Monday, May 9, 2011

I'm Back and I Was A Random Female!

Thank you so much to all of you for your amazing comments (some of which made me cry they were so sweet) and to my brother who maintained my blog and guest posted while I was gone.
Here are those posts if you have time to check them out; I had a ball reading them:
I also wanted to thank Melynda from
Crazy World
for posting my blogs on facebook while I was gone.  You're all rock stars!

So, now to the point of this post, I CANNOT believe how many crazy things happened while we were gone.  I want to tell you about them all, but I think I should start with the first day because that's when I got to be a random female!

Photobucket 

As we made our way through the airport and waited to go through security, I saw a guy from high school.  He didn't age like I'd expected.  That popular guy, who made birds sing (since he played the guitar so well), didn't look like he used to, but still I felt nervous seeing him.

"Didn't we know each other . . . in high school?" I asked and then grabbed Cade's hand, hoping he'd keep me strong and fearless.  I always have this strange way of getting jittery around the kids who were popular.

"Oh, yeah . . . I think we did," the guy said--that guy I knew by name.  "It's El . . . Elly . . . Elza, right?"  My army of children flew around me.  "Wow, you have a lot of kids.  Are all these yours?"

"Yep, we have a bunch," Cade said.  He patted me on the back and smiled.  I knew he was getting a kick out of the whole thing.

The guy from high school motioned us forward and we headed through to the security scanning area.  We all took off our shoes, our jackets, our purses, hats, wallets and keys.  We place them in bins and then prepared to walk on.  Everyone went through great until it was my turn to walk through the metal detecting arch of doom.  I walked slowly.  That guy from high school still watched me, probably trying to remember my name.

I trudged through the arch; my feet felt cold against the airport floor and my face creased with worry.  Those arches just seem unnatural and as I went through, the stupid red light on the top started blinking and a loud beeping went off.

A fake cop, who looked a bit manly for a woman, pulled me forward.  "We have a random female here, boys.  A random female."  That manly looking woman pulled me and I turned back to see my children who stared at me horrified.  "I said we have a random female.  Get her in the tube."

"Excuse me," I asked the manly woman, "but what's a random female?"

"It's a random selection.  We have to do test scans and you've been selected."

"Does this happen often?"

She put me in a glass cylinder and without another word, shut the door.  "Ummm . . . excuse me?" I asked.

The Hippie ran to the glass and touched the outside of it.  "Mama?" she asked.  What was I, a zoo attraction?  Was I in Wonka's glass elevator, about ready to shoot through the roof?  I swallowed hard because I suddenly knew what was going on.  We were getting ready for a Disney vacation and Disney has a way of spreading its magic to other parts of life just before vacationing.  I was about to suffer from a 2319.  I nearly screamed as I saw the manly woman again.  I just knew she'd sectioned me off (like in Monsters Inc.) to shave me and put me in the cone of shame!

If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you need to watch this video:



I shivered because I'd straightened my hair nicely FOR ONCE and I didn't think I could pull off the "bald look."  The Hippie put her hand up to the glass.  "I love you, Mama," she said.  "It'll be okay.  I'll save you."

"Get that little girl out of here," the guy from high school yelled, practically appearing out of no where.  "We have a random female here.  A random female."

The manly fake cop guided The Hippie to Cade.  Then a rookie worker opened the glass cage and the guy from high school stepped forward.  "You know the drill.  Swab her hands and move her along."  He turned to me.  "I'm sorry about this Elza.  We don't have many randoms around here, but when we do, we need to treat them seriously.  Nine . . . Eleven . . . well, it changed everything.  It was great seeing you though.  You have quite the family."  He walked away and left me with everyone staring around.

It was nice to see me?  He'd left me in a glass cage . . .  and it was nice to see me?!  I cursed that glass cage then.  Everyone--in a fifty-foot vicinity--could see me.  A couple people stopped putting their valuables in the scanning bins.  They just gawked at me.  I guess random females are pretty interesting.  I know it's dumb, but for the first time that day, I was glad I'd done my hair and make-up.  I tried to smile at everyone, even wave, but it was quite embarrassing, so I blushed and nodded to my children instead.

The manly woman came back and helped swab my hands with some stupid, paper roller thing.  "We'll do a test on this sample, don't worry, it's just for research."

"What?  Are you kidding me?  Why do you need to research that?"

"It's for airline safety, now move along."  She pulled me from the glass cage and sent me in the direction of my family.  I moved in jagged steps, not knowing if I'd really been a random female, and wishing everyone would quit staring.

My children, my parents and Cade watched me.  "You okay?" Cade asked.  "That's the weirdest thing I've ever seen."

"Yeah . . . How many people do they do that to?" my mom asked.

"Not many."  I shrugged and started putting my shoes back on.

"Oh, you forgot this."  The rookie brought me my purse.  "It's easy to forget stuff when you're a random.  Where are you headed anyway?" he asked politely.

"Disney World and then a cruise."

"Well, what a start to your vacation.  I hope you'll have a great time."

"Thanks," I said, trying to be nice.

So, that was the first day--the day I made it through a 2319 and lived--and it's crazy to admit, but things just got weirder after that.