Sunday, February 20, 2011

Manly Man, Leg Crosser or Intellectual: Part I

In high school most of my close friends were guys.  Sometimes they forgot about me being a girl, and had crazy conversations right in front of me.  They talked about who they would date and how far they'd go.  They punched each other in places I don't want to talk about and made fools of themselves in ways they never would in front of other girls.  As I think about it, one of their conversations sticks out; it was how to separate a manly man from a leg crosser.

To give you a good picture, let me show you an example of a "very cool" manly man.  I think everyone would agree on this.  If you don't think James Dean is manly, your mama dropped you when you were a baby.  I'm sorry to ruin her cover, but it's time you should know . . . she most likely never told you about it.

Here's a picture of heartthrob James Dean.  This isn't my favorite picture because Natalie Wood is up in his grill.  In this picture she doesn't know a thing about personal space and James doesn't look like he wants her being that close--just staring at him.  It reminds me of those people who keep their eyes open when they make-out and that's just Silence of the Lambs scary!
Anyway here's the picture:
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And here's a better one.  Wasn't he a good looking guy!
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According to the main expert on this, (let's call him Charlie) manly men like James DO NOT cross their legs; if they have to, they cross their ankles.  As he said one day, "It's physically impossible for a true manly man to cross his legs. And if he does, by some miracle cross his legs, he definitely DOES NOT sit when he pees."

It reminded me of the princess and the pea.  I love fairy tales but this was real life--like a dream come true.  With the leg crossing thing you could watch anyone and know if they were manly or not!

The whole thing kinda stuck with me.  I'd ask Charlie about different people we knew.  I didn't mean to sound judgmental, but it was more interesting than cinnamon toast.  I love people watching anyway and the leg crossing thing made it fifty times more interesting.  You could watch someone's mannerisms and see into their leg-crossing soul.  The more I learned, the more I understood.  I swallowed his theory faster than that one about global warming.

So, Charlie said . . .

This was acceptable:
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This was not:
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This was acceptable:
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This was not:
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This was acceptable:
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This was not:
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Now as you look at these pictures, you've probably already realized there are some VERY COOL leg crossers.  I unfortunately didn't pick up on this as quickly as you did. 

Instead, I believed the lie.  My friend and I lounged around talking for hours.  He'd boast of some guy that probably sits when he pees because he crossed his legs like they'd been super glued together backwards.  It wasn't until one day while we visited Charlie's family, that his theory blew into pieces.

Charlie's brother, Nate--his ultimate hero--sat on the couch across from us.  We talked about chess and how Nate would be an engineer soon.  Charlie laughed hard, loving every minute he got with his brother, but that was when it happened.  I saw it in slow motion, as Nate squirmed, looking uncomfortable.  He moved slightly.  Itched his thigh, then his knee.  He grabbed his ankle and started lifting his leg slowly.

I wanted to scream, "No!  No!  You can't be a leg crosser.  I've watched too many good men fall . . .  Plus, you might hurt yourself!"

Before I could say a thing, his ankle rested atop his other knee.  I sighed.  He was safe for a moment, just as long as he didn't seal the deal and cross his legs completely.  I felt relieved; if he was a manly man, that would be physically impossible anyway.  Why had I been so worried?

As I sat, breathing hope, that was when it happened.  Nate went for it, sending his leg down, down into a clenching crossed leg position.  I stared at him.  My jaw fell into my lap.  I'd never known he wasn't a manly man!  I swallowed as I gaped at him because he didn't seem hurt at all.  I expected him to gasp for air, like he'd just been hit in the groin with a hockey puck.  I pictured two water balloons about to burst!  But he didn't even wince!  He just sat there, laughing about engineering and chess.  It wasn't until I looked at my friend, that I almost spit out my drink.

Charlie's face withered to ashes.  He turned to me and shook his head.  "I never knew," he whispered.

"It's okay," I said, suddenly doubting the theory.  "Maybe there are exceptions."

"I don't think there are," Charlie said in a monotone.  We both eyed Nate who stared back curiously.

"You two okay?" Nate asked.

Then Charlie, being the brave manly man I knew, dove right into the fray.  "Nate.  Do you . . . sit when you pee?"

Nate laughed and sat straight.  "Why, yes.  Yes, I do."

I wanted to clap for him, tell him, "job well done," because what he'd just said took guts. I was proud of him for being himself and showing that the rest be damned!

Later, when Charlie took me home, he said he'd been wrong.  His theory had been flawed.

"How so?" I asked.

"It's because there are three types of men.  Any guy can be in one of three categories.  A man can be a manly man, a leg crosser," he paused, "or an intellectual."

That conversation makes me giggle because "Charlie" still believes his theory.  Even though I'm not a complete believer I think it's hilariously awesome.

With all that being said, what do you think of the theory?  Do you think it's ready to go to the "law" phase or still a work in progress?  What type of man did you marry or what type of man are you?  Do you cross your legs and sit when you pee?  Go ahead, this is the internet, feel free to let us know. 


35 comments:

  1. What a neat post!

    I just found your blog through one of the weekend blog hops! Have a great day.

    Amanda @ www.nutritionistreviews.com

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  2. I had to check out your blog after your generous post regarding your friend on Bloggy Moms. I'm so glad I stopped by! I love your writing.
    I'm your newest follower.
    Take care!

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  3. I once saw George Clooney cross his legs. Maybe men who are ridiculously good looking are exempt from the rule?

    following back!

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  4. That made me laugh out loud ;) Yes, I think even "Charlie" would agree that George Clooney is exempt.

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  5. What a great concept for a blog-so funny!
    Following you back now ;0)

    http://livinglifephotographically.blogspot.com/

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  6. Hello! I'm your newest follower.. you are VERY funny. Thanks for the giggle.
    Malia

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  7. Following from Book Blogs Ning! Nice to meet you!

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  8. This is freaking hilarious. I have to be blunt and say that the theory is bogus (sorry), but it was so funny to read. I cross my legs (as does my partner), but neither of us sit down to urinate. lol

    I think I might fall in the Mark Twain category on this one, though. I'm definitely a "manly man" but most would probably see me as an intellectual - though, comparing myself to Mark Twain is absolutely ridiculous in any way, except to say that we both love to poke fun at the establishment. :)

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  9. LOL Great blog! For the record I do not cross my legs and when number two calls to me I do pee while sitting. Does that make for a fourth category?...hmmm

    Blessings,
    Daniel L Carter
    Author of The Unwanted Trilogy

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  10. This is sooo awesome!!! Thanks for your feedback. I LOVE it ;)

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  11. Hilarious! Loved reading your post! :)

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  12. I am returning the follow. Thanks for stopping by my blog. The seat savers work really well. They will definetly save your moms seats. Thanks!
    http://thecryptocapersseries.blogspot.com
    www.reneeahand.com
    Renee

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  13. cool post - what a hilarious and witty blog! ;)

    caroline from http://turknoy.blogspot.com

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  14. Visiting to return the follow and ... this post is so funny. Really, but I have to tell you the theorie is absolutly wrong. I have met the greatest 'man' men and they sit and do cross their legs. You know, in my home country we girls are taught by our mothers to teach our guys to sit down and the guys have to follow this order otherwise they get to clean the toilets for the rest of their lifes. Works pretty much always.

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  15. I'm married to an intellectual, and I PROMISE, he doesn't sit when he pees! :) Cute post and kudos to you for writing every single day! What a commitment!

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  16. Fascinating theory - except for one central flaw in your analysis. There's nothing more interesting than cinnamon toast!

    What a fun blog! So glad to find it - and follow you back. Thanks so much for following On Beyond Words & Pictures.

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  17. What fun, quirky writing, I love it! Thanks for stopping by my blog earlier, great to meet you, now following :)
    ~M

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  18. LOL, a fun post and of course all done in the best possible taste (Kenny Everett (a UK Comic) had a character called Cupid Stunt who used that as "her" catchphrase with all that leg crossing palava. LOL)

    Found this over at book blog.

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  19. Since you are one of my followers on High Heels and Hot Flashes I thought I'd tag you in this writing meme/blog award called "7 Facts." If you choose to partake, go to http://highheelshotflashes.blogspot.com/2011/02/seven-facts-award.html to see the rules and copy the picture for your blog. Congratulations!

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  20. This is pretty hilarious! To be a teenage boy...

    Visiting from TRDC :)

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  21. What I want to know is if anyone crosses their legs while peeing--standing or sitting?

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  22. I once saw a yellow waterfall painted by I. P. Standing

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  23. this certainly caused a lot of comment:) I have to disagree, my husband crosses his legs for the same reason I do because its more comfortable, he is definitley a manly Aussie man.
    Pssst between you and me though it drives me up the wall(one of the his very few things that does)

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  24. Hilarious! I've never heard the description "leg-crossers" but I'm definitely going to use it now!

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  25. Too funny! I can just hear a bunch of guys sitting around talking about this.

    Found you on Bloggy Moms!

    http://ahootiehoot.blogspot.com

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  26. My 6' tall, wood chopping, hunting, fishing, sports-playing, fix-anything father often crossed his long legs - which made a perfect perch for his daughters and later, his grandchildren. My father passed away many years ago, but to this day whenever I see a man with a child sitting on his crossed legs, I think it is the ultimate in manlyness.

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  27. Returning the follow. I enjoyed your post.

    thanks again for following.

    Samantha
    www.aspoonfulosugr.blogspot.com

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  28. This story sounds vaguely familiar... Perhaps it is because I’m the author’s brother, or that I’m an engineer. Or, maybe, it’s because we had this exact conversation! And yes, her now-spouse asked me if I pee sitting. And, yes, I do on occasion. Why? I don’t know. And, no, I don’t care who knows. I would have you know I just called she-who-shall-not-be-named and asked her who this post was about, and she had the shear gall to lie! She lied to the older brother who read to her for hours on end; the older brother who pushed her for miles around the house on her tricycle. For shame. For shame. To amend the record, I would say there is a correct and an incorrect way to go into a full crossing of the legs. Of the utmost importance is to ensure the tender bits are out of the way first. Otherwise, said legs become the jaws of a nut cracker. Second, do not play with the legs, bobbing the ankle up and down or swinging the distal end about. This may indeed threaten a male’s manliness. Finally, limit the time spent in such a position. For while comfortable in the short term, it can cause a lack of circulation in certain critical areas. It brings to mind the words blue and ball , and no one wants to see that. Shame on you EC Writes for misleading the public. Shame on you.

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  29. To my awesome AWESOME brother! You had me laughing so hard I almost peed my pants. I love you and your wit so much. ;)

    Sincerely,
    She-who-shall-not-be-named

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  30. What a great post......Quite, quite funny! Thanks for the follow...glad you found me on Networked Blogs.....I am now your newest follower.. Looking forward to more of your unique humor.
    Laurie
    http://lauriethoughts-reviews.blogspot.com

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  31. lol So you went for it! I think manly men can cross their legs but as your brother pointed out there are rules. I have to say of all your post I laughed the hardest at this one. I think "Charlie" is a manly man that we should photo shop a pic of him crossing his legs. I would die laughing! rflma.. I'm laughing right now as a matter of fact...

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  32. This was absolutely funny. My hubby is NOT a leg crosser. I will keep reading. I might let you in on a few of my own not so great or funny moments.

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  33. I don't cross my legs, unless it is ankle to knee and the only time I pee siting down is when I am already sitting there to go number 2. Real, manly men get up every morning go to work, solve their problems and live life to the fullest.

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