Saturday, April 7, 2012

A LONG POST, BUT SO MUCH TO REMEMBER Part II

Fishducky is back for Part 2! 

Lee bought a house on the beach in Malibu.  It was on a cliff & you had to go down (& then back up!) almost 100 stairs to use the beach.  Lee had a cable car installed.  Gus Grissom, who was America’s 2nd man in space, came out to see Lee.  He had already made his space flight, but he looked at the cable car & told Lee it was too dangerous for him.  He used the stairs.
A friend was going on a business trip to Hawaii & Lee drove him to the airport.  The friend asked, “Lee, why don’t you come with me?”  Lee answered, “How can I go with you?  I don’t even have a toothbrush.”  His friend reminded him that they sell toothbrushes in Hawaii.  Lee thought for a minute & said, “You’re right!”--& he went.
Uncle Lee had an “eyebrow” system for setting fees.  Bud claims it was just a joke, but with Uncle Lee, I’m not so sure.  This is how it worked: Lee would discuss the case with his client, who would then ask him what the fee would be.  Lee would say, “$5,000” & watch the client’s eyebrows.  If his eyebrows went up, he would say, “That’s my normal fee, but for you it will only be $4,000.”  If the client’s eyebrows stayed stationary, he’d say, “Of course, you understand that’s only the
retainer.  There’ll be additional fees & costs as the trial progresses.”        
My uncle used to work for a bookie.  Before Bud & I knew each other, his uncle defended my uncle--& got him off.  After one of his cases (the guy was probably guilty & I’m sure Lee got him a reduced sentence) he received a letter his client had written him from prison.  It went something like this: “Dear Mr. ------, I want you to know how proud I am of you.  When the judge sentenced me to 20 years, you stood tall & took it like a man, while I almost passed out on the floor….”
He was a true renaissance man.  He was a raconteur, he played the guitar & sang & he even made jewelry with tiny shells & starfish embedded inside.  He sometimes wore a bolo (string) tie to court, with a homemade slide.  One judge chastised him for having such a casual appearance.  He told the judge (lawyers are NOT under oath) that he was some kind of big mucky-muck in an Indian tribe.  He said that the tie & slide WERE formal dress—actually, they were a badge of honor.  The judge apologized to him in open court.  
When the courts ordered castration as a condition of probation in sex cases, he wrote this poem:
AW, NUTS!
With respect for our great nation   
Built upon the firm foundation
Of brotherly love and toleration
Concerning a Municipal Corporation
Wherein in criminal litigation
Sanctioned by the administration
The Court does order castration
As a condition of probation
In lieu of incarceration
In a penal habitation
    WHICH I THINK’S THE NUTS!
It taxes one’s imagination
That American civilization
Should permit emasculation
By judicial declaration
Which causes great humiliation
Permanent physical desecration
Destroys God’s gift of germination
Is contrary to all legislation
Passed to prohibit copulation
Or other forms of fornication
By those who suffer from frustration
    WHICH I THINK’S THE NUTS!
There should be investigation
Concerning human degradation
Of this sex abomination
Then those who fear effemination
Resulting from cohabitation
May face again the population
Without danger of discrimination.
To stop this dreadful violation
This ode is written in protestation
And tho I suffer accusation
    ALL I CAN SAY IS “NUTS”!

----fishducky