Friday, September 16, 2011

The Zombie Elf is a Bandit!

    You've all heard stories about The Zombie Elf running around naked. How he fought Doctor Jones. How he peed in Melynda's yard!  Well, I'd just like to say, he's proven himself a VERY crafty fellow . . . again.  That zombie is something else.
    I'd like for you to picture a quiet afternoon.  The birds are chirping.  I'm singing in the kitchen.  My hair is flowing, (I'm wearing a fancy dress--that doesn't have spit-up stains), and everything seems right with the world, until I turn around and see this! 

    Please forgive the graphic nature of this picture--it's not every day
you see a zombie with underwear on his head. 
    "What in the heck are you doing?" I screamed in fright.  
    Both of his legs were in one pant leg.  He hopped around like a crazy walrus!  "I'm being a dinosaur," he said.  "Rwar!"
    Well, I felt terrified, but still gathered enough of my senses to run for the camera.  I got this fantastic shot.  Won't it look great at his wedding reception?

    Anyway, after the trauma ended, I thought we'd be good for the rest of the day.  I was terribly wrong.  
    On a side note: Why am I always wrong.  WHY?  I guessed the sex of all five of my children.  I wasn't right, not once.  Cade just guessed the opposite of me and now he's all sorts of conceited about being perfect.  How rude.
    So, back to the point, we went to a birthday party, and half-way through the celebration at the park, The Zombie Elf went missing.

    My eyes scanned the vicinity.  I went into stealth mode.  If someone had my boy, I'd beat them down. I may be skinny, but so is Jackie Chan.  I could use my high heels--like nunchucks--and smack those villainous people in the face!  Idiots can take advantage of my kindness all they want, but no one--NO ONE!--messes with my kids, my family or my friends.  Phew--that's a lot of people to look after all the time.  I sure hope they appreciate it.
    Anyway, I searched for my boy and after further inspection, decided another boy was missing too.  I started freaking out at this point.  "Zombie!" I screamed.  "Zombie!"  This was worse than the time he locked himself in the bathroom and ate toilet paper.
    My face flushed.  I ran everywhere.  People at family reunions scowled like I'd dipped into the family "trust fund." 
    That's when I thought about Zeke.  I hate how every time something like this happens, I think about the son I lost.  I pushed the thoughts aside, but tears came anyway and I wiped them from my eyes.  
    Every time my infant babies were quiet in the night.  Every time they fall.  EVERY TIME something dangerous happens, I worry God thinks I suck, and that He might take away another one of my kids.  
    I breathed deeply.  It would be okay--it had to be.  I wouldn't lose my zombie.  
    I've always felt like he was a gift from God anyway, born on Cade's birthday and everything.  After all, some doctors told us each of our kids had a 25% chance of having defects.  He couldn't have made it through with so much luck, just to vanish like Houdini.
     I looked even harder, and that's when I heard giggling in the men's bathroom.  
    "Hello?" I knocked on the door.  If it wasn't my Zombie in there, I felt a bit concerned.
    "Shhh," a little voice whispered.
    "Zombie?  Hello?"
    "Shhh," I heard back.
    "SHHH."  Then silence.
     So, being the biggest criminal in the world, I opened the door and actually tiptoed into the men's bathroom!
    The sight there could have slayed a regular person.  My eyes almost ignited and fell from my face.  Mothers always prepare themselves for the worst, but sometimes they don't think it will actually happen.  
    I looked around and shuddered.  The place was like one of those dark torture rooms where everything stinks and you don't know the right answer that will set you free.
    My eyed fell on The Zombie Elf who had underwear . . . on his head--shocker, but other than that, he stood STARK NAKED.  The other boy stood next to him.  The urinal was at the zombie's eye level, yet he stared at it with resolution.
    "Ready?" The other boy said.
    The Zombie Elf, closed one eye as if perfecting his aim. "Go!" he screamed and the two of them peed.  My boy tried hitting the urinal, while his buddy peed into a drain on the floor.  Pee went up and around.  I moved to the side because it was terrifying!  I've never been in a line of fire like that.  
    The peeing finally ended.  I washed the boys up, but their clothes back on and told them to scamper back to the party.
    I suddenly grabbed The Zombie Elf's arm before he went to play.  His hair was wild and blonde in the sun.  His blue eyes looked at me sceptically.  "I didn't know where you were," I said, swallowing a sob.  "I was worried."  He's so darn cute.  I couldn't help thinking how lucky I am.  "I love you," I said.
    "'Cause I'm awesome?" he asked.
    "Yes," I said.
    "'Cause I'm cute?"
    "Yes," I said.
    "'Cause I went potty all by myself?"
    "Yes," I snorted, patted him on the butt and told him to have fun on the playground.
     He's quite a boy, even if he did put me in the line of fire.


  1. Funny.
    Just a little note...God NEVER thinks you suck. No matter what you do He loves you and is especially fond of you. Just remember, if he had a refrigerator your picture would be on it. :-)
    Love you.

  2. hahahaha that picture is hilarious, the incredible hulk, underwear on thh head, dinosaur..hahaha.....yes I agree with men's bathrooms nasty, I'd rather go in an alley.

  3. Yeah that picture would definitely be on it's way to his senior yearbook one day :) This just makes me wonder what crazy stuff my own son is going to do one day...especially if he acts anything like his daddy, haha!

  4. You have to save that picture for his wedding!!

  5. You have my heart racing from that, only because I know the feeling well. The Boy decided to take a swan dive halfway down the basement steps the other night, such that I had to wake him up every few hours all night. Other than rug burn on his nose, he's fine, but the complete helplessness of witnessing the end of the fall is horrible. But even that is nothing compared to the realization that your child is not where you thought they were.

  6. This was just too cute...then why did it bring tears to my eyes!? I love this story. And just so you know, God never thinks you suck! He thinks you're a spectacular mom. Except for when you bring half naked pics to Zombie's wedding! Nah, God would smile at that too!

  7. That's about the only age where a guy can be cute wearing his underwear on his head.

  8. Favorite all time pic! That kid is to much. Having been in his line of fire I can say it's a dangerous place to be. So glad you escaped the firing range. lmao

  9. one of the funniest photos i have seen recently:) the sort of strong art that doesn't need a story, and yet it desperately needs one becuz i must know more:) hysterical, as usual. peeing as such at urinals or behind trees is a male ritual he will never outgrow.

  10. LOL. This was a great post. I'm off to read some more.

  11. I'm glad your scary story turned funny!

  12. ALL OF YOUR KIDS ARE MARVELOUS! They have unique ideas & wonderful imaginations. They are free spirits in an age of conformity.
    You are a great mother to allow them to develop & never squelch their wild & amazing ways--although it can be frightening at times!

    I have a feeling The Zombie Elf will select that picture for his wedding album HIMSELF!

  13. LOL I'm so sorry you got stuck in the line of fire... Seriously though, a kid missing is one of the scariest things in the world. I totally understand your panic. I lost my son behind the couch, one day, and thought I was going to have a heart attack... Don't ask.

  14. Dear Elisa, I fully agree with Romiz Essentials: God--the Holy Oneness of All Creation--would never think you "suck."

    Oneness is giddy with love for you.

    For God--Oneness--is all those who have gone before us and those in our lives right now and those who will come after us. All become One. Our very selves merge into One Love.

    Zeke is that Love. He is caught up in Oneness and his love pours through you. The Holy Oneness of All Creation is, I repeat, giddy with love for you.


  15. I'm so glad that Carol mentioned you at the party today- otherwise, I might never have discovered your blog! New follower!

  16. Youngest once told the day care lady that she "couldn't be mad at (him) because he's so darn cute."

    He was only like two.

    And damn it if he was right.

    And... God doesn't take your kids because you suck as a mother, if that were the case, half of the Hollywood Moms wouldn't have their kids.

  17. OK. I was thinking about it in the shower, and I hope my last part didn't come off as snarky.

    I didn't intend it that way.

    Truthfully, I think God gave you the Zombie, because he knows that you could handle all his naked awesomeness.

  18. Kids are just too much fun.

    It's amazing though, the crazy thoughts that can go through your mind after losing a child.

    I guess I just really want to be a good mom and I always want God to love me. I know He loves all of us, but it's always nice to be reminded. You are all so wonderful.

    You are a doll. I didn't think it was snarky at all. And I agree about Hollywood LOL! Can you imagine if certain stars *cough* likeLindseyLohan--*cough* have kids? Too wild. ;)

  19. Oh please. That picture's nothing. Wait til he gets older by still wants to moon you. You'll be mortified then! Trust me - my youngest brother is 20 and still moons me and my parents from time to time (while sober, mind you). Moral of the story: he's a boy. Get used to it. ;)

    Oh, and you're obviously not the first woman to go into the men's dirty bathroom at the park. I did it once, too. Although in my case, the park had the bathrooms poorly labeled and I couldn't tell which one was the women's bathroom. I was a kid at the time and had no idea what a urinal was. However, when I left the stall, I saw a man standing at the urinal and rushed out of there! I tried to keep my cool but somehow my mom found out and told the Catholic group I was part of in college for a retreat I went to. Oh well. At least it was something. Not sure I've had any other embarrassing moments that could've been used that weekend :P

  20. When you are a grandmother, and armed with all these stories, you will have your revenge. You WILL survive this little Zombie boy, and be proud of the man he becomes.

  21. I don't know how I missed this was so funny and touching. I enjoyed it so much, though my heart broke for you in your search for your Zombie Elf.
    From what I can tell, you are an amazing mom. And as I've said, I think you're an inspirational woman, not to mention tight writer. Thank you for being so honest and for being so funny.

  22. Like many moms, I know exactly the fear you're talking about! At my daughters 4th bday party she suddenly vanished at a place called Incredible Pizza (it's like Chuck e Cheese on steroids...but cleaner) and all I could think about was that episode of Criminal Minds I watched weeks before where a sadist pedophile kidnapper man snatched a child from the mall and ducked out a back employee door. That's the worst feeling in the world. Glad you found him safe-n-sound...n covered n pee! ;)

  23. He is looking too cool and impressive.Nice dress design.

    Zombie Fancy Dress Costumes