Friday, May 27, 2011

How to Predict the Future!

I did some research this morning.  Apparently there are loads of people with tips about how to see into the future.  I loved reading their insights.  Why?  Because I think it's hysterical.

Now before you go off judging me, give me a chance.  You might think it's funny too!

Maybe some people actually believe they have seer-like powers, but the fact remains, they're not Xavier from X-men!  This post is going to help you learn how idiots "see" into the future.  If you believe, maybe you can be the next Harold Camping.  I thought I'd post this since Harold Camping is an . . . idiot!


There are several different people who can see into the future.  I've labeled them below.

The Hypocrite:
This person wrote (on the internet!) that once you've decided to master the gift of foresight, you CAN NOT tell anyone else how to do it.  This is the first step in mastery!

I have a slight issue with this.  If you aren't supposed to tell anyone how to do it, then why give away the first step?  Is he so much of a prophet, he's the only one on Earth who can break his own rule?  Plus, he looks like a nut.  I bet that's what Harold looked like before he became richer than sin!

The Optimist
This person thinks you can predict the future, by changing it!  All you have to do is believe.

Every time I have a hard time with life, I just look up Harrison Ford on youtube.  He has these amazing life-changing scenes in his movies!

If you have trouble with faith, just remember it's like a mustard seed and then watch this clip.

The God
I must admit--this is my favorite find of the day.  One guy said that seeing the future is very simple.  There's only one step; all you have to do is be your own God.

WOW!  That doesn't sound complicated at all *sarcasm*.  And that's how he said it too.  That's all you have to do.  Is he serious?  That's harder than hiking up Mt. Everest--without any legs!

Number one, God is GOD for a reason.  If everyone else can be "gods," wouldn't that diminish who God is.  It reminds me of that line in The Incredibles.
 "When everyone's super, no one will be!"

There's a reason He's God.  There's a reason the Bible only speaks of one God--it's because Syndrome was right.

The Con
This person says you cannot tell others what's going to happen until AFTER it happens.

What in the world is that!  Isn't that a bit obvious?  I want to do that.  It just sounds fun!

The Harold Worshiper

This person believes that if you predict poorly, God is trying to teach you a lesson.  Dig deeper inside yourself and find why things didn't come to pass.  Maybe your insight does have a root metaphorically.  If you thought someone was going to die, maybe they are about to experience change.  If you thought someone would have a baby, maybe new blessings are coming their way.

So . . .
This post isn't flaunting that amazing things don't happen (because spiritual things happen all the time).  It's just showing that enlightened idiots do surround us and apparently they all know how to predict the future.

On a side note, I had to write this today because The Hippie had a revelation last night.

"Mama," The Hippie said.  "We don't have school tomorrow."

"Yes, yes you do."

"No I don't."

I pulled out the school calender and showed her the truth.  "May twenty-seventh."  I tapped the page.  "You have school."

"No I don't," she whispered, like The Hypocrite probably would.  "I won't have school.  I just have this feeling."

"A feeling?"


Can I just tell you that I was so tired of hearing about predictions and the end of the world.  Even typing this makes my skin crawl with anger.  I hate how the media has to pick zealots and make them look like the norm.  I don't care what religion they belong to, it's just mean.

"What kind of feeling, honey." 

"Well, I could see it happening.  For some reason, I don't know why, we're not going to have school."

"But you did your homework anyway?"

"Yeah." She nodded.


"Well, some guy thought the end of the world would come and my library teacher said he still got money even though the world was dying the next day."

I crossed my arms tightly over my chest and tried to keep my laughter in.

"So, I figured I'd do my homework anyway."

"Why?"  I asked.

"Just in case my principle changes the future."

It's amazing what kids hear and what they understand.  I'm glad I talked to the Hippie (who actually still has school today) because she made me realize that there's a third type of person who can see the future.  There's:

The Sure Bet
This person has a following.  They teach children bad ideas.  They predict the future, give religious organizations bad reps, and may be judged for it when they die.  I'm not saying I'm any better, I'm just saying it might be quite the hearing--even better than O. J.'s.

So, what do you think of all this?  Are you tired of it like I am?  After reading my great tips, do you think you can see into the future now?

Oh and if you have time, google "How to predict the future."  There are some golden nuggets in there.  It's hilarious!