Sunday, October 9, 2011

My Husband MADE ME CRY!!!

    If you've read Bible Girl & the Bad Boy, then you already know part of this story, but just bear with me; it'll get new AND crazy in just a minute.


Yesterday Cade and I went on a date.  We bought coffee at Barnes and Noble.  We walked around the city, laughed and joked.  But suddenly things got serious.  Both of us sat at a restaurant, and talked about the past. 
    "Do you remember the night we took our vows?" Cade asked.
    I didn't feel hungry anymore.  "Yes," I said.  Who could forget?  It was the same day our son was born with defects two years later.
    After we'd taken our vows, Cade's cousin drove us back to their apartment. 
     "So, are you excited to consummate the marriage? Are you ready?" his cousin asked.
    I paled. I'd been so stupid. I hadn't thought of that.
    "We can wait, Man," Cade said. "We're not in a rush."
    "Oh, yes you are," the cousin said and I hated him for those words.  "If you don't have sex tonight, then the marriage isn't binding. You have to do the deed. You have to do it tonight."
    My insides shook. Marriage sounded like a fun fairytale, full of Godmothers, snowy veils and excitement. Sex, well that sounded horrific.
    The point is that things went horribly.
    Cade led me into his room.  Sex lasted for a moment before I burst from the room, my hair wild and makeup smeared with tears.     Cade's cousin saw me and started clapping. They were big, resounding claps that killed my ears. "Good job. Way-ta consummate the marriage."

    I pulled myself from the memory and looked at Cade.  It's been almost eleven years since that awkward moment, but it still bothers me.  
    I was so innocent back then.  Hell, people still think I'm innocent now, and I hate it.  I want to look like the tough chick no one messes with.  Maybe if I join the Navy, it would do the trick.     
     I even plucked my eyebrows last year, hoping I'd come off with an air of mystery, but no . . . people just thought I was more religious--and then they asked me to watch their kids!
    No one thinks I swear.  No one thinks I like vodka.  No one knows I'm good at playing pool or that I've been invited to sew outfits for strippers!  Why?  Because I look too innocent.
     I was glaring at Cade by then, mad about my innocent face, so upset it seemed like everything was his fault!
    I pushed the chips and salsa farther away from myself.
    A bunch of people had cluttered into the restaurant. I heard their happy conversations clearly, but none of that mattered.
    "What do you remember most about the night we took our vows?" Cade asked before shoving chips into his mouth.
    I thought of his cousin clapping. It made me so angry, I raised my voice.  "You want to know what I remember?" I asked, and everyone around hushed.  "I remember, that on our wedding night, your cousin gave me The Clap."
    Everyone gasped, actually gasped.  I couldn't understand what they were staring at, unless they'd been listening, and knew how terrible the clapping had been!
    You should have seen Cade's face.  He started choking on his chips.  His right hand turned into a fist and he hit himself on the chest.  I've never seen someone so masochistic--in all my life!  He whispered then, "He didn't give you The Clap, Sweetheart."
    "Oh, yes he did!  Don't you remember when I ran from that room?  He was clapping like mad.  He wouldn't quit clapping.  It went on and on--like it was in his damn job description!"
     Cade's look of horror suddenly turned to whimsical delight.  "Ummm, Elisa. Do you even know what . . . The Clap is?"  He looked so roguish, so absolutely handsome as he mocked me.
     Yet, how could he be so degrading to his own wife?  "Sure I do," I said, puffing up with the type of pride only an education can boast.  "It's when someone gives you an atta-boy, a pat on the back.  You've been given . . . The Clap."
     "Wow . . . so, that's not what it means.  The Clap . . ." He held my hand and squeezed it.  "Now, get ready for this.  The Clap, is an STD."
    I gaped at him.  Did he really think I was that stupid?  He'd have to come up with something much better if he wanted to fool me!  "No it's not.  You re so full of crap."  I knew his tactics.  I wouldn't fall for his suave deceptions or his tingly touch!
     "Seriously," Cade said.   "You still don't believe me?"
    "No," I said.
    That's when Cade decided to call for reinforcements.  He motioned for our waiter to come over.
    "Oh, my gosh, Cade.  Don't talk to our waiter about this.  Please . . ."  But he wouldn't relent and as the waiter came closer, I thought I could hide under the booth.  Or, I could put the napkin over my head and shut my eyes really tightly.  Out of sight, out of mind?
     The waiter sauntered over.  He held fancy drinks on a platter.  He'd tied his apron just so.  The man was educated, probably attending The U of U, and he wouldn't believe my husbands lies about The Clap.
     "Sorry to be such an inconvenience," my sweet, charming husband said.  "But we've had a disagreement and I'm hoping you can solve it for us."
    "Absolutely Sir," the man said with so much pride I could have melted into my leather chair.
    "Can you kindly explain to my wife, about what The Clap is."
    I looked up expectantly.  Here it was, the moment of truth, but instead of the man saying the REAL meaing, his face looked skidish, like a white-faced mime.  His once sophisticated eyes, darted around seeking an escape.  His lips turned dismal and thin!
    "The Clap," he cleared his throat, "is gonorrhea."  
    "Ummm, excuse me?" I said.  
    "Yes, Ma'am.  Why, what did you think it was?"
    "Well, I thought it was an . . . atta-boy," my voice sounded far away.
    "The waiter laughed so hard.  "Seriously?  You're kidding."
    "Nope.  I'm really not."
    "That is funny . . . but why were you talking about The Clap anyway?" he mumbled, but didn't give us time to answer.
    He wouldn't come near us after that.  He didn't refill our drinks.  Even at the end, when he asked if we'd consider having dessert, he talked from about fifty feet away.
    "Cade, I can't believe I didn't know what that meant."  
    He laughed and I couldn't help it anymore.  I laughed too--so hard I cried.  Everyone stared at us again, like we'd gone insane.

    I saw my mom and brother when the clapping date had ended.  "Do you know what The Clap is?" I asked my mom.
    "Yeah," she said.  "It's a slang for getting an STD."
    I turned to my brother.  "Why in the Hell didn't you ever tell me what The Clap was?"
    "Because."  He smiled.  "If you never knew what it was, we figured you'd have less chance of getting it."
    "No wonder people think I'm innocent."
    "Yeah, " my brother laughed, "it's probably because you are."


  1. Okay, that was hysterically funny! I'm so naive and gullible. My husband and kids do this to me all the time and they think it is so funny. And now that I read your misadventure, I see that it is...very funny! Maybe I won't be so offended next time they do it to me!
    Thanks for the laugh! Sorry. :^D

  2. Oh honey! I know just how you feel :) Everyone thinks I'm so innocent because of my baby face and I HATE it! Then the fact that I am rather innocent just adds insult to injury. We should form a bike gang or something. That is what they call it right?

  3. Haha. Oh my. I would be petrified if my husband asked a stranger that in a public place...

  4. Just grin and laugh and the next time you make spaghetti don't forget to throw a box of red pepper or chili powder into the sauce!!

  5. Elisa, this comment is from someone who was given the name "Sister Innocence" in the convent. I think we both know that innocence is another way of saying naive! So I can commiserate with you on this story.

    And another thing: this just shows the inventiveness of the English language. So many words have so many different meanings. How hard it must be for non-English-speaking people to learn our language. So many colloquialisms. We don't even know all of them ourselves!


  6. I CANNOT believe we share almost the same story! When our 3 kids were young we took them & my sister in law's 3 on a trip to the Grand Canyon, Bryce, Zion, etc. Meals for the 8 of us consisted of a lot of food, which was usually carried in on 2 or more trays. One night our waitress brought all our dinners on 1 tray & we all spontaneously applauded her. A few days later were talking about food & service & our youngest said, "What about the time we gave that waitress the clap?". Cade could tell you what it meant, but how would you have corrected a 6 year old on that subject?

  7. LOL! I din't know it either ;DD

  8. Face it, my dear, you're YOU!!! And it endears all of us to you that you did not know what that word meant.

  9. Lol. I like your brother's comment at the end about you having less of a chance of getting it by not knowing what it is. Lol.

    By the way, I have a really stern face, so though I pride myself on being kind and caring, most people think I'm a b****! or that I'm mad (I mean, I do have a temper but I'm not always mad! Lol.) At least it keeps people from messing with me. I'm a little soft. Haha. :3

  10. hahahaha oh that was hilarious. Is that rock you're under nice and comfy?..hahahaha...j/k. I don't think you'll ever get rid of the innocent moniker after that story..haha

  11. lol only you. I have a book you should read so you don't get caught up in this situation again. Holy hell!

  12. Oh my. You start out with such a sad story and then manage to make it so funny. It's sweet and adorable and written perfectly Elisa. I know this may be hard to believe, but when people don't know me well, they tell me what an innocent face I have. When I first worked at a newspaper the publisher lectured the staff about how they would have to behave around me and watch their language. Before long, I asked a reporter, Doesn't anybody ever say fuck around here? They thought it was hilarious.


  13. Oh Elisa! I'm just as sheltered. I didn't know what The Clap was until I watched "George Lopez" (the sitcom). In an episode, his mom gets it and at one point the mention that she also got gonorrhea (which I had learned about in school). There are also a lot of sex-related terms that I never learned about from my parents or from school until I started using instant messengers and pervs contacted me. So don't worry - you're not alone :)

  14. I also have Tony to clarify things for me from time to time.

    And I am not nieve.

    Really. I'm not. :)

  15. It's all because you were twitterpainted. ;)

  16. That's kinda good in a way that you didn't know, it shows that you weren't permiscuious. I knew what it was in middle school cuz I came from a bad neighborhood where girls started early. So I learned from other girls-THANK GOD!

  17. This is so funny, you poor girl. And yes, you look very innocent, not even getting tattoos like a sailor would change that, and that's good.

  18. That was so funny - I'm sorry. It's not a bad thing not knowing. I would hate to be as worldly as so many of the women are today. I just can't imagine being so hard and rough and not feminine. Ya know?

    I'm following you from the Social Media giveaway and would love a follow back when you have time. Each weekend I have a Fall Themed Blog Hop and Giveaway Linky and you are welcome to join us. It's every Fri-Sun.
    Thanks! Tina "The Book Lady"

  19. Ummm - where is your GFC section? It's missing. Tina wswpub (at) gmail

  20. Hahaha. (Oh man, wait a sec.) I would have loved to have seen the diners' faces. :D

  21. Heavens this is hysterical!!! It reminded me of an extremely sheltered homeschool friend of mine that I went and saw Phantom of the Opera with when it came out in theaters. After watching it, I asked her on the drive home what she thought of it. She said, "It was good except for all that oral sex they threw it!"
    Me: *blink, blink* "Oral sex?? Did we watch the same movie??? There isn't any oral sex in Phantom of the Opera!"
    ...come to find out she thought kissing was oral sex! (and I refused to tell her what oral sex really was!)

  22. I am recovering, slowly, from a belly laugh of my own! This was so funny and told as only you know how. The part about your waiter not wanting to have anything to do with you after this was hilarious! I, too, was always regarded as being 'so innocent' by my fellow classmates (largely because I refused to be drawn into any seamy, adolescent discussions), but having studied English literature at university, I was unavoidably immersed in Shakespeare's crude school of learning under the guise of being afforded a higher education :)

    I do so wish I could have seen the horrified looks on the faces of all those eavesdropping restaurant patrons, Elisa!

  23. Reminds me of the time The Wife shrieked at her computer because she was looking up "Hancock" (for "Hancock Fabrics") and typed it "handcock." I don't think they can reproduce the color her face turned. She's a horrible speller, but I still love her.

  24. OK - GFC is up for a little bit it looks like. I'm now OFFICIALLY a follower. LOL

    Tina "the book lady"

  25. Padded Cell Princess, I also thought oral sex was kissing...until my husband told me otherwise. There are some things I'd rather he didn't have to explain.

  26. Oh my goodness! I think innocence is nice, but I can see how assumed innocence can be a pain. Funny, I've never had the problem. ;-D

  27. Anonymous, think of it this way: if you have kids then your husband is already prepped to do all the explaining! :)