Sunday, December 4, 2011

My Husband AND My Wife; Part II

    This is a continuation from yesterday.  Here's that link: Part I
 Also, if you're looking for the iPad2 Giveaway or info about my recently published book, please check out my tabs.
    Now, onto the story of the day . . .
    Cade and I sat across from each other.  I bet $10 (which would go toward editing fees IF I won) that Cade's friend, "Tony," wouldn't say his wife's name.  Cade had laughed before this.  "I'll get him to say 'Barbara,' just watch me."
    So, we sat at the restaurant.  I'd always dreamed about being a superhero, AND wondered who my arch nemesis would be.  I just never guessed it was my own husband.  Remember that saying: "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer?"  Well, maybe that's what I've been doing all these years; you can't get closer than marriage.
    We glared at each other, then Cade turned to Tony and smiled.  He obviously had a plan.  

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Side note:  Is there any doubt, that I'm the white cat?!  Hmmm . . . that must make Cade the black one!

    "Have the two of you thought about having kids?" Cade asked.  "They say it's one of the first things a couple should think about before marriage."
    I sat, stunned.  Where in the hell was that going?  Plus, you don't just walk up to someone you haven't seen since high school and ask about procreation.  Why didn't he just ask if she was on the pill or the shot--or something?
    I'm sure I paled as Cade took a sip of his water and winked at me.
    "Well," Tony said, "we haven't told anyone except our parents. My wife and I, we'd like to have four kids."
    I looked smugly at Cade.  It was a nice try, but the man had still said "MY WIFE."  Cade would have to try harder if he wanted to defeat me.
    "We thought about naming the Zombie Elf, Caden.  It might have been neat.  We did end up naming the baby after Elisa.  Would you do that?  Name a baby Anthony or--"
    "I'm not sure if that's the best name for a baby," Barbara cut in, smiling.
    Oh, dear, sweet newly-weds. Didn't she know those were fighting words?  And I really didn't care, except for what I knew might come next.
    "Really!" Tony turned.  "What's wrong with my name?"
    Poor, Tony-rella.  That man has name problems left and right.
    "It just sounds like an old man," Barbara said.  "It's like naming a baby Brutus or Harold."
    The plot thickened.  Both of them hated each others' names!
    Cade held his glass toward me as if to make a toast.  Did he think he was drinking rum?  You can't toast someone with water--at least not when you've made a bet.  That just seems lame! Plus, the bet was to make Tony say "Barbara," not to cause a fight.
     "Well can you imagine a little girl with your name?" Tony spat.  "A little girl named Bar--"


    Now STOP, dear reader.  I need to take you away for a moment.  When Tony was talking, I freaked out inside.  I knew he was about to say it.  And it was tricky--underhanded.  He still wasn't calling her Barbara.  He was just using it as a weapon to make fun of baby Barbaras everywhere.  
    I couldn't stand it anymore.  I hate possessive people, AND I LOVE babies named Barbara.  In addition to that, I'm a starving author and I really needed that $10 for editing fees!
   So, let's go back to the story:

    "Well can you imagine a little girl with your name?" Tony asked (previously). "A little girl named Bar--"
    "Oh my gosh!" I yelled like I was in labor, and grabbed Cade's arm.  "I think I left the oven on."
    "What?" Cade asked, wearing a startled face.
    Tony didn't finish his sentence and Barbara acted as if she'd punch him while he wasn't looking.  
    "We came out to eat.  Why would you turn the oven on?" Cade asked, being the worst sort of cheater--no wonder cards are always missing from the deck when we start playing Rummy.  
    I'd made the whole "oven" thing up in the first place, now I had to validate my story?  
    I quickly thought of how Cade gets out of trouble, and I used his own weapon against him.  "Well, I did, Honey.  I'm sorry, but how do you feel about that?"
    "How do I feel?  I think it was a stupid thing to do."  Then that genius paused, realizing he's taught me everything I know. "Oh, geez." He shook his head.
    "My wife does that sort of thing all the time," Tony said.
    "So does my wife, obviously."  
     I scowled and excitement lit Cade's face after he said the words.  "In fact," he went on, "my wife once left the hose on outside.  We left for a few hours, and when we came back, our backyard had turned into a swamp."
    Cade laughed. This was getting serious, so I dug my heel into his foot--too bad he wore thick, steel-toed boots.  
    "My wife does all sorts of things.  I bet your wife does too," Cade continued.  "Wives . . . wives, can't live with them . . . Can't--"  He pushed his lips together and kicked my leg away.  "But Tony, tell us more about your wife . . . Your wife seems so nice.  Your wife seems great."
    "Gosh, Cade," he said,  "You know, she has a name."
    I hung onto every word then.  I knew he was about to say it, and I wanted him too, just to prove he wasn't such a creep.  Barbara deserves a nice guy, one that will say her name at least once a day AND even name a baby after her.
   So, we waited, quietly wondering what Tony would say, when he suddenly spotted the waiter and blurted, "Check please."
    We left after that and as Tony and Barbara walked to their car, I overheard Tony whispering when he didn't know we were close behind.  "They're awfully weird, Barbara.  Don't you think?"
    "Yes, Tony," she said.  "It's hard meeting normal couples.  But you really don't think Barbara would be a cute name for a little girl?  I was noticing during dinner . . . Do you hate my name?  You never use it."
    It was so funny I could have peed my pants.  I hurried to our van and bust up laughing after that. Cade sat in the driver's seat and we shut the doors.
    "He just said her name!" Cade was very proud.  "And he would have said it earlier, if you didn't yell in the restaurant!"
    "All is fair in love and war." I winked. 
    "But I still won.  Now you owe me ten dollars."
    "It was your money in the first place.  Go withdraw the cash, if it'll make you feel better."  
    He just stared at me.
    "Plus, I think you really lost.  Now I know you're a dirty cheater."  
     "Me?  You are!"
    As we drove home, I thought about our conversation in the restaurant.  "Were you really upset when I left the hose on that one time?"
    "Just think about it . . . Wifey.  How would something like that make you feel?"
    "Well, maybe it would have been--" I started before quickly shutting my mouth.  That genius sure has me pegged.  I guess he deserved to win after all.