Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Controversy in the Clans and My Son Who Died From Birth Defects

I got an award!!! I'm so thrilled because this picture is GORGEOUS like that necklace Miss Lohan stole. I still can't get over that madness. Have you heard anything about it? She said she was too busy to return it--that's some serious chaos!  You'd think she has as many kids as I do. 
Here's some info if you're interested:
Click Here to read Lindsay's Story


So, anyway I got an award and it couldn't have arrived at a better time.  I got a call yesterday and apparently my blog is still very controversial. It's getting mixed reviews from my extremely religious family.

If you're going to understand this, you need some background. I'm a religious mutt.  My dad was raised very Mormon--his family wears the white underclothes and everything--and my mom used to listen to a priest. I in turn grew up pentecostal.  My husband's beliefs are metaphysically based and most of his family is Mormon or New Age.  

Here's the problem: One of my great aunts (once removed) saw the picture of me on the toilet and said, "That's suggestive. It's very risque.  You should take down that embarrassing toilet picture right this minute!"  Now, she's not the first family member to say this.  Someone on my husband's side already shares her views.

"How's it risque?" I asked, stumped.

"Because it looks like you're actually going!" 

I LOVE my family and respect their opinions, but it's crazy how I feel like I can never do anything right--until now!  Thank you Angela Scott of (one of my FAVORITE blogs ever by the way) for believing in me and backing my crazy idea of a blog. 

So I told my great aunt (once removed), "If you think it's risque, then it's a good thing you're not the one in the picture." And I know this is horrible, but I almost wish she was in that picture because it would make me giggle and do a happy dance.  I could sing a song, and look at the picture all day because it would be golden.

So, I feel bad if my blog is embarrassing people, but if so, they don't need to read it.  I started this in an effort to bring joy.  I want to help people laugh, especially those who have had children with birth defects.  I miss my son every day and if I'm ever going to publish my journal about his life, I need a blog and people willing to support me.

With that being said, I have a message for everyone who has been "embarrassed" by me and this blog.  Things could be worse!
#1 I am not a stripper, I never have been and never will be. 
#2 I am not on drugs. 
#3 I've never gone to jail, although I've heard the food there is exceptional and even better than food at the hospital cafeteria. 
#4 I do not go to the bathroom outside on a toilet UNLESS it's plumbed. 
#5 I really did change tires and oil for big rigs while working at the truck shop AND I'm proud of it! 
#6 My potato launcher is awesome and I will be safely testing it today.  (No, the kids will not be near it and yes, I won't follow too close or speed on the way to the testing ground.)
#7 I love you all so much, but feel like I'm never good enough.  It's horrible always being told what I can do better and how it's not right the first time.  Sometimes a simple, "That's incredibly awesome," would suffice.
#8 I hope you can love me for me and accept that writing a public blog isn't the worst thing since Uncle Ronnie injured himself with that nose hair remover.

This really is something I need to do.  I'm not trying to be disrespectful and I'm sorry if it comes off that way.  I know Zeke's memory needs to live on.  If he'd survived, he'd want his story out there.  And by golly, even if I lose an eye in the process, have to learn braille and everyone hates me, I'm going to do my best because his story is strong and unmarred by time.  It's something people need to read so they can realize how lucky they are.

If your children are healthy--you're lucky.  If you're alive--you're lucky.  It's amazing God gave us life in the first place.  We all need to be a little more appreciative and smile because each day and each breath is a blessing.  Trust me, I know. I lost my son.  He's never coming back, and there's nothing I can do about it.  No amount of time or energy will bring him from the grave.  None of my prayers convinced God to heal him.  Nothing!  What I do have is my journal filled with the memories of his precious life: when I held him in my arms; when he looked at me with so much love it carried me through the disaster of his death.  I've seen terribly hard things, but choose to focus on the bright side.  Because after Zeke died I realized I had a husband who loves me, a family whose quirkiness makes me smile and a God who never left me!   There's so much to be happy about.  I want to focus on those positive things, not how much my blogging or toilet picture sucks.

Closing note to family:
Maybe I'm not the greatest boon our family's seen, but I'm not in the slammer.  So with that being said, thanks for taking the time to read this and please know how much I love you, silly moments, boots, potato launchers and cafeteria food.

A Crazy (Award Winning) Mom