Saturday, July 23, 2011

Toilet Paper Mystery

    All the toilet paper went missing.  Not some of it, not just the paper, but the dozen rolls as well. 
    I knew it was The Scribe.  Why is she always guilty?


    "Can I have a baton?" The Scribe asked.
    "Not today . . . you'll have to play with something else."  I paused.  "Did you notice that all the toilet paper is gone?  Even the rolls?" I asked her.
    "No." She shook her head.  "But I knew you'd say I couldn't get a baton.  I haven't noticed anything about toilet paper though.  I've been too busy cleaning the house."
    "Really?"  She has chores, but they aren't something she'll just volunteer to do.  "Like what?"
    "Doing the dishes.  I put all my clothes and The Hippie's clothes away.  Then I-took-out-the-garbage.  I cleaned my shelves. I--"
    "O-kay.  You took out the garbage?  Did you happen to throw away TWELVE ROLLS of toilet paper?"
    "I don't know what you're talking about."  She smiled.
    So we sat across from each other.  I told her we'd stay there, until she told the truth.  
    Have you ever had a showdown with your own kid?  It's wild, like facing the other side of yourself, one who anticipates your every move!  I blinked, then she would.  I moved my left arm; she'd move her right.  I didn't expect it to go on as long as it did, but suddenly The Scribe got bored and ended it.  "I don't know what you're talking about, but I'd like to go play now.  Sorry you like toilet paper so much."
    "All right, but if you had something to do with this . . ."
    She ran outside, hid near the lamb's ear bushes and worked for hours.  The funny thing is, that she did clean a bit of the house.  I knew because she'd put all the books away, closed the book shelf door and taped a note to it.  The note read, "This took forever to clean.  Please do not use ever again!  I don't care if you like reading."
    She'd left out one book for each of us.  Apparently the only books I can ever read again are Spiderwick, Junie B. Jones (for The Hippie), a couple touch and feel books for the kids, my Bible and Lord of the Rings. 
    That cracked me up.  I guess, I should consider having a funeral for the other books, since I'll never open them again!
    I looked out the window at that point.  I couldn't figure what she was doing, until she finally came in and said she had a surprise.
    "I've prepared a show for you," she said.  Then  she pulled out two homemade batons and I almost fainted.  "I knew you might get mad, but before you do, know this was the plan the whole time.  I wanted to make you happy.  I'm not just trying to get out of trouble."  
    The batons were ingenious, in a red-neck sort of way.  She's put a water bottle at each end, and about four empty toilet paper rolls in between.  She'd duct-taped the rolls, so water would slosh through as she danced.

    Before I could say a word, or cry about my lack of two-ply, extra soft toilet paper, The Scribe passed a baton to The Hippie and my two girls started dancing.  They flitted across the yard, laughed and giggled.  They sang some rhythmic beat, and after they finished, they gave me a card.
    "Mom," I read aloud, "We just want you to know how much we love you.  That's why we cleaned the house and everything.  Sorry about the toilet paper.  It's in the big smelly garbage can.  Maybe you can get it out sometime."
    I turned the paper over and saw where The Hippie had written.  "I love you, Mom," it read.  "Plus, who made God?"
    I laughed until I cried.  I hugged them both so hard.  They're sweet, and I've never been that happy to be out of bathroom supplies.
    "I love you two," I said.
    "But you didn't answer my question," The Hippie said.  "Who did make God?"

    So, do you think The Scribe was just trying to get out of trouble?  Even if that was the case, she sure did a good job!


  1. Your kids are giving you a run for your money in the witty department! Who made God... lol! Love it!

  2. I am glad that my kids have yet to discover the many uses of toilet paper rolls as structural devices.

  3. Seriously LOL! They are such goofballs, and apparently toilet paper rolls are better than linkin' logs :0)

  4. LOL :D it's so funny and sweet :) and btw, I've always been thinking about that last question... :D
    your kids are so amazing :) and so are you ;)

  5. awww...that's incredibly cute! I love stories about your kids...They're quite the characters. :)

  6. The ingeniousness of your children never cease to amaze me!

  7. *LOL* This is great! I have got to remember to read you every day!

  8. I loved the post & the card--with the question at the end! Your kids' brains are like the Energizer bunny--they keep going & going & going. I've often thought about putting a "Do not ever use this again" sign up after I've cleaned something but the Scribe is the only one I know that's actually done it. The only "signs" I've used were to put an "X" on a leftover container which meant "Do not eat this". They ate it, anyway, just as they did when I wrote "Caution-radioactive" or "Danger-live snakes". When my middle child was in elementary school he would come home with a notice of some kind pinned to his shirt so often that I sent him to school one day with a note (also pinned to his shirt) that said "Post no bills". That didn't work, either.

  9. SHe's definitely out of trouble, even if she was in trouble to begin with. To put that much effort and thought to make a show for you....I'd say they're both out of trouble and may have earned some extra credit.

  10. My have far too much fun at your house!

  11. You are all so nice. Those kids crack me up.

    You had me laughing so hard ;)

  12. It is great that they don't need all the toys in the world to keep them busy. They have great imaginations. I remember when I was little. I tried to make a umbrella out of a tumble weed and a old shirt. No matter how I tried the shirt would crush the tumble weed. I must have tried a dozen tumble weeds. The toilet paper story is a great memory that they will always have. It's great that they have toilet paper, we only had the Sears and Roebuck catalog.

  13. Gertie-
    You're back! :0) Yahoo. I was so excited to see your name here.
    I only got the Sears catalog once when I was little. My mom asked me to circle what I wanted for Christmas and I think I circled every item, and then oogled over them for the whole year.
    I would have been so sad if people started using those precious pages to go potty LOL!

  14. Lol this is so stinking funny! I can totally see them doing that. Wait till I tell you what happened last night. No I think I'm going to write about it Monday. You will crack up!
    You tots remind me of the preachers kids in the Anne of Green Gables series. Never meaning to get in trouble. It just kinda happens. lol