Thursday, January 12, 2012

A Could-be Stripper

    I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Maybe I was still working through the whole "pigeon" thing I wrote about yesterday.  Who knows, but the fact remained I wasn't in a good mood.
    Errands and chores awaited us.  My phone died.  I got a used phone.  We went to the bank and that's when things escalated.  The Zombie Elf stood behind me.  The teller pointed in my boy's direction, "Your son's getting naked."
    I laughed without even looking.  "He won't actually get naked.  He's all show, just trying to make a scene and get attention."
    But when I turned he WAS almost naked, and everyone stared!  
    I quickly put his clothes on--after turning red--and tried smoothing things over with the elderly teller.  "You know how it goes.  You have any kids?"
    "No," she said barely keeping a grimace from her face.  "I never wanted . . . children."
    So, we left and went to the mall; after all, I needed a charger for my used phone.  Two stores rested next to each other in the middle of the place.  I looked at each kiosk.  One was a T-Mobile, while the other said, "Used phones and accessories REAL cheap."
    "How much for a charger?" I asked the T-Mobile representative.
    "Thirty bucks."
    I tried acting nonchalant as I quickly turned, pretended to go near a toy store, then doubled back to the used phone kiosk.  The T-Mobile rep had seen me though--I'd make a bad spy--and he glared at me as I asked his competitor, "How much for a charger?"
    The used phone rep seemed a bit stuffy.  I judged him then.  I imagined how he'd just come back from a religious mission.  He probably thought life was made of peaches and cream.  He was a virgin--obviously, his flowered bow tie proved that.  
    I didn't mind him really, just the way he looked at me, the Zombie Elf and Doctor Jones (my two babies).  It also bothered me that the other rep--the T-Mobile one--wouldn't stop giving me the hairy eyeball for going to the other place!
    "Wow, your kids are busy."
    I just turned to him and with my face I said, Ya think.  Pretty boy, life ain't made from peaches 'n cream, not always.
    I tried striking up a simple conversation about what charger I'd need, but he was too busy straightening his tie to move fast.
    "Wow, look at that," I said, pointing to a tablet the size of a brick.  "I remember when cellphones used to be that big.  It was terrible calling anyone."
    "Seriously?" the young guy said.  "You actually remember cell phones . . . being that big?"
    I felt old--really old.  "Yep.  I'm ancient."
    Then out of nowhere.  "Your kid," the guy suddenly blurted.  "I think he's getting naked."
    Why does my son do this to me?  It's not cool to undress EVERYWHERE.  Tellers don't want to see his dingle berry.  Phone reps don't want to see it as he jumps up and down clapping his three-year-old hands.  IIIIII  don't want to see it--every flippin time I turn around!
    But that's beside the point. 
    The real issue remained, the rep had sickened me with his innocence and youth, and I don't know why, but I was finally sick of being Pollyanna.  
    The Zombie Elf had taken off his socks and shoes.  He was about to take off his pants fully, right there, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MALL.
    "Quit that, will ya," I said in a loud voice.  "I told ya, if you're gonna be a stripper, at least do it where you'll make some money.  That's what I do, anyway."
    The rep's mouth dropped.  I never realized it, but I must have a pretty good poker face.
And although I've never been a fan of strip clubs, I LOVED them in that moment.
    The guy stuttered.  He fumbled with the charger he'd just picked up.  That Einstein, looked me up and down (as if it wasn't an obvious gesture), then after nodding and probably thinking I might be a stripper, he turned back to the chargers and blinked hard looking horrified.
    I helped my boy get his clothes back on.  When it was time for the rep to ring me up, he seemed so nervous you wouldn't believe it.  "That'll be ten dollars," he said, clearing his throat.  "Ma'am."
   I leaned in real close.  The day had gone so bad, I couldn't help but have a little bit of fun.  "Did you notice that other rep, the T-Mobile one?" I whispered.
    He didn't even nod.  He just stared at me sideways, a cool sweat breaking over his forehead.  .
    "Well, he keeps giving me the hairy eyeball," I said.  "I know it's terrible, but I can't help feeling like I'm cheating on his store," I turned completely to the guy, "with yours."
    I swear the guy looked like he might have an accident.  I still can't believe what I'd done, but it was the most hilarious thing.  We sauntered away after that and I realized being a stripper wouldn't be too bad.  I called Cade as soon as I left.
    "I scared the crap out of some guy.  He really thought I was a stripper."
    "Oh. My. Hell!  Elisa."  Cade laughed for a long time.
    "Not bad for someone who remembers cell phones being the size of bricks!  I feel really great," I said.
    "Because someone thought you were a stripper?" he asked.
    "Well, yeah.  Kind of.  I mean seriously, how many women actually know what it's like being a stripper--who doesn't have to take her clothes off?!"
    He snorted.  "You're something else, you know that?"
    "No," I said.  "But at least I know what I can pass for."
    "You still can't dance.  So don't be getting any ideas."
    "Details . . . details," I said.  "Just don't ruin the moment.  I had a terrible day up until that point, and I refuse to let anything get me down."
    "Nice," he said.  "You aren't a stripper, though.  Thank God."
    "I don't know." I laughed into the phone.  "Pretending to be one . . . that's practically like jumping out of a plane."
    "Without a shoot," he said, and I laughed so hard, thinking about how much I love that man.
"Are you shocked that I did it?" I asked after a moment.
Nope," he said. "After your toilet stunt nothing phases me."


  1. Elisa Elisa, what in the world can we do with you?!

  2. That was pretty funny. How to make lemonade out of a lemon of a day. Wonder why some kids just can't stand to leave their clothes on?

  3. If as Rachel says, you get your own reality show I will watch it ever flippin day! When you told me that last night I laughed so hard right in the middle of Home Depot. I wish you could have seen the looks on peoples faces when Phil ask me what was so funny...and I TOLD HIM. Ah the joys of being a stripper wannabe. Now I wanna be a stripper. You have inspired me!

  4. Now that is making your presence known. Just think how many armed robbers your family deterred--nothing like entering a place intent on a crime spree, seeing a naked kiddo and hightailing it out of there.

    I always enjoy when you pub that photo. I can't imagine what your neighbors were thinking.

  5. Cade has a point....after the toilet thing, people will never know what you are capable of. I agree with melynda and Rachel...get your own tv show. I'm home all the time now, and I'd gladly turn the channel from bubble guppies to you! Oh how my days would never be the same.

  6. Looks like I am now able to get back to your site. YEA!! Of course now that you are really a stripper (in disguise of course) you will definitely be blocked for the "other" reason. I love it. That had to be a huge ego boost that you were able to pull that one off. You can tell Cade, at least you didn't tell him you were a hooker! That would have killed the poor guy on the spot.

  7. Rolling. on. the. floor. laughing. my. butt. off. You are too funny!!My husband barely survives me. No way would he survive you! Love ya, Donna

  8. LOL yesterday you swing one way and today you strip and swing every which way. You sure have the imaginary personna's piling up..haha

  9. You have a serious knack for telling stories. I laughed and laughed. It is funny how people look at you like they have never seen a kid throw a tantrum, or cry, or get naked, or...whatever else we as parents have to deal with. I remember when cell phones were huge too!

  10. If there was a way to patent how awesome your kids are and market it for new parents - I swear more people would have children.

    That poor guy - but oh, so perfectly funny. Also - the toilet thing - want to know more about this.

    Cell phones? I remember when it was the size of a brick lol. And weighed about as much too! That Nokia *laugh* Good times.

  11. Hilarious - oh the adventures you have :)

  12. You're all so awesome. ;). Here's the link to the toilet story :

  13. This is just hilarious! Totally made me laugh out loud. I could see my 4 year doing this. And you are just funny. That poor salesman. Have you have another funny day!

  14. Been there with the kid stripping thing with both my two youngest. The worst was when we at Chucky Cheese this one time years ago. In goes Misery (boy #2) to their climbing tubes. Suddenly his clothes start being tossed out one by one as if he knew he was in a place where we couldn't get him. Lots of fun, I tell ya.

  15. Oh my goodness I laughed So hard!!!

    I almost think it's his own fault... I mean, he did notice how "busy" your kids were, if he was a good sales rep, he would have hurried his own little rear end up and gotten you ringed up faster, knowing that when you have kids, you just want to get in, get out and get home so they can be crazy monsters in privacy! So really, taking as long as he did, he was asking for SOMETHING like this to happen to him. lol.

    Thankfully I've never had a "stripper" out of my 3 kids. I've had very "modest conscious" kids...even my baby girl in the bath tub tries to take the wash cloth and cover herself up. It's not that we encourage the modestly at this age (2 yrs)...but heck, I'm not going to discourage it either. lol. My kids are crazy enough in store on their own, I don't need a stripper added to the mixture.

    JadeLouise Designs

  16. I want to meet you in person. I want to hang out with you. Hell, I WANT TO LIVE AT YOUR HOUSE!!!

  17. Nice one, Elisa. You're so crazy I can't stand it. Looks like you might be getting another love letter from my friend Cindy after this one.

  18. Ahahahahaha! Ok, I love the fact that Zombie Elf tried to get naked twice and as you were telling the teller not to worry, he won't actually get naked, my head was screaming "Like hell he won't!". Great call on the stripper thing! That was brilliant!!

  19. This was such a good story! I love that the bow tie guy was sooo nervous;) I would have been cracking up at your son getting naked. Kids throwing tantrums or pulling stunts like that make me laugh, and then the adults get so mad at me for laughing and encouraging them, because of course, they start laughing with me! My sister wants to kill me all of the time for it!

  20. Oh, did you doctor that toilet shot, or did you really do that?!

    1. It was real lol! I got really mad at Cade one day (about a clogged toilet). My awesome neighbor Melynda drove past and she was shocked. She wrote a blog about it--I almost died of laughter when I read it. :0)

  21. Thanks for the many wry grins this post elicited from me!

  22. Too funny! I think you acted exactly as the situation called for! Also- how hilarious that your son keeps taking off his clothes. ~Jess

  23. That's the best laugh I've had all day!! Awesome!! ROFL~

  24. There's something deliciously fun about shocking innocents once in a while. But how do you keep clothes on stripper kid? Goodness! Well, he wouldn't do it up here if you hauled his butt outside in his favorite state, that's for sure. Seven degrees is a cure all for nudity. ;)

  25. My best friend in college went home for break. She and another long time friend were out shopping and her freind paid for a sweater in $1's and $5's. She turned to her friend in front of the cashier and said, "Where did cha get all those singles? You strippin in your spare time?"

    She looked at her bold faced and said "Yip."

  26. A. You're definitely more epic than I am.

    B. Your kids are amazingly awesome/hilarious (that's epic).


    C. If you think you're old than I guess I better prepare myself for old age since I'm right behind you :/ Bummer. I miss the 90's...especially brick phones.

  27. I love your humor! I joined your blog the moment I saw that picture of you two in a giant bikini top.
    Now, this toilet story rivals that! Dragging a clogged toilet into the yard is not the first thing that comes to my mind, but then again, where else would you find a power-washer?
    Whenever I need a smile I come back to your blog. Great stuff!

  28. Oh boy. Poor you! Though you reacted extremely quickly. Did you ever figure out why Zombie was doing that? Other than to get attention.

    There are strippers who are moms trying to make money to provide for their kids. At least I think there are. There's a country song about it and just about all country songs are based on the truth. (stop me when I sound naive and ignorant, will ya?)

  29. Yeah, this totally made my Friday morning glorious :)!

  30. Love blog, I am following, follow me..
    Also, so its not just the men who read on the loo..!

  31. That toilet pic is classic!!!! Hang on...I gotta go read bout that story now...

  32. Oh my gosh. You really are the best!

  33. It sounds like your day got better at least :-). Not sure why but little kids do seem to prefer to be naked. . . .