Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Wrong Blog and My Crazy Luck

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I've decided I have some crazy luck.  I don't think it's bad OR good, it's just crazy.  Before I tell you about last weekend, let me lay a good foundation.

My mother is a wonderful woman--amazing really.  She's beautiful and smart.  She's very religious (Born Again Christian) and plays the drums in church.  She was the Home Coming Queen in high school and later the county's beauty queen in college; her talent was rocking out on the drums.  She's so cool I bet she even wore her evening gown while she played Wipe Out!  So, if you haven't guessed it already, my mother is not your norm.  She's fun to be around and absolutely fantastic in every way.  Well, you needed to know that to fully appreciate the story that follows.

A couple of years ago her computer had problems.  Strange pop-ups constantly skirted her internet--disgusting pop-ups.  She had someone take a look at it and eventually the problem died, but after that the dinosaur of a computer didn't want to run fast.  So, after two years of dealing with a slow computer, my mom finally got a new one.  She's still been upset about those unchristian pop-ups; they were gross and signaled the beginning of her computer's demise.

So anyway, last weekend she invited me over to look at her new computer.  The thing is awesome.  It's bigger than Madonna's hair in the 80's!  The screen shines of hope and happiness.  I asked my mom if I could pull up my blog, just so I could see it on a big screen.  I knew that would feel awesome, maybe like getting a book published!

My mom yelled from the other room.  "Sure, honey.  Just save your site to my favorites."  I was so excited she wanted to read my blog--my mother who I always laugh with--the lady who I call all the time because she's so much fun.  So, with speed overtaking my fingers I typed in the url.  I don't know if I was in too much of a hurry, or if God wanted a good laugh, but I typed in the wrong name.  Instead of typing: blogspot.com, I typed: blopgspot.com
It sent me to some gross site!

***Adult Warning*** flashed on the screen.  I thought that was strange.  I'd never accessed my site from another computer.  I didn't know my blog was that risque.  So, I hit enter and wow, I didn't want to see that.  I gasped!  A naked lady stared at me and she didn't even seem embarrassed!  I blinked and rubbed my eyes.  I was in deep crap.  Yucky Pictures--were on my mom's computer again!!!

"Is everything okay, honey?"

"It's fine, just . . . well, it's fine."  I heard her feet coming closer.  She was about to enter the room and I didn't want her seeing the naked lady on her big wide screen!  I shook, trying to clutch the mouse and close the screen.  I gaped at the website I'd typed.  Blop G-spot instead of Blog Spot!  What the CRAP!  What had my fingers been thinking and why did someone else have a site so similar to mine?

I automatically thought of Mary!  Do you remember me writing about how there's a sex shop named EC Boutique and how I have a sewing business named EC Boutique.  People keep calling me and they're calling about yucky items for the wrong business!  Mary keeps calling me!  If you haven't read that story, it may shine more light on this current conundrum.
Here's the link to:  This is not a sex shop!

"So what did you write about today?" my sweet, Christian mom asked.  But I didn't answer right away; she was about to see the naked woman on the screen.

"Nothing . . . nothing."  I felt time slow, like when Neo dodged that bullet on the matrix.  My mom was about to see the screen--the naked lady on her NEW computer.  If my mom saw that I knew she'd want to whack me with her bible.  But just in time, before she could see my crazy luck, I hit the "x" on the "x-rated" screen.

"Everything okay?" she asked.

"It's fine . . . now."  I breathed heavily.  I know I did, but then I felt guilty wondering if my mom would get some horrible pop-ups again.  Maybe I'm a wretched daughter!  Maybe my luck just makes things worse!

I wanted to tell her, really I did, but I didn't know how.  How do you start that conversation and make it even sound real?  "Hey mom, I accessed an x-rated site on your brand new computer.  I thought it was my blog."  No, there was no way to broach it.  I'd just have to smile and pretend like it didn't happen.  I liked that plan and it worked well, until yesterday.

My mom called.  "I heard you posted a cute video about mimes, so I thought I'd talk to you while I watch it."

"Just make sure you type in my whole web address."

"It'll pop up once I start typing it."

I started sweating.  "Don't type w-w-w.  There's no w, just e-c writes."

"How funny," she said.  "It popped up with the W's.  There's an adult warning?"

"Don't enter that site!"

"Elisa!!!  No wonder you're getting mixed reviews on your site.  You put up a picture of a . . ." She gasped, full-on gasped.  "Of a . . . nude!  Oh my!"

"That isn't my site."

"Then why did it come up?  Someone's been to this site on my computer!  My new computer.  Oh yuck, Elisa!"

So, I drove over to my mom's house.  I told her the whole story after that.  I think I had some tears in my eyes because I felt so bad.

"My site is a blogspot site.  I didn't mean to access a G-spot on your new computer."  I put my hand over my mouth.  Why am I such an idiot!  Sometimes I mean to say the right things AND THEY JUST COME OUT WRONG!

She snorted when I said that, but was actually really nice about the whole situation, more understanding than I'd thought.  She didn't even whack me with her bible or concordance, or anything.  I even watched as her beauty queen features turned to merriment.  Her eyes twinkled as she talked to me.  "It is kind of funny."

I smiled and thought of my crazy luck.  "I guess it kinda is." 

My mom hugged me and I felt like a little girl again.  Maybe it was a good thing I accessed that site after all.  It gave me another reason to get a hug from my super-understanding mom.