Monday, November 7, 2011

I'm feeling suicidal what do I do?

    I was looking through search topics that brought people to my site, and this one broke my heart: 
"I'm feeling suicidal what do I do?"
    I can't describe how many emotions are running through me right now.  "Why?" you ask.  Maybe it's because I've been there.
    I'm not a professional . . . I don't have a simple answer, so today, I took time to write a story that shows how I feel.  When I'm depressed, this line of thinking gets me through.  I hope it will help someone else as well.

    Once, a long time ago, a father lived in a cottage which sat in the middle of a bright, magical forest.   Part of him had crumpled and died from sadness after riding through the test of fate, but new-found joy came from his housekeeper and two children who stayed with him.  His children were very young though, and if their father died, they wouldn't have remembered his name or even his face.  
    The father and housekeeper looked out through the window, and thought about all of this as the children played outside, enjoying the shade and bounty the trees offered.  It was then that the forest turned dark with pain.  The very trees bent away from the cottage, cringing as if they grasped the mood of everything around.  
    A knock resounded from the front door.
    "Hello?" The father answered the door, then his eyes turned wary.  
    A massive snake slithered into the house, grew and billowed, smoking into the shape of a man who was pale, dismal and graying.
    "What do you want?" the father asked.
    "The lives of your two children."
    "Haven't you taken enough from me, Levi?" the father spat.  "Do what you're best at--go prey on the weak.  Leave what's left of my family alone!"
    "Are you afraid?" the evil man asked, chuckling softly.
    "Never!  You're beneath me; your very presence has no power here."  But the father did seem worried despite his truthful words.
    "Then you won't mind taking a wager.  I bet that if your children couldn't see you or even touch you, they would turn into greedy or self-loathing people."
    "No they wouldn't," the father yelled.  "Not my children."
    "Ha!  Well, then, give them the chance.  Let's see what happens to these amazing children without guidance from you or their insignificant housekeeper.  I'll spare their lives now, but if they do fall for my ploys, then when they die, I get to keep their souls."
     The housekeeper ran into the room and tugged on the father's arm.  "No," she pleaded.
    The father didn't listen though.  "You'll both see the power of a human heart," the father said and shook hands with Levi, the darkly-clothed sorcerer.

    Years passed and although the children no longer saw their father, the housekeeper or even the cottage they'd once lived in, they survived in ignorance.  
    The father was a powerful magician as well, and when he'd bargained with Levi, he'd used magics of his own.  Yes, his children couldn't see him or touch him, but if they wished, they could still sense his presence.
    He watched them grow and every time they fell or got hurt, fought or cried, he wished he could protect them from the pain.  But he couldn't, he'd made an unbreakable deal, and his protection could only do so much.
    "I hate him!" the boy said when he was a teenager.
    "Who?" his sister asked.
     "Our father, if we ever had a father.  Our parents must have left us alone in the middle of a forest.  I don't know about you, but I'm getting out of here."
    So, they left together.  And as they traveled, the father and housekeeper followed them closely.
    Rain and snow came, but the housekeeper protected them.  She'd always had a special relationship with the elements, and so she used it to help the children while they were growing up.
   The father nearly cringed when they passed beyond his property because although he couldn't do anything, they were entering the lands of Levi the sorcerer.
    The second they passed the boundary, a strange woman appeared before the two teenage children.  "Are you lost?" she asked.
    "No," the boy answered, "but we would like to find our way out of here."
    "Well what are you seeking?" she crooned.  "After all, the only thing worth seeking is power.  I can bring you to a place where riches can be found and friends can be bought.  Your wildest dreams can come true."
    The girl didn't seem convinced, but her brother jumped at the chance. "Take us there."  
    So they traveled with the woman, and the whole time the father and housekeeper tried warning them with whispers and worries, "Don't follow her.  She's really Levi!"
    But the teenagers couldn't hear the warnings.  And when it came time that they saw a beautiful castle in the distance, the brother sneaked off before anyone could wake up.  He figured if he earned a fortune, he wanted it all to himself.
    The father and housekeeper grieved over the son's poor choice.  But nothing could be done--he'd shown his worth.
    When the sister woke up, no one was there.  In fact, where the old woman had slept, the only thing in her place was a glistening knife.      
    The girl turned her face away. She held her knees close to herself, and cried.  "I'm so alone.  Doesn't anyone know what it's like living this way?  My brother left me.  I never wanted gold or jewels, I just wanted someone to really appreciate me.  There's nothing to live for!"
    "Then do it," a voice whispered into the recesses of her mind.      
    Although Levi, in his true form, stood behind her, he'd made himself invisible to her.  "Your brother is greedy; now you're the most pitiful human known to man.  Just end it now.  KILL . . . YOURSELF.  The world would be better without you."    
    The young girl sobbed even harder.  At first the notion seemed ridiculous, almost silly.  But as she sat there for hours, the more she thought, she nodded.  Maybe it wasn't so silly after all . . .
    "Don't!" the father screamed.  He and the housekeeper had been watching the whole time.  
    Levi laughed as the girl picked up the knife which had rested where the woman had been.  "One simple action could end it all."
    "No," the father ran to her.  "I'm here, I've been here.  You can't see me, but I know you're strong enough to make the right choice.  Don't kill yourself!  Please just open your heart and you'll feel my presence."
    But the girl, so absorbed in her own pain and self-pity, could not hear her own father.  
    "You're terrible. Filthy!"
    "Stop it!" she screamed aloud.  "Won't anyone ever love me.  But why would they?  I am so pathetic."
    The knife came closer, closer to her wrists. 
    It wasn't until the housekeeper sent a wind toward the girl, that she paused in her action.  
    The father tried taking away the knife, but he couldn't.  The choice--the victory if she conquered this test and lived--that would belong solely to the girl.  She sniffled into the wind, sat in the middle of a beautiful meadow, and no longer saw the beauty of life.
    The father cried then, big tears which seemed strange coming from such a strong man and as he cried, the wind carried his tears and they fell on his daughter's cheeks.
    "If she only knew that someone out there loved her.  If she didn't feel so worthless."  The father bent and hugged her.  "I love you.  I'm so sorry.  I wish I could take away the pain, but this is something you have to conquer on your own," he said.  "Please be strong!  I promise things will get better if you just hang in there."
    The knife came closer and then wavered.  
    "I love you," he said one last time, and as the winds subsided, the beautiful girl looked up, confused.  Pain filled her eyes. "Father?" she asked.  The knife slowly fell from her hand.  "Father!" 
    "Yes," her father said expectantly, and his daughter actually heard him.  
    She stood and looked around as a gentle understanding lit her face.  "Things will get better?" she said.  
    "They will."  He stood so proud.  She proved herself strong, resilient in adversity.  She'd faced one of the biggest battles in life--and overcome depression. 
    "Because this is my one life to live," she nodded.  Her face turned to the fading wind and she smiled.  "I'm so glad you're real."  Then her eyes looked at the glowing city.  "I need to tell my brother."
    Levi screamed more upset than he'd been in centuries.  "Leave your brother alone!"
    "Leviathan," the father said using Levi's full name.  "You may think you've gained my son.  But  remember . . . you've lost my daughter.  She was never weak enough for you, and now she's going to share her strength with my son!  My power multiplies growing with love and knowledge.  Your strength only feeds off the weak!"
    Leviathan turned to angry vapor as the father and housekeeper followed the girl.
    "Levi's on his way to influence my son."
    "But she hears you now," the house keeper said.  "Don't lose hope."
    The girl walked ahead of them.  The rising sun kissed her dancing hair and resolute face.
    "She is beautiful," Father God said to the housekeeper.
    "Of course," Mother Nature Replied.  "She was made in your image."  
    They held each others' hands as they followed the daughter, and walked toward the city where each human in tested and tried.

    In closing, I just wanted to write something to the person who googled this . . .
   YOU are special!  
    There have been three times when I've depressed to the point of being suicidal.

    Once, in high school, certain kids were being VERY mean to me.  I asked for help from a teacher and a youth pastor as well.  Unfortunately neither of them helped me.  It was at that point I decided I had some abusive, toxic relationships in my life.
    So, point one is: If you're feeling suicidal because of things people have or are telling you, break off those relationships and surround yourself with people who realize your worth.

   The next time I thought about suicide was months after my son died.  I came through that because I knew, deep down, things would get better.  Life is how you see it.  Choose to see good and you'll see it.  Choose to see bad, and you'll see that too.
    At that point in my life, I started looking beyond myself and my own problems, I began helping others.  Doing this--helping others in need often takes the focus of yourself and will help you realize your own value as well as the value of others.  How can you help?  What is your place in this world?  We're all special, find what makes you special by helping others in the way only you can.  If you've been hurt by someone, find others who have gone through similar things.  Help them!
   Point two: If you're suicidal, look for the good and also try to help someone else.  

    The last time I struggled with this was several years ago when I had SEVERE postpartum.  
    Point three: If you're having thoughts that don't seem logical at times--even to yourself--seek professional help.  

    These resources are often free!
Call a suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Or call for prayer: 1-800-759-0700

Find online resources:

    I know this post might seem silly, but I felt compelled to write it after reading what someone searched.  

Dear reader,
    Please know how special you are.  Whether you believe in God or not, you have to admit we're all different.  You have something amazing and wonderful to offer the world.  Don't give up now.     
    There's a whole future waiting just for you.  Grab ahold of life and don't let go.  Just imagine the positive impact you can make on the lives of others.  Think how many people could learn from your story.
    Things will get better.  Just hang in there.  You are not alone.  And like I wrote before YOU ARE SPECIAL! 


  1. What an inspiring post - I am grateful you followed up on what you were prompted. We never know who's out there that needs a few kind words to make it through the day!

  2. Elisa, You are wonderful and sweet and I'm sure you have helped that person.


  3. This was a pretty heavy post, but good for you.

  4. Great story, wow you delved deep with that one and yes no matter the crap that is going on, one should push on, because we all are special in our own way, even if you are a rhyming nut that's a little too ummm special..hahaha

  5. Thank you for sharing all that, Elisa.

  6. Found you on vB, and am so glad- this is incredibly poignant and beautiful. I am sharing this story with a FB friend who struggles with depression. Thanks so much for your words.

  7. Such a great post. I'm certain God's hand was orchestrating the events surrounding this post. You have undoubtedly touched someone's life. God bless you and thank you so much for such beautiful words. :)


  8. Elisa,
    Another great source for help is Mental Health Services; they help people find doctors and groups within their zip code. The number is 1-800-715-4225.

    I hope this additional information can help someone who needs it.

    Take care, everyone.

  9. What a love you are for posting such a kind and caring story. I am hopeful that if they were searching those words, they were truly seeking help. Whether that particular person comes back to your blog or not, you may never know...but a post like this could be just want someone else needs to step back from that ledge.
    I remember the day back in June when you popped in just to say you were thinking of me at a moment when I needed it most. How great it is to know you!

  10. A lot of people would've ignored that search, so kudos to you for saying something and sharing your story...:)

  11. This is beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. Sweet sweet story. Thanks for sharing.

  12. Oh my gosh, the goosebumps that I got from reading this! You are very right. Everyone is special in their own way. People need to surround themselve with people that know what they have. Thank for you posting this :) You proably just helped a lot more people that you actually believe.

  13. Elisa, Once again you have shown what a wonderful, caring person you are. I'm so blessed to have you in my life.
    Thank you for being you and reaching out to those in need. I hope whoever wrote that will come back and see what you said.

  14. I love seeing these comments, and the fact that you took time to post this. I hope that people will consider dialing 211 from their cell or home phones wherever they are. Those are telephone counselors who can help with anything, from a phone number to the local food bank to an active suicide in progress.

    Adriana Ryan

  15. This world needs more Elisa's.

    You are an amazing person x

  16. Beautiful!

    I also had SEVERE post pardom, and also had much thoughts about ending it all.

    Clearly, I also sought help.

  17. This post is just one more reason I love you, Elisa!!

  18. Thanks so much Elysa, I wish the same could happen to me. This was a very special post.

  19. I'm teary. I've taught several students over the years who've felt alone, helpless, hopeless. Thankfully they're all still with us, but it's awful to see someone struggle like this. Even though solutions can be hard to see, hard to find, I believe they're always there. We can't let them give up.

  20. first off, when I saw this come across my twitter you scared the hell outta me!
    Second, love the new look.
    Third, you are so awesome to have written this post for that one person out there.
    Fourth, as always, you are such an inspiration

  21. PS-- i forgot to tell you I like the new look here.

  22. Beautiful new digs you've got going on here Elisa! :D

    Aww, that poor little thing. So nice of you to give encouragement to hang in there.

    (Hugs you) You're awesomeness.

  23. Elisa,
    the world needs more like you, of you.
    You are wise & wonderful. Love & Hugs...

  24. One thing this post definitely does not seem is silly. Good job, very good job. ~Mary

  25. So sincere. So honest. Thanks for your example. I've been reading & enjoying Golden Sky. We've had our own little crises to try to manage these past months, so it's taken me a bit to start into it. Your writing is impressive as always. Just a few more days until release! Best--
    Robb S

  26. I feel suicidal a lot I look after 3 wonderful boys 6,10 & 15 on my own and it is hard as I work full time to support myself. I almost left my children today because I can't do this anymore but reading this post has helped me to refocus on the good in my life I find all I need to do is walk away for an hour to think and remember the good when all I feel around me is bad I love my children and am blessed to have them I should be thankful for that and I am

  27. Anonymous,
    Please know that I'm praying for you.

  28. Beautiful post Elisa. The world definitely needs more caring and compassionate people such as yourself.