Friday, January 6, 2012

What's That Smell--Seriously?!

    After something happened yesterday, I COULD NOT wait to write this story.  But before I do, I have some exciting news . . .

    Another review for "The Golden Sky" went up at:  

    Don't forget, today is January 6th (the Epiphany), the last day my eBook will be listed as 99 cents HERE on Smashwords.
     (For kindle it's 2.99 HERE on Amazon.
    Also, I wrote a guest post for my amazing friend, Melynda at:  

Crazy world

    Now, onto the post of the day.
    I woke up very early and wrote about clams yesterday--yuck.  After completely downing my coffee, I stood and walked right into someone!  
    I wanted to scream.  It was super early, dark and cold.  The only person who likes the morning as much as I do is the Scribe.  But this wasn't the Scribe; this person had long curly hair and a lasting peace when she talked.  I knew after a moment, it was the Hippie--my night owl.

    I love that girl.  If you can picture Mother Teresa as a kid, she'd be like the Hippie.  She's sweet and kind. She's a lot like Dee (from coming home to myself) because she's so completely good.  The Hippie doesn't rig traps or tell scary stories like the Scribe does.  No, the Hippie always wants to be sweet and kind.  That's why what happened next surprised me so much.
    We were alone in the kitchen.  I flipped on the light, and as I did so, an awful smell overtook me.
    "Hippie," I said, "Did you just . . . fart?"  (I know it's terrible, I said the "F" word around baby Teresa, but it had to be done.)
    "No."  She shook her head, sniffing.  "I'm embarrassed you'd even ask me that."
    Now, the great thing about a fart and TWO PEOPLE is that you always know who did it.  The power of deduction can be such an amazing thing.  
    "Hippie.  We're alone.  I certainly did not fart. So, that means YOU did."  I wanted to cackle, laugh into the foul air because I felt like Sherlock Holmes!
    "No, I didn't.  I wouldn't.  If I need to . . . do that . . . I go into the bathroom and shut the door."
    I sniffed again, and it shocked me how a gallon of coffee couldn't wake me up quite like the smell of sulfur in the morning. 
    "Maybe something went bad in the fridge," she said and had me believing her SO MUCH, I opened the fridge and rummaged through.
    "Nothing in here," I said as the smell dissipated.  I made her some hot cocoa after that, then while we sat talking, the smell came back like an evil boomerang!
    "Hippie . . . I won't tolerate lying.  Did. You. Fart?"
    "I hate that word," she said.  "It sounds so terrible."
    "Sometimes people have to use terrible words, for terrible smells.  Now, answer the question.  Did you almost kill me with that smell?"
    "I didn't.  I think you're the one!"
    "The great thing about farting," I said.  "Is that you know when you're guilty."
    "So, maybe we're smelling your feet."
    I just looked at her.  
    "The other great thing about it."  She paused.  "Is that you can't smell your own.  THAT'S how I know you're guilty. I can definitely smell this one.  So . . . IT'S YOURS, Mom."
    We were like two gunslingers, ready to fight to the death.
    "It wasn't me," my voice quivered with anger.
    "Oh.  Yes. IT.  WAS!  Don't lie, Mother.  That's being a bad example.  Mothers aren't supposed to fart AND lie!"
    "A bad example?  But it wasn't me.  I was a perfect example today."
    "Mom, something's been bothering me."  She looked up, staring right into my eyes.
    "Okay," I said, because something bothered me, too.
    "I just breathed something that died, then escaped from your butt," she said, suddenly looking so ill.
    "But that wasn't me," I said.
    "And it couldn't have been me because I can still smell it. Plus, I make pooders, not farts.  They're better 'cause I'm a kid AND I'm a girl."

    So, she still never confessed and now she freaks out when anyone makes . . . "a smell."  She'll cover her mouth and run into the nearest room.  You'd think it was poisonous gas--when probably it's just her own potent fumes!  I'm never making bean soup again.

    Have you ever experienced something like this?  Why is it that kids put us through these strange moments?

    Plus, maybe my kid was like Mother Teresa, but yesterday all of that changed.  After all, I don't think saints fart, not really.  


  1. What is SO funny about this is that my daughter can CLEAR a room, but is SO girly she will deny it till cows fly! LOL...I can't tell you how many times we have had almost the SAME talk in our house....

  2. Wow, I love her genius little minds and coming up with new logical reasons as to why it couldn't have been her! Ha!

    You don't happen to have an pet do you? We have a slightly similar experience, only to find out that the smell was our cat that just stank. And every time he walked past one of us, we wanted to fall over and die. haha.

    JadeLouise Designs

  3. LOL! Her logic is so good, I believed her for a minute and actually wondered if she believed herself. You know, the "She who smelt it, dealt it" menatlity.

  4. Priceless. I love the Hippie.

    I don't have children,but I do have two corgis. And one of them is a ninja farter. I mean it. She quietly walks over to you, sits beneath you, lets a silent one loose and has walked back to the other couch by the time the smell wafts up to you.
    She sits there corgi-laughing. Little minx!

  5. Your little one definitely is one smart cookie! Kids are great...hopefully I'll have a few of em one day :P

  6. LOL!!!! Of course Saints fart?!!? Was the dog in the room?? Blame the dog...

  7. Great interview!

    I've said it before & I'll say it again--I LOVE YOUR KIDS!! I wonder if saint's farts smell any different. Do you suppose there would be little haloes floating around in the air? Do you think if God farted there would be lightning?

  8. LOL yeah I'm surprised she didn't blame the dog too. Bah everyone does it and it's supposedly healthy to fart too, so there is no gas build up in there. So fart away.

  9. Peanut farts all the time. When they're silent farts I'd call her, "Tootie!" and she'd giggle. So one night she was sleeping in my bed and farted while she slept...still asleep she gets this giggle going and says, "Tootie"! She cracks me up that way.
    Bumper, our cat, has gas...AND you can hear him fart!

  10. I dunno. I still think whoever smelt it dealt it!

  11. Even pooders have a smell. Or as we call them at our house - poots.

  12. The Girl likes to sit on The Wife and fart on her, loudly, and then blame it on her mom. Cracks me up every time.

    Kid farts are hysterical.

    Dog farts, however... {shudder}

  13. Next time you ask her that try using "Pardon, did you break wind?" Say it with an English accent.:) They can't help but laugh.

  14. Oh my gosh, I WISH my DAUGHTERS "didn't" fart. Nope. They proclaim it with pride in every social situation possible loud and clear, "Mom, I tooted." In the grocery store. At weddings. IN THE CAR. They come and stand by you to let out the dreaded Silent But Deadly and then giggle like a rainbow-pony just walked in the door. They even have farting contests during dinner. Such ADORABLE little ladies! Be thankful she won't admit it. Be very thankful.

  15. From clams to farts, you must have had one smelly week....-LOL!

  16. Was your puppy hiding in the room?? They don't have butt cheeks so they make silent ones. Odd to think about really...and gross...

  17. Sunshine and Bright Eyes announce their gas proudly. Apparently this came from their father's side of the family.

  18. ...Do you have a dog? Or a cat? Was there a pet in the house?

  19. Well at least she doesn't put them in a Mason jar and Charge 5 cents to smell what's in the jar like my brother did!

    I think the smell gets worse the longer it's canned.

    I paid the 5 cents! I paid more than once, I was a dumb kid.

  20. I assume these were stealth farts that sneak out silently, like assasins.

  21. haha LOL! ;D I just love your storries that involve your kids ;D

  22. Even though you have a great mother-daughter thing going on, I have a sneaking suspicion you'll never get to the bottom of this one!

  23. Oh, you can smell your own. Trust me, I've had intestinal problems since I was 4 and have always had gas problems, specifically in the past several years. Although I'm usually on my own when I rip one...

    Maybe it wasn't even a fart or bad food. Maybe a rodent died behind one of your appliances or something.

  24. She who smelt it dealt it. Whatya think about them farts? Or you could be a tiny bit more refined and say "a case of the winds" or "little toot."

    Janie "Lola"

  25. My sister used to go to church with a whole family that had the farting fungus. Would you believe there really is such a disease?

    Now that would make me give up church if I had to sit by 'em each week. So a little smelly toot once in a while is nothing!

  26. Can't help ya sweetie.

    The boys in this house claim the smells that aren't even theirs.

  27. LOL...oh, there's nothing like a good duel! Fortunately for me, I know exactly who did it when the kids are around... And when Husband's around, it's always "Flea"...uh huh...yeah

  28. Lol! That is CLASSIC. My motto? When in doubt, blame the mom! :)

  29. We have a cat and a dog, but they were both outside. Now days have passed and the mystery still continues LOL! The only thing that's certain is: It wasn't me :0) *still giggling*

  30. Princess, Dogs can have audible farts -- at least mine do, and I'm not blaming my own windiness on the dogs; so please don't suggest I would do such a thing to my sweet, sweet boys.


  31. I love the line: "We were like two gunslingers, ready to fight to the death."

    I think it is too much of the burping smelly guy influence that I have around here, but everyone proudly claims their gas in this house--usually followed by a "Yeah baby" and an extended hand for a high five.

    That should go well when my daughter goes on her first date in many many years.

  32. This is quite similar to the conversation me and my husband have on a daily basis. He farts, and he thinks he can pin it on me. Not. A. Chance.

  33. LOLOL Here I sit in my bed at 6:45 A.M. laughing hysterically at your post. My hubby wakes up & looks at me and asks "what are you laughing at so early?" I explained your post. . what does he do? Looks at me and rips a loud fart then says "OMG was that you honey?" Ohhhhh men! LOLOLOL

  34. Ah! Do saints fart? I had never thought about that before. ;)