Thursday, December 8, 2011

Best Thing About Being Married

    Imagine for me, a moment where two people are about to take their vows . . . 
    The couple is soooo in love!  The bride beams brightly in her white dress.  She's a virgin and so she isn't feeling guilty AT ALL about wearing PURE white.  
    Now, picture the groom, a handsome man with a pronounced chin.  If one didn't know better, they'd imagine him as an underwear model, or some other profession where people pay for him to simply . . . look spicy.
    To make this vision complete, I want you to know that the pastor who is marrying this couple recently got divorced. 

    The scene is set; we're ready to go.

    "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to talk about marriage.  God will never leave you or forsake you, because He left that up to women."
    The couple might gape.  If I sat there, I'd stop playing the background violin music--I'd be feeling worthless since I'm only good at playing music at weddings anyway.
    "You might want to rethink these vows. You'll be with this woman a LONG time.  Today, you're about to sign a contract saying that if she loses her health, a leg, her beauty AND HER KINDHEARTED SOUL, you still have to stay with her . . . You could be stuck with the devil herself for all you know--is that a contract you're willing to sign, is it?  Seriously?!"
    The groom might pause, confused because sometimes people who look spicy, well they're schmucks.  
    "Of course he is," the woman would say, batting her eyelashes.  She might look kind, but she's gritting her teeth--she's a bridezilla inside--trust me I've seen plenty of them on their big days!
    The groom would turn to the pastor but not catch his eyes completely. "I guess so . . . yes," the groom says while looking at the bride's chest.
    "And you . . you wanna-be-harlot," the pastor turns to the bride, "are you willing to rip out this man's heart for better . . . FOR WORSE? To smash him into the dust, as long as you both shall live?"
    "Ummm . . ." the bride says, but before finishing, a wise woman interrupts her.
    "Hey, Bucko," the woman stands from the shocked audience, "You have this all wrong.  Is she willing to stay with a man who will probably trade her in for an upgrade?  Does she know she might end up hemming his UNDERWEAR and he might purposely pee on the toilet seat?  Does she know . . . he will bald and take her best years.  Her boobs will sag.  She'll have millions of HIS babies, then years later, he'll probably leave on their thirtieth anniversary?"
     I can picture everyone getting quiet because that's what the thought of pee on a toilet seat does to people. Then some kid would turn to his mother and whisper, "Why would anyone sign a contract like that anyway?  Plus, kissing girls is gross!"

I thought of all this today because someone asked me yesterday, "What's the best thing about being married?"

Honestly, it's that Cade is my best friend.  But there are A TON of silly answers to this question and I knew you were just the folks to share them with me.

Here are some things my friends said when I asked them yesterday (note, some of them are divorced):

"What's the best thing about being married?" I asked

1. The sex

2. A free paycheck, that I didn't have to do anything for.

3. The sex.

4. Nothing.

5. He was taller than me?

6. The sex.

7. She's faithful.

    If Cade answered this sarcastically, I bet he'd say, "It's that my wife blogs about me."

Anyway, those answers cracked me up because they were REAL answers and so honest too.

   In closing, what do you think is the best (or funniest) thing about being married?  Even if you aren't married yet, what do you think it would be?