Wednesday, January 11, 2012

I Got a LOVE Letter!!!

    In some ways I'm a humanist.  I don't judge people based on religion, political affiliation or sexual preference.  I will however cringe if someone acts like a snob. 
    I LOVE God.  
    I think everyone has the potential to be a good, valiant, amazing person if they just try because yes, sometimes doing the right thing can take some effort.  With that being said, the following experience is HILARIOUS and I don't mean for it to be offensive in any way.  Neither, do I want to get bashed because I don't judge people for anything other than their actions which hurt others.


    Do you remember this post?

The PS Princess

    Basically, I met a snooty woman (in overly-tight jeans) who thought I was a lesbian--because I wore a hoodie!  It was strange honestly, but I'm still laughing about it because this week, someone took that post to a whole new level.
    I have THE BEST followers in the world.  In real life, people always take me wrong--constantly.  But here, you 'get me' and this just proves it.
    I had a nice cup of coffee.  My inbox poured over with so many messages from twitter, I knew I wouldn't be able to read all of them.  That's when I spotted something strange; the subject of the message read "To My Precious Pigeon."
    I opened it right away because if you know anything it's that pigeon messages are worth something.
    That's when I realized it was a love letter--a full-blown, knock your socks off, love letter--to me!

    My dearest, darling, sexy Elisa,

    The letter began and I nearly spewed coffee everywhere.  I still giggle thinking about Sex Ed..  I couldn't believe someone sent me a letter and THEY USED THE "S" WORD!  I took a moment to compose myself, then I read on.

    I've been reading your blog, always have . . . always will.
    You don't know me, but our love reminds me of two pigeons.  One can walk by the other, helping each other along.
    I saw two pigeons the other day, and shockingly I thought of you.  It's wonderfully poetic seeing birds that strut.

   The email went on and on, getting so silly that I fell into such a fit of laughter, tears streamed down my face.  

    I will always feel passion toward you, and your crazy heart which beats to the bird-like beat of mine.

                             Yours forever,

    I paused then.  Cindy?  CINDY!  
    Sure, the whole thing was a joke.  I mean hell, the sender's address was something about "pigeon love."  But Cindy--a woman?  I finally get a love letter--after months of feeling over the hill--HINT HINT Cade--write me a poem today--and it was from a woman?!  Does everyone think I'm a lesbian?  
    Unfortunately, I'd taken a sip of coffee and it nearly went down the wrong pipe because I started hooting at the computer as I read the ending.
    P.S. I so enjoyed your post about the PSer.

    So, they mentioned the lesbian post--a ha!  I responded with some ridiculous thing.

    Pigeons are such lovely birds.  Thank you for this ingenious letter.  I hope love will find you elsewhere because I'm married . . . and . . . I don't swing that way.
     I didn't get a reply.  And later I talked to a friend.  
    "Let me get this straight."  She started snorting.  "Straight, get it?"
    "Ha ha.  I got it."
    "Someone reported your blog as offensive, but you saw the good in that.  Now you got some stalker-crazy love letter . . . and you think it's a sign that someone likes your blog and is teasing you?"
    "Well, yeah."
    "When you read me the letter, it sounded pretty real to me."
    "Pigeons?" I scoffed.  "No one writes real letters about pigeon love.  Plus, I DO NOT look like I prefer women--seriously."
    "Well, you did swear on something and spit the other day.  That could be misconstrued as being a brute.  People might think you're masculine.  And you ALWAYS wear that hoodie."
    "Back up!  What is wrong with hoodies?  Since when does that signify anything?"
    "Since it has a rainbow on it."
    "It's a Lucky Charms hoodie!  So I like cereal logos, big deal."  I rolled my eyes.  "Anyway.  This was a joke.  I just know it."
    "No you don't.  But even if it was, who would do something like that?"
    "One of my witty followers," I said.  "Haven't you read their comments?  Most of the time they're funnier than the blog post."
    "Maybe," she said.  "What about your brother?"
    "Yeah, but he wouldn't do this.  He's more into robots and fake bombs.  When he pranks me, it's the art of an engineer."

    Her feedback did not help me, though.  This started out as a joke--I KNOW IT--but now I'm second-guessing myself.  The whole thing brought back memories from high school.  I had a huge crush on a guy.  He was handsome and smart.  One day after school we talked next to a piano in the choir room.  I leaned against it, trying to stand so my waist looked smaller and my legs looked longer.  (It's embarrassing, but I even pushed my chest out.)
    He got really close at one point, then shook his head and stepped away.  "You're great, Elisa," he said.  "You could even turn a gay guy straight."
    He left after that, and the next year, I found out he was gay.  I'd pushed my chest out--FOR NOTHING.
    His words always stuck with me, though.  Maybe he thought I was masculine.  Maybe even he thought I liked pigeons.

    Regardless, I got a love letter--which feels awesome even if it was a joke.  Thanks to whoever wrote it.  I haven't smiled that big since Tebow proved everyone wrong.

    In closing, have you ever heard a strange pick-up line, or received a strange love letter?
    Signing off,


  1. Ever'body loves ya, cause yer just so much fun!

  2. I don't know it seems that things keep piling up for you to swing that way, maybe the world is trying to tell you something..LOL

    This has to be a joke, funny as hell but even more so if it isn't. And you ASSUME, never assume. Cindy could be a boys name. You know like a boy named sue...haha

  3. Oh. My. God. This is the funniest thing ever! I often wonders who reads my posts and how they interpret what I say and some of the comments are too weird for even me. But that's why I love this medium, you just never know what is going on in someone's mind!

  4. There is a lot we don't know about each other, people seldom take the time to scratch the surface of our inner selves.

    I am a middle-aged,solid,mature,married woman. I was confused, but since reading your blog it became all to clear, you're exactly what I need.

    I'm not a pigeon, I would fly like a bird into your waiting arms.Ha! Ha! Gotcha!

  5. All I can think of is Alfred Hitchcock's: The Birds :p

    What can I say, I like horror. Bwah hah hah.
    Anyhu! This is fun, and whoever wrote that, joke or not, got you :D

    Your blog is fun to read, I always try to even though I don't always comment - and you reveal yourself as a pretty awesome person.

    You deserve lots of laughs :D

  6. Maybe we can be faux lesbian lovers together seeing as how I LIVE in my hoodie during the winter. But then we'd have to break up once the weather got warm again. That's when I switch to tank tops and flip flops. that lesbian wear as well?

  7. LMFAO A lucky charm hoodie!!! I cracked up when I read that. and a pidgeo love letter?? hahaha blog stalkers seem to be everywhere these days...

  8. Pigeon love.....uh, if this was a real, genuine love letter, whoever wrote it has an interesting outlook on love. Swans, yeah...doves, sure....but pigeons?!?!

  9. Alright! Cue the bizarre love letters to Elisa. I call dibs on badgers. :)

    As for pick up lines, I've said a few (maybe more than a few :) but never been on the receiving end of either that or an anonymous love letter.

    OMG, Elisa, you almost make me want to move to Utah, and live on the same street with you and Melynda, just so I can witness these things firsthand!
    Well . . . Cindy . . . bless her heart, I hope she finds somebody.
    As for you, . . swing whichever way you want, I'll still read the blog every day. LOL!

  11. Elisa, Elisa, Elisa, *shakes head* some guy said you could even turn a gay guy straight, and it took you a year before you realized me meant himself?! And you thought he meant you were masculine?! It's really no wonder you get so many pranks pulled on you - you're too easy a target. And I don't mean that as a criticism. In fact, it's part of your charm.

  12. your life is NEVER dull is it? haha.

    I have to say though, I love your brother's pranks, those were always hilarious to see.

    Maybe I'm completely out of fashion, but I don't get the whole "hoodie" thing either. Granted I don't wear them, because I can't stand long sleeves, but I don't see how that would come across as a lesbian.

    But hey! Congrats on the love letter! Everyone needs to feel special every now and then...even if it is a bit creepy. lol.

    JadeLouise Designs

  13. That's...ummmm charming? endearing? butch? Sorry I'm having a hard time finding the right words ;)

    Anyways, at least you were told you could turn a gay guy straight. In high school, after one of my friends "came out" he told me that I turned him gay! Now ain't that a sucker punch...

  14. I think I told you this before, but my memory is a thing of the past. My friend, Barbara, & I kid about being a lesbian couple. WE ARE BOTH STRAIGHT! We were sharing a cart at Walmart & I helped her unload her things. She said, "You're so strong & powerful!" I lowered my voice & said, "Thank you, honey." I checked out, put all our things in the cart & told her I was going outside for a smoke while she paid for her things. She apparently didn't hear me, because she asked the cashier, "Where are my things?" The young cashier answered, "Your--your--your, uh,--your FRIEND took them."

    And yet another time: Barbara & I were playing golf & I broke my wrist. She drove me to the ER. The doctor said I had to take off my wedding & engagement rings because my hand would swell up. I did & handed them to Barbara, who said, "You've been promising these to me forever, & you had to break your wrist for me to finally get them!" The look on both the doctor's & nurse's faces was priceless!

    No, I didn't send your love letter!

  15. "Pigeons are such lovely birds." ....LMAO Most awesome way to start a letter..EVER. Hmmm...perhaps there are even secret fan clubs out there people join and then sit around read your writing out loud...ok jk...but maybe..LOL

  16. Seriously, I love your work. So much so that I gave you an award. :)
    Check it out if you want.

  17. weird. even if it was a joke, anonymous leave too much of a question. hope you find out soon. hoodies are okay. i remember when i was a kid and we called them sweat jackets. yeah.

  18. Dear Elisa,
    No love letters sent or received, but a lot of laughter expended on this posting today! From now on, I'll always view pigeons differently. I love that the letter writer used the words strut to describe how pigeons walk. Such creative writing.


  19. I still think it's your bro. This is totally something that man would do. lol As for crazy pick up lines... I like your boots. lmao

  20. Of course we all think your a lesbian because being married to a man is the first sign of being a lesbian and of course writting blogs about snobby bitches is another sign not to forget the hoodie only lesbians wear
    At least you got a love letter and that is always a good thing.........isn't it........

  21. What a funny post. For the record- I have never heard anything about lesbian's liking hoodies more than anyone else. Who doesn't like hoodies? They are comfy and cozy. I think the love letter is funny- but it could be serious (so be a little careful- and read your emails carefully). The pigeon thing was new- that is for sure. So- whoever you got it from is certainly creative! Wow! Never a dull moment!


  22. I thought I told you that Cindy is my alter-ego. I'll have to have a chat with the woman inside of me. Sorry again.

  23. I have no idea why I felt this odd compulsion to click on this link in Twitter, but OMG so glad I did!

  24. Tony has written me a few love letters, I still have them all. It really is something we (as a society) have lost.

    Personally, I am universally appealing. Always have been. It's the curse of the "Juli factor".

    I also get in trouble standing still. :)

  25. Don't pigeons mate forever?????

  26. Joke or not - I'm with you -bottom line is you got a love letter! That is huge sister! =)

    Love that this is the first post I read visiting here!

    Twenty York Street

  27. LOL!! Well, I did have a girlfriend who happened to be gay. When she got hooked up with a serious girlfriend that girlfriend didn't want us to be friends--at all--anymore--like she was jealous of me--and I'm straight! Was so very strange. She even talked my friend into moving across the country and I never heard from her again. I know that wasn't on topic, but you said "strange" and my friend had a rescued pigeon and it all triggered that memory--LOL! ;)

  28. It may not be the hoodie. It may be the rainbow.
    Seriously. :)

  29. lol very funny Thanks for the post

  30. I love this post and am so glad I was able to get back on to read it. I too have the lesbian factor about me. We had a new lady come work in our office and while she was tomboyish, nothing about her screamed lesbian. She and I hit it off, became friends, had lunch together, hung out sometimes after work with other friends, etc. I had no idea that she was a lesbian until one night, she got a bit tipsy and started flirting with me. Even at that, I attributed it to the alcohol and forgot all about it. A few weeks later she confessed to me, out of the blue, without warning. She told me she knew I was straight, but if I ever considered trying something new, I should call her first. OMG!! I almost fell over because my lower jaw was hanging down so far. After I thought about it for awhile, I was flattered that someone considered me attactive, but alas I was not born to swing that way.

    That being said, fly your straight flag high, but know that you are adored by fans of every orientation, and evidently pigeons too...

  31. That is awesome! I would have guessed your brother too. Maybe he's changing tactics to throw you off. At least you know I was busy writing something for your kids so it wasn't I HATE pigeons!

  32. Well, my life is right boring in comparison. ~Mary

  33. I don't think I've ever heard/seen anyone compared to a pigeon. That's gotta be a first. I live in the burbs of a big city. We call pigeons "Broad Street chickens". Lol!