Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Ugly Baby Reprise

    It cracks the Hell out of me, but for the past months, this has still been one of my most popular posts.  So, I thought I'd share it again.  Here goes.

I swear I'm not making this up . . .

To have an ugly baby you must:

#1    Swoon Mr. Bean

#2    Eat unhealthy . . . healthy eating leads to cute babies.  Unhealthy eating--if it involves coke and chips--also lead to cute babies.  If you're wanting to pack an ugly, you must eat things like MSG and those gummy candies with loads of dye in them!

#3    You must have whoopie in the light.  Darkness leads to cute babies.  If you're going for an ugly one, please keep the lights on full blast.  Buy photography spotlights if you have to, construction light, I don't care, just do it!

#4    Have your man drink three cups of coffee right before making "the ugly."  Three cups--to the drop--no more, no less.

#5    Never--UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES--eat cereal. This is a fatal 'no, no' as cereal leads to ultimate cuteness.  I've watched it happen time and again.  Mothers who eat cereal have prize-winning babies.  I know a baby named Sam who's a cover model--trust me, her mom ate cereal.

#6    The reverse cowboy position is your bane.  Don't do it!  Anything to do with cowboys . . . it leads to cute babies.

Well, I guess not ALL things related to cowboys.
Cowboy Mimes might actually help babies cross over to the ugly side!  I normally LOVE mimes, but this is just strange in a Joker kind of way!

So, with all that being said . . . I'm totally kidding.  I googled "How to have a boy" and most of this information came up as what NOT to do.   Whether you believe it or not, that's up to you, but for me . . . I think it's hilariously awesome!

I've been thinking of babies filled with ugliness because of my amazing neighbor.  Her kids are awesome!  They're as cute as you can get and witty too.

Here check out her blog if you want a cute baby and good luck to follow you all of your days:
Crazy World

Anyway, her daughter came over and randomly told me some of her theories on life.  Now, if you've read any of my blogs, you probably know that I have some prize-winning theories of my own.  Like: Manly Man, Leg Crosser or Intellectual or my theory on turning thirty, or how Boots can make or break you!  Trust me, these theories should go to the law phase--they're practically made from gold.

So, back to the point, Melynda's daughter came over and she said, "I know how to make an ugly baby."

I cleared my throat and after wiping the shock from my face, squinted in her direction and said, "Oh, really?  And how does one go about . . . making an ugly baby?"

"Well, two ugly people, will make an ugly baby.  Two good looking people, will make an ugly baby.  The only way to have a cute baby, is if you have one ugly person and one cute person."

"So . . . you better find yourself an ugly man," I said.

"Exactly," she said and plopped down on my couch.  I love that girl.  She's honest and sweet.  She has this amazing personality that just shines--even in the darkness--and is so much fun to be around.  I love her sense of style.  She's always wearing steam punk clothes that don't match, but come together in this awesome way only a master could foresee.  She does her make-up perfectly--cat eyes and kissy lips.  She's spunky and fun, just the way people should be!

"But what about Depp?" I asked knowing she has a thing for good ol' Johnny.

"Johnny Depp?" she asked.


She thought for a minute.  "If I married him, then I'd adopt.  People have to make concessions sometimes."

"That's true."  As we sat there, I started thinking about how cute my kids are.  I thought about it for a minute--then gasped!  "If your theory is true . . . that must mean . . . I'm really ugly!"


"Well, Cade's handsome and the kids are darling . . . that only means one thing."  I looked at her.  My lip pouted.

"You're right," she said, simply shocked.  "You're totally right."

She'd agreed with me.  I slumped into the couch.  "Wow."  I sighed, the sigh of an ugly, cute baby-making mother.

"Yeah," she giggled in my direction.  "That means one thing.  Cade's cute, you're cute, your kids are cute.  That means there's an exception.  Every rule has its exceptions."

I laughed, doubling over from her darlingness.  She's such a doll!  I'm so glad I know her and that she comes over to visit every once in awhile.  We always have the funniest conversations.  I'm just glad I'm not the only one who has such awesome theories.

Do you have any golden theories?  I hope you do because I'd love to read them!


  1. I have this crazy theory that after you hit the age of 50 your life goes in one of two directions. It can either go in the direction that you immediately feel you should be in a rest home and give up on life or you begin to regress in 49, 48, 47, etc. Either way I guess the end result is the reach a stage that you will be wearing diapers once again :-) I sure hope they have adult huggies with The Three Stooges on them...I love Moe, Larry and Curly

  2. Ah-ha!! I remember this! Still just as hilarious the second time around! Have you ever thought about making your blog into a book? There is so much amazing material I would happily set my self up with a blanket, a cuppa and read your shannanagins, spend the day in the world of Elisa Hirsch. There's plenty of laughs! That's why I love it here.

  3. The Three Stooges are hilarious lol

    Thank you so much!
    I've thought about it. I even have a cover, if I go that route. It's THE SILLIEST cover ever. :0)
    I can hardly believe I've written enough blogs to fill two books. So fun.


  4. It doesn't surprise me that Melynda's daughter is so cute and funny!

  5. She's a hoot! And sooo photogenic! I love that kid ;)

  6. That's such a cute story! I don't have any theories, but it's kind of crazy all the stuff people say about how to have a boy/girl/ugly/twin baby. o_O

  7. I am still disturbed by that baby photo, that is one super ugly kid, Leave it to kids to have the most logical of ideas and theories. I'm sure I have plenty of weird ones myself, just can't think of any. And yes, you have some pretty cool neighbors....

  8. I am really scared that I will have a ugly baby!! I am evil arnt I...

  9. My favorite one--the reverse cowboy position... :) Cowboys are sexy, of course they'd made SUPER CUTE babies!

  10. lol I loved this the first time and it's just as funny the second. Stinking Meaghan.

  11. So wait. I'm lost. Does this mean that ugly is a recessive or dominant gene?

    I was not good at biology.

  12. What a funny theory, though I bet has some truth to it!