs were just potato bugs. I'm still surprised she flipped out so much. Some people just don't handle bugs well, I guess :D

  23. Now that solidifies the statement, "kids make each day an adventure."

    Glad you survived and I hope no one flings the "lady" label your way anytime soon.

  24. And the best thing of all is how you keep your sense of humor! It's a gift. Thanks for sharing it with us.