Thursday, January 5, 2012

The Clam Lover

    Why do people get offended so easily?  I went to a case-lot sale yesterday.  I didn't comb my hair or anything because I was so excited to get to the store before everyone else.  It was super-awesome.  I'm sure I looked like a gem, with wild hair and make-up just on one eye (the left one).  Anyway, there was a wind in my sails; I felt like I could fly because sometimes there's nothing quite like saving money so we can still make the house payment.  
    While walking through the store, I saw a huge sign for chicken soup--that sounded fantastic with carrots and chicken in REAL broth--so I bought a huge case of the stuff.  I even saved 75%; see why it's good to shop early!  Too bad when I got home, Clam Chowder filled the case NOT Chicken Noodle soup.  
    I called my friend, "Hey, I thought it was chicken noodle.  I can't hack this stuff, though.  But since I know you, I figured your family might like it.  You seem like a clam lover."
    Then, that woman--who I wanted to give a whole case of 75%-off soup to--FOR FREE--acted all butt-hurt.  "I seem like . . . a clam lover?" she asked, as if that's worse than going to Hell.  "What is that supposed to mean?"
    "That you love clams . . ." I paused trying to make things better, "and you look like it."
    "What made you think that?" she asked and I decided, she should be a lawyer.
    "Ummm . . . well, I guess it's because you're so . . . tough and so are clams."
    "Clams aren't tough.  They're elasticy."
    "That's what I meant.  'Cause clams are elasticy and you're so good at bouncing back from bad things.  You're a . . . survivor, like a clam."
    "Like the dead clams in the soup you want to give me?"
    "But you don't like clams?" she said.  "And you're comparing me to them . . . because I'm tough?"
    "Well, no."
    "But I'm like a clam?"

    The conversation went nowhere fast.  I just wanted to get rid of some soup, not a good friend!  What could I say to get out of the bad situation?  I could say mermaids like clams and she was beautiful like a mermaid . . . No, the last comparison had crashed and burned.  I could say only the smartest people like clams, but then I'd sound like an idiot!  
    The point was, I'd just been trying to give her something she'd love and in a cutesy--fun, Elisa way.  I didn't want to call and say in a monotone, "Do you want some clam chowder?"
    "You're like a clam, but only in a good, great sense."  I sighed into the phone.  "Do you want the soup or not?"
   "Yeah, I'll pick it up tonight."
   "Is five good?" I asked.
   "That's perfect."
    "Hey," I said before she hung up because I couldn't help myself.  "I'm glad you're a clam-lover."
    "You got that right," she said before giggling into the phone.  "You're fun to mess with."
    "So are you," I said although I hadn't messed with anyone and she'd scared the crap out of me.
    I'm still not sure why, but I'll never look at clam chowder the same again.  I almost lost a friend over the stuff.  Really thinking about it, it's no wonder I hate clams so much.


  1. Hahaha! She sounds like a monkey! (Oh wait, this could backfire!) ;)

  2. AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, I love this blog! You make me laugh nearly every day, Elisa.

  3. I don't like clams either. I'll never look at clam chowder the same way again. Your dialog was very entertaining! :-)

  4. I both love and hate buying in bulk. On the upside it's a great way to save $$ and keep a stocked kitchen. On the downside I sometimes experience buyer this one time I bought a gallon of nacho cheese sauce and then when I got home realized "what the hell am I going to do with a gallon of cheese sauce!?"

    Funny story. Gotta love when friends mess with you.

  5. Only you! Holy crap E! I was laughing so hard at this one my gut hurts! Love your face. Your post will be up tomorrow. Thanks you are a rock star.

  6. LOL sounds like she had lots of fun messing with you and yeah even at 75% or free those clams would never bring me glee.

  7. "That you love clams . . ." I paused trying to make things better, "and you look like it."

    That made me laugh out loud and almost fry my computer with coffee...

    I wish I lived closer to you. I LOVE clams and clam chowder! If you gave me a case of it, I'd be your best friend for life!

  8. I hate clam chowder too. Actually, I just don't like clams. In chowder or otherwise.

    It sounds like she enjoyed messing with you :D I'm glad you didn't lose a friend.

  9. LMAO!! How does someone look like they like clams?? I could see the insult ;) hahaha jk

    On another note, Clam Chowder scares me. It's just a scary looking soup...LOL!


    Clam lover...teehee...

    Oh the joy of euphemisms.

  11. If you had told her that the smartest people like Clams,and you don't like clams, you would have been admitting you weren't smart...and we all know that's not the case. I'm glad you got rid of the clams, I would have gotten rid of them too. Yuck. Clams.

  12. You look like a clam! And dear lady, what does a shrimp lover look like? ha ha ha...

  13. One of the best things I ever ate was a big pot of clams simmered in broth in a restaurant called LEGAL SEA FOODS. Their slogan--"If it's not fresh, it's not LEGAL" And clam chowder--YUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!

    If you ever end up with another unwanted case of clam chowder, please send it (postage paid) to me here at Shady Rest.

  14. I'm an "in head out mouth" person, myself. I can empathize. LOL! ;)

  15. Dear Elisa,
    Sorry to have been away so long and to have missed your family stories. I read the two on the regenerating skin creme. Scribe is going to be a writer, just like her mom. I laughed out loud when she told Hippie in the ghost story that the creme had turned you into a baby!

    I'd love to see your mom's skin. In the past few years mine has gone from smooth to uneven to Death Valley!

    As to the clams. I'm a vegetarian so be sure you send any other cans to Fishducky and not to me!

    I hope all is well. And I'm glad to hear that you are writing and editing.


  16. The thought of eating a Mollusk is about as appetizing as eating a worm that I just dug up.

    Who came up with the name Mollusk for Clam anyway?

    Your friend is a hoot and a half, I can see why you two are friends.

  17. I love clams, to a degree. But a whole case?

  18. I offend people all the time. Rarely is it intentional, but a few times, yeah. But never with clams. You win :-).

  19. I'm not a seafood person. I really hope Italians aren't despite the country being Mediterranean because I look pretty Italian!

    That also would have scared me if my friend did that. Sure, I would laugh with her when she told me that she was just joking around, but for the most part, I'd be worried. It's not that I can't take a joke - I just don't always know when someone is joking and when someone is being serious.

  20. Kind of reminds me of the old "Do I amuse you" thing that Pesci did to Liotta on "The Goodfellas."

  21. I'd be trying to give that stuff away as well. Clam chowder is popular in this neck of the woods, and we must have bought a case somewhere here as well--since it is served regularly. I need to get the phone number of your friend and inquire about delivery costs.

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  23. So funny! I love clam chowder- but I know not everyone does. I hate when I offend people when I am trying to be nice! Sometimes things just come out wrong. Glad everything worked out well. Good luck with the next deal.


  24. For years I loved the smell of clam chowder but couldnt' stand the way it tasted then a lady at work made some, now I follow her around like a small child asking when she is going to make more. I dont' think I would like it in a can, but I do like clams. I'm weird, I know.

  25. At least you had something to say, I would have been speechless on the

  26. Too funny! I'm so not a clam person!

  27. It is funny how suspicious people get when you try to give them something for free...