Friday, July 15, 2011

The Birds

    In my defense, we were bored.  Cade had gone out of town and the kids and I felt REALLY lonely.  So, with nothing else to do, we drove to the bread store, got some discount items and started driving home.  That's when I saw a flock of seagulls mauling a local Burger King.  I decided the time had come to pull out the big guns.  
    I could make those gulls suffer and still show my kids the time of their lives!

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    Now, to explain this a bit more, we'd bought five loaves of bread.  We weren't serving the multitudes and we DID NOT need that much starch, so that's why we pulled over to Burger King's parking lot.  
    I had my three oldest kids cram into the passenger seat.  
    "What are we doing?" The Scribe and The Hippie both asked.  
    "We're feeding the gulls," I said, "redneck style.  Now, I know, you should never feed annoying birds, but today . . . today is a very special day.  I feel magic in the air."
    "But--"
    I put my finger to my lips and told them to hush.  I sprinkled a few bread crumbs around the van.  Then I slid an entire loaf of bread from its bag, and set it on my windshield.
    "Can you three be very quiet?"  I shut the van's door.  "If you can, then we'll get a car wash later."
    Their faces glowed with excitement.  "Seriously?" The Hippie asked, the same kid who prayed for it to rain just because she likes car-washes. 
    They nodded, their eyes wide.  "We'll be quiet," The Scribe whispered and The Zombie Elf clapped softly.
    I sang then, beckoning the birds closer.  "Hush, little babies.  Don't say a word.  Mama's gonna buy you a mocking bird.  Now if that mocking bird don't sing, Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring."
    I didn't get far when the first few seagulls landed on the ground by the van.  My kids ooohed and aaahed.  You would've thought I'd brought them to some exotic zoo.
    "Try to be quiet," I told them, and they stared in amazement.  "If that diamond ring turns brass, Mama's gonna buy you a lookin' glass."         
    Soon the gulls got brave and courageous.  They strutted closer to the van, tilting their heads and judging my character.  
    Animals have a strange sense about people.  They know when you have ill intent, every animal--except gulls.  They're so stupid; one of them actually landed on the windshield.  I studied its webbed foot through the glass.  The anatamony was quite amazing!      
    Anyway, the gull tore at the bread greedily, but there was so much, it couldn't eat fast enough and more gulls came.
    A whole congregation of them landed on the van.  We heard them walking on the roof.  Their wings beat against the windshield.
    "Mom, maybe we should leave.  This is freaky," The Hippie said, and I had to admit, it kind of was.
    "Mom!  We can't leave.  This is awesome!  Look how close we can see them."
    "You wanna see something extra funny?" I asked.  The Zombie Elf just stared ahead.  He didn't move, he was that into the moment.
    I put my hand on the windshield wiper.  "We're not gonna hurt them.  We're just gonna scare the crap out of those scavengers.  So, wait for it," I told my kids.  We watched a bird peck at another one's face because it wanted more bread.  Its eye looked at us TWO INCHES from the window!  I think that bird saw excitement on my face!
    "Just wait for it."
    My girls looked over.  "This is gonna be so sweet," The Scribe squealed.  
    "Wait--"  Then WHAM!  I turned the wipers on.  Those birds squawked and freaked out.  They stepped on each other in an effort to get into the air first, and within seconds, they flew off the van.
    We laughed and laughed.  It was THE MOST hilarious thing!  I almost wish we could do it again and video tape the whole thing.
    We did get a car wash afterward because those gulls had left some white packages on the van.
    The Scribe turned to me later.  "I hope I'll be like you when I grow up."
    I'd always wanted to hear those words, and all it had taken was a loaf of bread and an army of idiot gulls.  Pretty awesome if you ask me.
    Anyway, what fun things do you do with your kids?


For another great bird story, please visit Whiskey Girl.