Wednesday, October 19, 2011

A Bag Full of Bugs

    Today has been a busy day!  Six seconds ago, to be exact, I chased down a dog who was carrying a bag of bugs in her mouth.  
    I'll give you some time to digest that knowledge . . .

    I know this might not be the best place to start the story, but it's just what came to mind.  Let's go back, to two hours ago, when things seemed normal.

     I've been completing final arrangements for my journal which will be published in 30 days~!!! I smiled as I worked because this is one of my biggest dreams.
    After wrapping up the last plans, it seemed like a good time to celebrate; the best way to do that is to wear fancy boots and eat pumpkin soup.  I didn't have any cinnamon though, so I took Doctor Jones and the Zombie Elf to the grocery store.  I don't like going there because it's worse than beer.  
    At that store, everyone shines in their best light.  EVERYONE gets hit on.  If you're single and looking for a date, it's impossible to leave the place without someone on your arm.
    Don't believe me?  Read this: He called me the "L" word!!!
    Anyway, I'm not into the love connection thing.  I just want my groceries NOT dinner and a movie.  So, I messed up my eyebrows, rushed into the store and was about to leave when the Zombie Elf looked at me with sad, little eyes.  "Cookie?" he asked as if that one word was the key to life.
    "Sure," I said.  Didn't he know we were in a hurry, though?  Strange people lurked around us and I swear they hungered for romance! 
    As I wheeled my two babies and the groceries toward the bakery, my boy's face turned from red to white just like a fading flag. When I finally got to our destination, he bawled saying, "But I can't have a cookie."
    "What?  I thought you wanted a cookie."  I was confused and I decided the store can turn even the best zombies strange.
    My boy didn't have time to answer about the cookies though because a STUNNING, completely dolled-up baker came to help us.  "You're darling," she said to my kids.  "Would you like a cookie?"  She handed one to Doctor Jones who gobbled it up in two bites.
   "I would like a cookie too, but I can't," the Zombie Elf sobbed.
    "Why?" she asked, torn with grief over the dilemma.
    I was interested in their conversation, I really was, but I kept wondering how someone with a hairnet could look like a runway model.  Maybe I should get a hairnet!
    "I can't have one," the Zombie Elf said, "because I can't open my hands."
    And it seemed true.  Both of his hands were balled as if Poseidon's treasure lay within.
    "What do you have there?" the super model asked.
    That's when the Zombie opened his hands.  I gaped at the infestation before us.  I really didn't know what to say because in his hands . . . were about A POUND OF BUGS!
    The woman screamed, dropping the cookie she'd held for my son.  "Oh my gosh!  There are bugs in the store!  LIVE BUGS!"  
    We stood right next to the freshly baked bread.  A couple of people looked up and then scowled at the bakery.  I nodded to them and the gorgeous employee practiced her beauty queen wave.  
    "Oh there aren't bugs in the bakery, just in this kid's hands," she said passing the blame.  So, she wanted to make us look bad?  She'd been the one to force his hands open!
    It was pretty mortifying; I won't lie.  
    "Beauty" got a bag for the Zombie Elf to put his bugs in, wiped his hands with special wipes, and gave him a new cookie.  We went through the store and every time someone came close, the Zombie yelled, "There are bugs in THIS store.  In-a-bag.  Live BUGS!"
   I put my face in my hands and shook my head at one point.  Sure my boy saved me from the predators at the store, but it was still embarrassing!  
    Doc Jones giggled and laughed because she doesn't worry about anything.   Heck, once that one-year-old even made a poopy in the store--good grief some people have no shame.
   Well, it wasn't until we got home and I put groceries away, that I thought I couldn't take anymore.  The dog yipped, wanting food.  Doctor Jones needed her morning nap.  The Scribe called from school because she'd forgotten her homework.  And the Zombie Elf started yelling.
   "The bugs aren't moving!" he screamed.  "They are . . . not . . . moving."
    He stared at them, completely bewildered.  He shook the bag, threw it on the floor, and was about to pick it up again when the dog took off with it.
    I saw everything in slow motion.  The day I graduated from college, I never knew that one day, I would have the honor--the privilege--of chasing a puppy, who had a bag of bugs in her mouth.
    Crazy music played in my head as I ran.  I yelled.  I snarled.  My babies ran after me, the Zombie hollering about dead bugs and Doctor Jones squealing with delight.
    We finally got the bugs and ended in a pile of madness on the floor.  I felt like I'd just won "capture the flag."  
    As the dog distracted my babies, I ran outside, dumped the dead bugs out on the lawn and grabbed two potato bugs who happened to be passing by.
    "Hold out your hand," I told the Zombie as soon as I came back in.  I placed the bugs in his hands and you would have thought it was the rapture.  
    The Zombie Elf hugged me; it was a huge hug.  Doctor Jones jumped into my arms as well and the dog stuck out her tongue and smiled.
    Maybe it wasn't such a bad morning after all.  Weirdos didn't bother us at the grocery store.  I got to see a super model scream.  I won at "capture the flag," and my boy thought his bugs had come back to life.
    All in all, I think  it was a good start to the day.  Now I just need to put some boots on and make pumpkin soup.  It should be fun!