Saturday, February 9, 2013

When I was an Idiot (Part 1)

    As a kid, I was a goofball--so much has changed.  Maybe I was the backward cousin no one wants to claim.  Maybe everyone loved me.  Who knows . . . what's obvious is that I wasn't normal.    
    When I was a kid, I thought messed up eyebrows were the ultimate "no no." With messy eyebrows I'd look terrible and boys would leave me alone.  I could live a life of celibacy, become a nun, be happy reading books to homeless children and dogs.
    I didn't like regular TV.  And even though I was born in the 80's, I INSISTED on watching Doris Day, Ginger Rogers, Katherine Hepburn, and The Inn of the Sixth Happiness.
    I had a fuzzy blanket.  One side was gorgeous, but the other side remained hideous with frays and fuzz balls.  If I wanted to be an ugly sweetheart the next day, I'd sleep with the beautiful side of the blanket toward me.  If I wanted to be a mean beauty queen, I'd sleep with the gorgeous side up.  I'm embarrassed to say that the nice side stayed up more than it should have.
    When I got into fourth grade, I shunned all my toys for a dolly.

    Not this kind of dolly:
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    This kind:
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    I'd push my best friend everywhere in that thing.  Who needs a car, when you have a dolly?  We put a lawn chair cushion in it.  One time we even tied each other to the thing and went down a huge dirt hill.  She cut her finger really bad--didn't even cry--and we had the best time ever, laughing in the dirt.
     When I was in sixth grade, I decided I was getting ugly.  That's when I knew, ugly kids turn into beautiful adults, but gorgeous kids (like I thought I was) turn into the homeliest adults known to man.
    I remember staring in my mirror, waving my beauty "goodbye."  I even fixed my messed up eyebrows one last time.  
    That night, I slept with my blanket pretty side down--there was no point in longing for beauty when even my blanket couldn't save me!  I nearly had a funeral for my beauty then.  I was bound to grow ugly.  It was a fact.  After all, I thought I'd been an adorable kid, that meant I'd be worse than this dude when I grew up!
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    So, I woke up the next day.  The blanket had worked.  I seemed sweeter and uglier than ever.  My mom pulled me aside.  "Are you okay?" she asked.
    "Yes," I nodded, reconciling that there are much worse things than ugliness.  After all I could have died, been blind or crippled like the ladies in "An Affair to Remember" and "Magnificent Obsession."
    So with my pubescent face, I gazed up at my mother, hoping she'd see the sweet spirit that rested beyond my ugliness.
    "Today's a big day," she said.
    "Why?"  I couldn't understand it.  I'd just planned on taking The Dolly for a spin with my friend.
    "Today is special because me and your sister are taking you bra shopping.  It's time to get your first bra!"
    I crumpled.  I didn't want a bra.  Wasn't it enough that God had turned me ugly.  "Really?" I asked sweetly, remembering kindness was all I had.
    "Yes."  She squeezed my hands and giggled.  "Let's go right now.  We'll get you a few nice ones and you can wear them to church tomorrow."
    I trudged out the door.  I didn't mess up my eyebrows because it was unnecessary.  
    I vowed then, I'd never wear a bra.  Nuns don't wear bras!  Cool people in the old movies DIDN'T WEAR BRAS!  (At least Rock Hudson didn't!)  
    And if my mom tied me down and MADE me wear a lacy boob catcher
. . . I'd never--ever--shave my legs!  I'd never be nice again.  I'd be homely AND bitter, the worst combination around!

      I think all of that is why church the next day became such a horrid thing.  I'll tell you about that tomorrow.

25 comments:

  1. This blog makes me know--for sure--that you were as delightful when you were a child as you are now! I love your blog. It makes me laugh sometimes; cry other times; and sometimes, as in yesterday's on Zombie Elf, it makes me do both at the same time. Thank you for beginning my day with laughter.

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  2. Ha-ha oooh Elisa I see so much of myself in that 80's child in you. I was always left of the middle, an old soul. I too watched the Inn of the Sixth Happiness. I crushed on Tyrone Power, listened to Frank Sinatra.

    I would race home from Primary School and beg my mum to put on my FAVOURITE movie, mum was like "Seriously? Again?" I couldn't wait I would settle on the coach while mum 'rewinded' the VHS of 'The Great Escape' just so I could watch and hope Steve MaQueen made it this time! Like all other 10year olds right?

    My girlfriends who had Leo Di Caprio and Scott Wolf posters on their walls I had Cary Grant and James Dean, for the record they were the weird ones! They didn't even know who they were...Pffft freaks!

    And don't get me started on the ugly duckling years. It had all started so promising, cute as a button! and then BAM! *Sigh* if you can survive being a teenager you can survive anything.

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  3. Dear God we were the same child! I watched the old movies too. They were my favorite! As for the bra thing my mom bought me some and I stuffed them in a drawer. I hated those things. The dolly? Really my brothers and I did that all the time until we pushed Shannon down the stairs on it and he cracked his head open. haha You were never an ugly child and you have grown into a beautiful adult. just so you know though Rock Hudson probably did wear a bra at some point. He got a little weird as he aged..

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  4. I had the pleasure of being a young teen in the early 80's...when Farrah Fawcett's flippy hair (wings) were popular...I had very curly hair...so my wings would end up in a tight roll around the front of my head...I.WAS.HIDEOUS - took ugly duckling to a whole new level.
    Your stories just make me giggle...you are a treasure!

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  5. Ok, the blanket thing is way too funny. I used to hate wearing two piece bathing suits, because both my brother and cousin didn't (obviously...). I must admit, the dolly is a little strange, but that's why you're so funny now...

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  6. I hated wearing bras back then. They were so itchy and uncomfortable. But after breastfeeding and motherhood I realized those snazzy boob catchers would be my best friend...without them I'd literally have to pick my boobs off the floor. Oh the shame.

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  7. . . . and thank you, Elisa, for commenting on my blog posting today. Your comments always make me stop and think. Peace

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  8. My husband and I are cracking up over your dolly! I had a big plastic tube that all of us kids in the neighborhood rode down every hill we could find in. My grandma took me to K-Mart for my first bra...I've blocked any other details..

    Can't wait to see what happens in your post tomorrow!

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  9. Hey, BEAUTIFUL LADY--Inner beauty is fine but you need outer beauty, too! Fortunately, it's available in any cosmetics store--& also online. Those products, of course, are only necessary for people who aren't naturally gorgeous, like you & me.

    I'm pissed--Melynda used my thought about Rock Hudson & bras.

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  10. LOL. it's funny what kinda thoughts comes into kids heads ;D but you grew up very beautiful though :)

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  11. You're all so awesome and hilarious.

    I'm supposed to watch Pillow Talk with my girls tonight. I'll be giggling the whole time now. I've never pictured Rock Hudson wearing a bra--not until today LOL!

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  12. LOL another lost soul :) Please don't tell me your mom listened to all those old Doris Day records too...I still have some of those songs stuck in my noodle.

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  13. WAS an idiot? You're still an idiot! Ha ha, that was way too easy to pass up.

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  14. Gotta love a girl who dances to her own music.

    Rock on my friend. Rock on. :)

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  15. I'm dying over here. I can't wait to put up tomorrow's post. Then I'll really sound like an idiot. It's the most embarrassing thing ever!

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  16. I always wanted to wear a bra, especially when I saw our neighbor Beetle Bomb let her floppies hang down. My sister and I dared her to tightened her belt over the top of them, and she did. Ouch! I still have nightmares that My floppies will hang down to the ground someday and I won't be able to get up. That will be the day that I will need a dolly of my own.

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  17. I still remember when I got my first Bra. I was about 13 years old and my brother gave me a really hard time about it and would come up and flick me in the back with it. Glad to come by and finally say hello. Sarah (VB) www.acceptingandembracingautism.com

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  18. I LOVED DORIS DAY! and "An Affair to Remember" and "Magnificent Obsession." were two of my favorite movies. However, I spewed the juice i was drinking when I got to the Rock Hudson crack! That was a stroke of genius! Gotta go, Need to clean my computer and keyboard.........kt

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  19. I don't know how you looked on the outside but you sure are beautiful on the inside now. I stopped wearing a bra a long time ago but had to by one for after I had a lumpectomy as the doctor required it. I hate the way they design them now.

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  20. lol love the dolly! I actually still was playing with real dollys in 4th grade -- I even have a pic of me in 5th grade I think, still pushing around a baby carriage! Of course, girls now outgrow even Barbies by kindergarten so I'm real old school when it comes to dolls. Fun post. From one crazy writing mom to another.

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  21. Interesting post though it does beg the question what is normal?

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  22. Dear Elisa, I see that a left a comment back in August 2011, but I don't remember doing so. That's why I'm saying now---you must be one of the most creative people I know. You remind me of one of my favorite characters in a novel--Flavia de Luce. She's the twelve-year-old who is the detective in the five novels by Alan Bradley. She's an absolute delight. as are you. Peace.

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  23. I begged for a bra, and you got to go shopping for one?? How lucky you were!

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  24. Lacy boob catcher??? LOL!!!! You were probably the most fun kid in the neighborhood.

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