Friday, September 30, 2011

I'm Scared of Going to Hell

    Seriously, Hell doesn't sound pleasant.  Plus, I've never been that great with fire.  
    Even in Junior High, when my friends and I would write words with hairspray and then light 'em up, something always went wrong.  Maybe we just spelled disaster--no pun intended.  
  One day when the sun beat down and the winds blew dry, a girl lost her eyebrows.  I bet she still draws them on, poor girl.  The sad thing is, that's almost scarier than Hell.
    (I mean, look at this girl.)

    Anyway, I've always worried about going to Hell.  When I was five, I used to get saved twice a week; once at Sunday school and once during the main service.
    But now that I've been saved--A LOT--I still dream about Hell and being judged.  I looked it up once; the book said I have a fear of mortality.  I even asked a dream expert.  I told him my dreams are always VERY vibrant.  
    "I've even dreamed in clay," I said.  And it's true.  My sister's hair looked like black licorice (just more doughy), and my brother's lips looked like Angelina Jolie's (just off-white).
    The dream expert looked at me somberly and said, "Clay dreams are either a sign of genius . . . or insanity."
    "How do I know what I am?" I asked.
    "Isn't it obvious?" he asked and walked away.
    I felt bad for myself, like an insane sinner THAT day. 
    I'm writing all of this because last night I had another dream.  Maybe it's because I've been thinking about Zeke.  I had someone tell me recently that I shouldn't worry about going to Hell; I should just do the best I can.  He said I have my very own fan in Heaven, a little boy who's cheering for me every day saying, "You can do it.  I'll see you again!" 
   But it isn't that easy.  I want to go to Heaven, I really do.  It's because my two greatest desires are to meet God and Zeke.  
    After I die, if God can spare two seconds to see me, I'd like to play Him a song I wrote on the violin.  It's just piddly (since I am human and all), but at least I have a gift ready to give Him--how man people plan that far ahead?  
    Then, if I get to see Zeke, I'll wear boots and waders so we can go fishing.  I just won't kill any fish since the creatures in Heaven don't like dying twice. 
    Anyway, in my dream, no one stands at the gates to Heaven, so I just walk through uninvited.  But there's a massive building waiting on the other side of the gates.  The building's doors are huge, heavy and shining.  I walk through and it reminds me of where Zeus would live on Mt. Olympus.
    After I go in, a ton of people gather and form a circle.  They invite me to stand in the very center.  They're all the people I've loved and missed.  Every one of them looks at me and I feel a bit sad thinking how many people I've lost over twenty-eight short years.  I scan their faces, looking and searching for Zeke, but he's the only one not there, him and God.
    When I see my grandma, I run to her.  I give her this huge hug and she laughs.  "You always were such a hoot," she says.
    "Do you remember the last thing you told me before you died?" I ask, because she meant so much to me.  She was my second mother, and I miss her dearly.  "I asked you, how can I live without you, and you said, the same way I'll exist without you, we'll just 'make do'.  Why did you say that?"
    "Because I knew you'd always wonder."
    I scoff and the woman actually pinches my cheeks before doubling over with laughter.  
    "So, why are we here?" I look around, not even thinking about talking to all the other people I've loved and missed.
    "We're here to intercede for you, so you won't go to Hell."
    I thought that was Jesus's job, but realize maybe He was surfing in Maui or something.  I feel kind of abandoned then, like I should have said the sinners' prayer a few more times.  Maybe I should have thought about the cross more, bought one of those Catholic necklaces--something!
    I stew in my worries and we all wait for a very long time.  I keep peeking at the people there.  A few of them wave and smile, but others look like they won't pass a favorable decree.  So, my spirit feels warm and flushed as we wait, until suddenly a presence descends down through the roof of the building and toward us.
    I can't see anything, but I know it's the presence of God.  Then, instead of staying reverent and quiet, I rush over to Him because I'm excited.  "I've always wanted to meet you," I say.  "I mean really, you're more famous than Elvis."
    God doesn't even laugh.  "I knew you'd say that," He says dryly like that comedian Christopher Walken
    "Why isn't Zeke here?" I suddenly ask.
    The presence feels so kind in that moment, like I've talked about someone extremely pure and special.  Tears fill my eyes just thinking about my boy, the one who was too good to live on Earth for more than a short time.
    God's non-judgmental voice sifts through my being and my thoughts.  "If you saw your son, you'd seek death more than life.  One of your greatest desires is to meet him again, face to face.
    "I love you, Elisa.  I love all of creation.  Don't doubt my omniscient love."
    The presence of God breathes on me after that, this warm, minty breath.  "Go back to your family," He says.  "Your time to be judged will come later.  Right now, this . . . is your time to live." 


  1. Oh, and those eyebrows are messed up. And I've seen pictures of the people my brother tattoos. Crazy.

  2. Christopher Walken as the voice of God??? that would be my kind of heaven!!

  3. Wow, what a post! I used to be very into dreams. I could fill a whole bookshelf with all the books I have on them. People that dream of death usually have a long life ahead of them..or at least that's what I've heard. It's also true what you're dream interpreter said. I was once told it is rare to even dream in color. When it comes down to it though, don't drive yourself nuts because it's still only a dream. Enjoy your weekend! :)

  4. I love how you ended this! It is your time to live! 've only known you a short while, but I can say with certainty that you're living each moment to the fullest... with your heart firmly planted in the right place.

  5. Wow. :O I loved this post. I've often had dreams of heaven and what it would be like to be there, to be judged, to see my grandpa...

    Btw-the lady in that picture really scares me. Who does that?!?!

  6. I once was told by my bosses wife that I was going to hell since I wasn't a born again Christian. I told her it was okay since all my friends were going to be there.

  7. Those eyebrows are just plain scary, I'll take hairy..haha. Wow that was quite the dream indeed, so many aspects can be taken from dreams it isn't funny. Could be were all just nuts and dreaming what we want, could be we slip into an alternate reality type thing, could be dreams are heaven or hell, depending upon what it is, who knows.

  8. Awesome. pure awesomeness. That's the same reason why I got saved at the tender age of 4, coz the thought of hell just scared the sin out of me. and then of course I'd say the sinner's prayer every chance I get just to make sure I was even if I do backslide, I still got about 70 salvations left!

  9. You are REALLY funny, and that poor girl's eyebrows.... Alopecia sucks.


  10. I dream in color, 3D & an Imax screen--like you, my dreams are amazingly real.

    You have a wonderful gift to give to God. You & your violin are like a modern day version of "The Little Drummer Boy". I hope God won't be claiming his gift for MANY, MANY YEARS!!

  11. Kiddo you need to get Defending your Life. Netflix has it I'm sure. Then you won't be nearly so freaked out.

  12. I promise you totally and completely that there is no chance of you going to hell. The blueberry jam told me (remember it's Jesus in a jar?).


  13. Another beautiful post. I wonder the same thing a lot. I think if we're constantly seeking God in everything we do, He does his best to make sure we get to Him. I'm a Catholic, so I can send you one of our necklaces if you'd like..LOL. Seriously though, my Mom would be itching to pick out a nice St, Brigid of Ireland for you - patron saint of babies...:) many times a day do you think that chic has to water her eyebrows to keep them that lush though? hehe

  14. I believe that lost loved ones come to visit me through my dreams. Is that crazy?

  15. So this is crazy that you wrote this because today I got something for you. Something mingled in some old jewelry that I was offered and I couldn't resist. I'll give it to your for your release of the book, but I just think it's interesting your post today came today. I guess it's a lot like your journal, with Zeke guiding all the way, both before birth and after. Simply amazing... You know how I feel about eyebrows, lol.

  16. Dear Elisa, Dreams, I think, connect us with our deepest desires and our most terrifying fears. They reveal how we really feel about something. They give us an image--a picture--a movie--a 3-D representation-- of that feeling as embedded in people and things.

    When you consider this dream you had please remember to do so gently.
    Embrace the life given you at the end. And play that "piddly" piece for yourself every so often because the spark of divinity lives within you.


  17. I have Heaven dreams, and feel the loss of each person. Such a touching post. Bless you.