Friday, January 27, 2012

A Hippie and Some Missing Keys

    Yesterday my keys went missing. I was really upset with myself until remembering where I'd seen the keys last--with Cade.
    I called him. "So you see," I said. "None of this is my fault. I'm faultless in every way, like Mary Poppins, and I'd like to know where YOU lost the keys."
    Silence on the other end as he picked his jaw off of the floor. "I'm so sorry. I thought I hung them up."
    "Thinking . . . Remembering . . . I wish that could help me, but alas, I checked there. The keys ARE NOT hanging up. You've hit criminal status."
    "Why's that?" he asked.
    "Don't act naive with me. I'm sure lots of criminals steal things and then 'lose' them."
    I wish I could have seen his face, really. The pause said it all.
    "Plus," I went on, "this really sucks. Now, I can't bring the kids to school today."
    The Scribe squealed behind me because she'd been up since five AND she loves eavesdropping. "No school, Hippie! This is EPIC!"
 The Hippie groaned, though. She may be carefree and go-with-the-flow, but she LOVES school. "It's library day."  She frowned.
    "Just 'cause I can't take you doesn't mean you won't go.  I'll find someone to pick you up," I said.
    Cade laughed on the phone. "I hope you'll find the keys soon. Call me when you do."
    Oh, he has the faith of a mustard seed. There I was thinking things were worse than Hell on a Sunday, and my husband was filled with faith--what a beautiful day!
    It was six in the morning at this point. I'd been searching for an hour. There was something in the van that I needed.
    I got desperate at one point. When you're truly desperate around here, you go to the two people who can help. They're like "the Fates" just smaller. They're the two people cunning enough to steal keys, yet smart enough to hide them.
    "Do you know where the keys are?" I asked the Zombie Elf and then Doctor Jones (my three and one-year-old).
    "Keys?" the Zombie Elf asked. "I just want a dinosaur."
dungeon keys Pictures, Images and Photos
    Moving along, I went over to Doctor Jones. She nodded and clapped. I followed her EVERYWHERE. We went upstairs, downstairs, in closets. The whole time Luna (our husky puppy) followed us. We found many treasures I've been missing, like a tiny glass baby representing Zeke (my son who died), a fairy statue, my favorite bridge for my violin!
    After what seemed like a lifetime, I finally turned to Doctor Jones. Treasures filled my arms, things that squirrel had hidden from me!  "Do you really know where the keys are?"
    "No." She giggled and toddled off. I thought how next week is her second birthday. I can't let that moment dictate my choice of gift. 
    I set my bundle of precious items on the table and slumped to the floor. The dog licked my face and then practically knocked me on my back and rested on me. "Luna, do you know where the keys are?"
    She looked excited--actually thrilled. She suddenly ran to the back door and pawed at it.
    "Good, girl!" I jumped up. "You know? You do! I'm here. Show Mama where the keys are. Good, girl. Show me."
    Before going outside I turned to the Hippie and the Scribe. "I'm going outside with Luna. Keep looking for the keys. This is important."
    They both got up, a bit too slowly if you want to know the truth. The Scribe didn't want to find the keys and the Hippie is like molasses and hardly anything makes her hurry anyway--even library day.
    I went out with Luna. We traveled across the yard. I even brought treats. She sniffed and then dug a hole. I gave her a treat. "Good, girl. Are you close?" She dug some more, sniffed, then went to make a new hole. We went through over five treats, each time I rewarded her for digging a hole. (Yes, I'm an idiot.) After a dozen holes, the Hippie came out all dolled up, wearing her fancy coat, scarf, crazy plaid jeans, a mismatched polka dot top and a fuzzy headband.
    "Whatcha doin'?" she asked.
    I just glared at her. Didn't she know I'd been on a mission?  My husky/HOUND DOG was on the trail. We had the scent of metal and we were going to find those keys!
    "I'm playing with the dog," I said sarcastically because sometimes I'm a sucky mother. "What do you THINK I'm doing?"
    She followed us after that, not answering my snarky comment. I refused to give the dog more treats, but I did clap. "Good, girl. Are we getting closer? Come on. You're so good."
    "I didn't think we were supposed to encourage her to dig holes?"
    "We're not, Honey." I turned to Luna. "Come on. Dig faster, girl. You can find 'em."
    The Hippie looked at me like I'd fallen from the loony bus. She followed us for a while longer. "Mom," she cleared her throat after a LONG time. "I don't mean to interrupt you with . . . whatever you're doing, but I found something."
    I just turned to her. There was dirt on my hands at this point. My eyes probably bulged. My lips twitched and I couldn't help it.  What could she have found--I wondered!
    "Yes," I said sounding like a greedy child, who wants a sucker.  "Go on."
    "Well, I forgot, but last night when no one was looking, I went out to the van to get something.  Anyway, I must have left the keys in my coat pocket." She handed them to me. "Are you okay, Mom?  I thought you'd be happy.  But . . . You look really white."
    "Yes, Honey.  I'm . . . fine," I lied to my own child!  "How long have you had these?"
    "I found them right after you came outside to play with Luna." She studied my face. "Are you feeling sick again? You don't look good."
    So first she kept the keys from me FOREVER--then she wanted to hurl insults? I didn't look good--seriously?  Didn't she know what a terrible morning I'd had?  Was I supposed to be a beauty queen first thing in the morning?!
    "Just give me a moment," I said, trying really hard to be nice, after all she had found the keys.
    I started walking toward the side of the house and Luna--that muddy dog--followed me. I'm sure we looked like a pair. I still wore my pajamas. My hair hung in clumps. I had mud on my face and hands, but by golly I had my keys again!
    "Well, while you're busy playing with Luna over there, I'm going back inside." The Hippie waved, completely clueless and bounded into the house.
    It wasn't until she shut the door, that I screamed at the side of the house. The sun sent desperate rays--the butt-crack of dawn. A few neighbor dogs howled in response to my pain, like that time Wesley screamed in "The Princess Bride." I might have woken up everyone in a five mile radius, and I DID NOT care!
    I know it's terribly funny now, but after spending two hours searching for keys, you try laughing when you've followed a baby and then a muddy dog around forever--like your life depends on it.

    So, now that I've officially trained Luna to DIG HOLES FOR A LIVING . . .  I have a digger, four wild kids, a husband (who I apologized to), a shiny set of keys, a holey yard AND a God who loves me. Who could ask for anything more, seriously?  My life is complete.


  1. I love that she was so calm about it. And so concerned for you.

    After they get to school you should treat yourself to a hot shower. Provided Zombie Elf and Dr Jones can be trusted for that long ;)

  2. LOL well I'm sure God loves you even more now that you let Luna make your yard all holy. At least the weren't in some weird place like the freezer or something.

  3. With an ending like that, I would ask for something intoxicating.

  4. I know that I probably shouldn't laugh, but I really can't help it. Your pain brought me pleasure today, Elisa. Sorry. Maybe I'll be a nicer person tomorrow. ;)

    I'm glad your keys weren't REALLY lost. They just weren't where you expected them to be.

  5. I would have sworn that the culprit would have been The Scribe instead of The Hippie. Good luck on UNTRAINING Luna, the hole digging wonder!!

  6. You're right, it IS funny now, exceptionally funny.

    "Thinking...remembering...I wish that could help me." awesome line. Had me cracking up.

    A wonderful post, Elisa. Even if it drove you half nuts, the retelling was funny as can be.

  7. Elisa--Please give Melynda my phone number!! Thanks.

  8. That is a great story and reminds me when my parents were visiting us in NZ. They had a huge drive in the hire car going on a tour and lost the keys that day. We retraced steps to the gardening and dad spend half the day turning over soil. We had to get spares int the end but weeks later I found them in the peg bag how weird!

  9. Ya know, you'd think that good girl Hippie would have told you the second she discovered the keys in her pocket. That's what I'd do! I mean, yes, I'm not the greatest at starting the conversation when I want to talk to my parents about something (and I'm not sure if the Hippie is the same way) but when we're looking for something (usually my mom's phone :P), the first person who finds it yells "Found it!" and brings it straight to the owner. Simple as that.

  10. Dear Elisa,
    You're right! Who COULD ask for anything more!


  11. This was so funny! I swear your family is better than Family Circus! You need to make comic strips of your daily life!

  12. wow great story. I wish i could write that well.

  13. Ahhhh, the story of my US life! ...besides the kids, the husband, and the dog! lol My family and friends wanted to get a clapper alarm for my key ring because I lost it so much and would flip out trying to find it! I just realized, while watching my friend search for her keys, that I have been free from this problem since moving abroad! I don't drive and I don't typically go anywhere without Branden so my one house key is hardly ever needed! Oh, I'm sorry, this is probably rubbing salt in your wound. I'll be more polite and just laugh at you...Hahahahahaha!!! ;)

  14. So funny and so well written! Glad you found your keys and a way to laugh about it.

  15. At least the keys were found. I absolutely hate when I have had to search and search for something. It doesn't happen to me often (a bit OCD) so it drives me bonkers!! I hope you got a nice hot shower or bath sometime after all of that. ;)

  16. At least they didn't put them in a place you already looked to make you think you were insane! Or have they done that one already?! Great story.

  17. LOL, I'll never forget the time my Baby Girl, 3 at the time, hid my keys. I thought I was gonna lose it! She took me on a 2 hour wild goose chase through the house. I looked everywhere she'd been. Finally, by RANDOM CHANCE, I found them in the cabinet with the dogfood. HUH? I asked her, she said, 'the cat (from Cat in the Hat) did it!' I gave that DVD away the NEXT DAY!
    By the way, CONGRATS... I gave you a blog award on my blog! :) Happy Friday!

  18. Oh I feel you pain and frustration I have had many times when I have searched high and low for something often Jessic's keys as has a habit of not hanging them up when she comes inside and then can't remember where she put them...........I did have visions of you following the dog around teaching it to dig when somewhere inside you knew the keys where not buried in the yard but still you hope you're wrong and keep

  19. Glad you found them- but it is such a pain to lose the keys! I remember when I was looking everywhere for mine and I couldn't find them anywhere. I called my boyfriend at work because not only could I not find my keys, he had my spare. I asked him if he knew where they were because he unlocked the house with them the night before. He didn't have a clue. After frantically searching for another 30 minutes- I finally retraced his steps to the front door- where the keys were dangling still in the lock. Yep, they were outside- just waiting for anyone to unlock our door and come in! I was happy to find them, but so frustrated. Hope Luna won't dig too many holes!

  20. Frustrating. I think I could write a whole blog on sagas where we lost things (including our evil gerbil) and eventually found them.

  21. Is Luna back? I'm not sure kids totally understand the importance of keys. I left a comment on Melynda's blog a few minutes ago. Will you please read it to her or make sure someone else does? And is there any way you could make the font for your blog and especially your comments a little larger? This old lady doesn't see well either.


  22. Just wait until you get my age, then hope to have a small house with no distractions. That way, you may have a chance to find your lost keys. I think once a person turns 70 a person's keys grow legs.....

  23. Elisa I have missed you terribly. I am finally back online and delighted to be part of your madcap hilarious world again.

  24. Glad you found them. This happens far too often at our house and with more than keys.

  25. Good morning.. I have found my way over via our friend Carol from facing 50 with humour! I'm so happy I did.. Your writing is brilliant! You had me thinking where could those keys be? I need to help her find them! I was right there with you.... I'm the newest follower of your blog and can't wait to read more ... Happy Sunday, xo HHL

  26. Award time for you...because I'm crafty like that.

  27. Since I have one of Lunas relatives at my place I too know all about holes in the yard. I can't walk in the back yard at night anymore. Lazer actually dug at tunnel under the deck. I didn't realize it actually went from side to side til I saw him go under one side of the deck and up out the other. If we move we're going to have to bring a dump truck of fill dirt in. It won't be pretty.

  28. If I could have back all the time I spend searching for my keys I would be late a whole lost less. Glad that you found them before school.

    One of our dogs digs gigantic holes. We feared that our smaller dog or one of the twins would end up at the bottom of one of those holes so we finally built a dog run (which oddly does the dog does not dig in. . .).

    I hope that the rest of your day and weekend got better! Take care.

  29. Well, now you have holes in which to plant some sturdy, dog and kid surviving, plants! Keys are elusive at best, downright subversive. Who can blame your precious little girl for falling for them?

  30. Funny post! Reminded me of the many, many times I've misplaced my keys over the years. I just wrote a long response that appears to have been lost in nether blog land.

    Oh well . . . I suggest you take Susan's advice and fill those holes with plants!