Friday, July 29, 2011

Guy's Secrets--Revealed!

    I turned to The Zombie Elf.  That three-year-old is such a ham.  But he's gotten to this phase where he loves peeing in the potty.  He shows off and tells me how awesome he is.
    "I have a pee gun.  Vroom . . . Vroom," he said.  "Do you pee standing?"
    "No.  Girls sit."
    "Oh," he said.  "Poor, Mama."  He wore a sad look, as if realizing I had no arms.  "You can't pee standing?"
    "I can, but I choose to sit!"
    Why do guys think we're jealous that they can pee standing?  It's an epidemic!  Even little boys think we're jealous.


    Later that morning, right before Cade ate breakfast, I looked over just as The Zombie Elf itched himself.          
    "I hope he won't do that when he's older," I said to Cade.
    "All guys do." 
    "But hopefully not in public," I told Cade.  "I went to school with a guy who itched all the time.  The kids ended up calling him 'Cherry Picker.'  No one wanted to date that kid.  If The Zombie Elf keeps this up . . ."
    "Well," Cade said, "all guys do that in public, but there are ways to go about it.  Ways to be discrete."
    "Are we really having this conversation?  So, every guy on Earth just sneaks around, itching?"
   "It's not called itching.  It's called readjusting.  A guy who itches is an idiot . . . a guy who readjusted, well, that's different." 
    Cade's comment cracked the hell out of me!  "So, itching is bad, readjusting is all right.  But every guy readjusts?" I asked.
    He nodded.  "Any real man does.  Like the guys who need to . . . get their cell phone.  Or grab their keys."
    My face paled.  I've met guys who like grabbing their phones and keys, right before shaking my hand!  I gasped.  "They're Cherry Pickers . . . Aren't they?"
    "Yep, but the good ones are so sly, you never even know when it happened."
    "Oh, my gosh!"  I looked from Cade to The Zombie Elf.  I felt surrounded.  My bubble, my dreams of a picker-free world had burst.
    I went to the store later that day and you know what . . . there were a lot of guys grabbing their CELL PHONES!  I nearly screamed.  It's like they wanted to suffocate me with their sneaking-ineptitude.  They thought they were suave pickers, but no, Cade had stolen my innocence!  I spotted each one of those fiends.  I knew their dirty secrets.  Sure they had the other women in the store fooled--not me though.  
    I knew they were more obvious than they hoped.  
    I knew they'd never land a job with the CIA for being debonair!
    One guy grabbed his "money" for a moment, before handing his payment to the cashier.  
    She smiled, that naive schmuck--ACTUALLY SMILED!
    So, when I got home at night, I had a long talk with Cade.  "You stole my innocence.  Everywhere I went, I saw Pickers!"
    He nearly spit out his coke, he laughed so hard.  "You should thank me.  I shared a big guy secret with you."
    "Fantastic . . . just phenomenal.  Now I'm scarred for life."
    Just then The Zombie Elf walked up to us and grabbed . . . his keys.
    "Ahhh," I screamed.  "Don't touch yourself.  The world is filled with guys who do that.  It's yucky, K?"

    "That not yucky," The Zombie Elf puffed with pride and pointed to his pee pee.  "That not yucky, Mama.  That's mine!"
    I tried saving the world from one more Picker, but I'd done a poor job.  Cade laughed, doubling in amusement again.  "You always wanted a boy," he said.  "Now you have one."   


  1. lol! love this one. now you're in the know. thanks for sharing! c",)

  2. The Peanut is a nose public! There...I admitted it.

  3. Aobibliophile,
    I do feel very knowledgeable now LOL!

    Oh my gosh; you made me laugh soooo hard! I needed that. In fact, I'm still giggling! ;)

  4. This is hilarious. I've had a similar conversation with my husband, especially since we started potty training our little guy. I'm amazed that boys are still capable of grossing me out, but.... :)

  5. I was laughing so hard from reading this that my husband had me read it to him. We both thought it was hilarious since he's already given me 'this talk'. Although, I am now wiping tears from my laughing face as he also dropped the bombshell, "Or we do it by rubbing it against countertops!" I am still in shock and think that I may need to start bleaching the countertops (and chairs since he gave me a live demo that about made me pee my pants in laughter). My world just got a little bit grosser!

  6. Kathy,
    Potty training brings everything into a new light--I swear LOL!

    Padded Cell Princess,
    The live demo! Sooo flippin' hysterical! I think I'll go buy some bleach for my own countertops today ;)


  7. Did you know you can watch "cherry picking" on TV? It's called "baseball"! They also spit a lot--not sure which is grosser.

  8. Okay...I am yet to experience all this..but it was still LOL funny! Gr8 post!:)

  9. OK so there's "readjusting" but what do they call it when they sleep with their hands in there?! Obviously there's no readjusting going on!

  10. LOL :D:D Now I think every time I go outside my house, all I will do - watch which guy grabs his "keys/money/anything in his pockets" :D

    there goes my innocence... ;DD

  11. To RACHEL JOY--When they sleep with their hands in there, I think it's a "this is mine & I'm gonna protect it" thing. They sleep on the couch with the remote in their hands the same way. When they go to bed, no remote, so...

  12. lol I'm glad Cade told you this and for once I'm not the one disillusioning you! I grew up with 2 brothers, three boy cousins and I can assure you Cade is 100 percent correct. As is fishducky. Seems like they always have to have um something in their hands. Remote, their um keys, or a beer. One of those differences. How funny would it be if all of us women started re adjusting our um phones or keys? I've only met one woman brave enough to tackle that task. Now I think I may join her. lol

  13. ROFLMAO!!!! (I only write that when it's really funny *giggles*)

    These comments are better than the original post :0)

  14. OH. Just wait until he gets older. They do all kinds of disgusting things.

    Boys. Are. So. Gross.

    But I couldn't live without them. :)

  15. Hilarious! Cade might have opened your eyes, but now you've opened my eyes and I'd much prefer they remained closed, that is so gross. And I'm afraid Julianna is right, wait until the zombie elf starts peeing with 'no hands', that's just a riot....

  16. No hands! It's official, I'm going to die LOL!

  17. Awh, Mannnnnnnnnnnnn, now I am going to be eying every man in view.
    What does you husband say about naming know (a suggestion for your blog).

    I had a discussion with my grandson about that. I was so astounded by what he told me that I decided that I must be getting REALLY OLD!

  18. This is hilarious, I love the conversation you had with Cade!