Like right before we found out Zeke had problems and would probably die, Cade and I laughed on the phone. "We're having a boy!" I said. "I've never been happier."
"I agree," Cade said. "We'll have a girl and a boy. I don't think I've ever been this happy either."
The next day, the doctor told me Zeke would probably die in the womb or shortly after birth. I rested on the floor in his baby room. I hugged some damn blanket I thought he'd love and I cried myself to sleep.
I know it's silly, but I'll never say that phrase again. Uttering, "I've never been happier," is like asking nature to strike you with lightning. It's just something you shouldn't do unless you like extensive heat.
Word of the wise, even if you've never been happier, don't say it aloud--don't jinx it!
The rest of my kids are still with me because what I say now is, "Wow, life is good, but it's not lightning worthy." And that's kept me trauma free!
You might think I'm nuts. Hell, other posts might have made you think that before.
Like when I posed on a toilet . . .
Went Sky Diving . . .
Filled an invisible car with gas
The point is that even though I don't say it aloud, I guess writing it might be okay. Life is pretty damn good. I'm not saying it's perfect, but it's how you see it. I know today isn't a special day as far as Zeke goes, but I've been thinking about him. When you lose a child, sometimes memories of them just hit. You might be healed of certain things, but you still miss your baby.
I keep thinking of this excerpt from my journal, "The Golden Sky."
Jane (Zeke's nurse) took care of him when I got there. She's almost always there. I joked around, and said, “Woman! How in the hell are you, you good looking thing?”
She gave me “the eye” then. Maybe she's been taking lessons from Cade. I think she suppressed a smile, but after a moment her serious demeanor conquered her resolve.
“Elisa,” she said, “you need to wake up and realize what's going on around you.” She cleared her throat. “Your son is very sick, and you don't seem to be accepting reality.” Her eyes caught mine, and she peered at me steadily. “Why are you so happy all the time?”
“I'm just happy he's still here,” I whispered. “As long as he's still alive,” I paused, suddenly sad in the moment, “there's hope.”
She looked at me differently then, and sighed as if she was sorry for making me sad. “You're one of the strongest people I've ever met,” she said, and then filled the syringe she held in her hand, “and I've met a lot of people in here.”
She gave me “the eye” then. Maybe she's been taking lessons from Cade. I think she suppressed a smile, but after a moment her serious demeanor conquered her resolve.
“Elisa,” she said, “you need to wake up and realize what's going on around you.” She cleared her throat. “Your son is very sick, and you don't seem to be accepting reality.” Her eyes caught mine, and she peered at me steadily. “Why are you so happy all the time?”
“I'm just happy he's still here,” I whispered. “As long as he's still alive,” I paused, suddenly sad in the moment, “there's hope.”
She looked at me differently then, and sighed as if she was sorry for making me sad. “You're one of the strongest people I've ever met,” she said, and then filled the syringe she held in her hand, “and I've met a lot of people in here.”
Maybe that nurse thought I was strong, but I was just trying to be tough for my baby. As long as I smiled and gave him all the love I could, I felt like his life wouldn't be quite so bad.
Something triggered all these memories. It might sound like a silly trigger, but it happened none-the-less. You see, I have weird things happen to me. Zeke was born on the same day Cade and I got married up in the mountains by that online minister.
Here's that link:Rock Canyon (Entry 20)
My uncle died in August. My grandma died in August. I found out my dad had colon cancer . . . in August. That my son would die . . . in August. August, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Zeke died, then we had a rainbow baby boy (The Zombie Elf) on Cade's birthday. We had a rainbow baby girl (Doctor Jones) thirty minutes before my birthday.
Anyway, there are some crazy things that have happened. Those are only a few.
So, the day before my grandpa fell off a roof, his cell dialed my mom at 10pm. He'd just butt dialed her. And we both thought it was strange until the next day when he fell off a roof.
The reason I'm so freaked out today is because my grandpa butt dialed my mom on July 26th. He fell from the roof July 27th and died on July 30th. Well . . . guess who butt dialed me at 9:30 last night! MY DAD! Yesterday was July 27th (the day my grandpa fell from the roof). I know you're telling me to calm down, but I'm freaked out. I stayed up praying last night. I called my dad today and told him to be safe!
I know you probably think it's just crazy odds, or maybe it was a reminder of my grandpa's amazing life . . .
Anyway, freaky.
Do you have this kind of thing happen to you?
My Grandma Ann passed away 11 years ago this month. A few days before she died I woke out of a dream hearing a man's voice saying "she has four days left". I called my dad in a panic that morning only to find that she had taken a turn for the worse (she was in the hospital. I had just seen her a couple of weeks prior because we knew the end was close). My Grandma Ann passed away 4 days later...just like my dream.
ReplyDeleteSo I totally get what you're saying...but can't imagine the pain you must feel over losing a baby.
Maybe this will cheer you up because good things do happen in August...I promise. My Grandma Ann and Papa Sam were just shy of their 59th wedding anniversary when she passed away. The anniversary date was August, 10th. I always thought I'd get married on that day too. When I found out I was pregnant in 2003, I was only two weeks pregnant so it was easy to count back...the conception date you ask?
August 10th.
Hugs to you, and thanks for sending good thoughts my way on my last post.
Stephanie
I'm gonna tell you to breath. Your dad is strong and fairly young still. I understand why you are freaked out. Especially with all the weird things that have happened to you but maybe it was just a way for God to let you know your dad needs prayer right now because of something he is going through. I have that happen often as we have discussed. Don't put to much stock in superstition just live. que cera cera or however it's spellllededed. hugs friend!
ReplyDeleteWow, I would probably be superstitious too but rest and trust in the Lord.
ReplyDeleteHow can I write a funny comment when you make me cry?
ReplyDeleteI'm not much of a believer to that kind of stuff, but I'm sending all my positive thoughts to you :)
ReplyDeleteSo, I visited my dad today. He is hilarious and fun. Can you believe the guy seemed happy he accidentally called and freaked me out! He said it was fun seeing me LOL! What a ham. I think this just goes to show that I need to spend more time with my loved ones ;)
ReplyDeletenice pics
ReplyDeletesorry to know about loss
I guess we could all find things like that if we looked for them. We make our own luck and more often than not our own misfortunes as well. That's what I believe anyways. Stop looking for the bad girl and appreciate the good!
ReplyDeleteOkay, maybe I am adding to your superstition, but my sister, "Lisa" died in August as well, and she was born on my mother's birthday. Rebekah was born two weeks before her Great Grandfather passed away, and we were able to bring her home the very day of his funeral. She rested in her Great Grandmother's arms as people viewed him in the casket. The day that we finalized her adoption (six months later) was the day of her Greatgrandmother's funeral. We went to court that morning, and I flew out from Orlando with her in my arms to Utah to say my Goodbyes. Every year for Christmas, I remember my litter brother that died. He was left in the hospital on that day, when my mother came home. It was just in time for Christmas morning. He was born two days after my father's birthday on the 21st of December. So, I am thinking that maybe you aren't crazy. I too get superstitious. I can completely understand how customs and rituals occur from things that seem too much like a coinsidence. :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your great advice ;)
ReplyDeleteSiv,
You're right. It's always better to focus on the good :) That's why I plan on asking my dad out for coffee next week.
Mikal,
What are the odds. That's amazing!
-E