Friday, May 6, 2011

An Interview with my Brother

What's the one item you'd grab if your home was on fire?
My nose hair clippers.


If you could be a superhero who would you be?
Captain Rhino Crinisectomy (Captian Nose Hair Remover)

If you could fight any supervillian who would it be?
The Booger


If you could marry a supervillian who would it be?
I don’t marry supervillians. I kill them… with my nose hair clippers.



Okay . . . enough with the supers!

Why did you marry your spouse?
We share the perfect combination of understanding and compromise… She understands that with me she has to compromise.


Why did they marry you?
Okay, she claims “Pure Love”, but I’m a bit skeptical. If it were possible to divorce myself, I would have long ago. But then I’d have to pay myself alimony and all those alternate personalities and pet peeves would need child support. All I can say is that the saying must be right. Love must conquer all, even for socially and emotionally dysfunctional guys like me.


What is the greatest compliment you've ever been given?
Ugh?! Must…try…to…take…questions…seriously. (catastrophic failure) My poo doesn’t stink.


If you could receive any compliment what would you like to hear?
You have nice poo.


How many hats are in your house?
Really? These questions need some help… about poo-hundred.


If you were a t-shirt, what color would you be? Why?
Brown… I think you know why (snicker).


What is your favorite breakfast food?
Bloggers


What is your worst quality?
Everything. What you see is what you get.


"Blogging is a lot like being on LSD." Didn't you say that once?
Blogging is for Little Sad Dorks. Yes, I just said that.


What would be your first question to the people of Antarctica?
There are no “people of Antarctica”, dumbass. :-) xoxoxo :P big smooch


What looks like half a watermelon?
My ass after the colonoscopy I had last year. Well, not really the colonoscopy, but the cleansing process required beforehand. Mister Baboon Butt… Juicy…


Has there ever been an incident when you laughed at yourself?
I’m laughing right now. At myself, but mostly at the person who made these stupid questions.


If you could be one fictional book character who would you be? If it's Gollum, does it have anything to do with your sister hating the words "my precious?"
Nolan Stillwater from the Middle Damned. Not really, but I had to get a plug in here for my book somewhere.
Here's the link to his site: Middle Damned


Why isn’t the number eleven pronounced onety one?
Because we have ten fingers, duh. (Or in Elisa’s case, 9.72 fingers as a result of a tragic disagreement between Elisa’s lack of concentration and a table saw. Sadly, the current lack of 10 fingers is probably why she doesn’t know the correct answer to this question. Tragic, just tragic.)

Who would win a battle between a ninja and a pirate?
Huh? What the hell is this ongoing infatuation you have with pirates? If you claim to have played pirates when you were little, or write another novel involving pirates, I’m going to open up a can of literary whoop-ass on you. I was there for your youth. THERE WERE NO PIRATES and they’ve been beat to death. Take my advice, leave the pirates be. Arrrgh.


Fine, buddy boy. If you get a plug for your book, then I get a plug for my store~Ha HA! I'm ready for some whoop-ass. How's this for pirates! Calypso Baby, C-A-L-Y-P-S-O.




Here's the link to my store:EC Boutique



How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Remote control chips implanted in their brains. It’s also how they get them to come into my yard and poop all over the grass. Kill them, kill them all. Vermin. The signs are there so you know where to hit them with your car as you pass.


What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Sliced monkey brain.


If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Good lord… If a blogger takes a dump does anyone smell it? Well, I can smell it from here, and it sure does stank.Note: (Intentional usage of incorrect tense of “stink”, tankyou (“thankyou” intentionally misspelled (“misspelled” usage is possibly spurious. I mean an incorrect ordering of the letters, not a magical curse gone wrong (You succeed by failing, of course! It's all perspective.))))