Wednesday, January 26, 2011

This is not a sex shop!


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Let me start off by saying, "I've been getting some interesting phone calls."

It's probably because I own a kids' clothing business called, "EC Boutique." It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized another company was using that name--a sex shop. Their official name is: Erotic Cabaret Boutique and I'm sure they're a beautiful establishment, but as of now it seems I'm their new receptionist.

I'm not a prude, not at all, but I am naive. People keep asking for stocked items--and I have no idea what in the Hell they're talking about, let alone how much they are!

Now, a good side does shine through this "sexy situation"; there's nothing like going to church on Sunday, and then--right when church ends and you're standing in the lobby where everyone is watching you--someone calls wondering if you have any vibrators. So that was the height of embarrassing. I put my hand to the side of the phone and said, "I'm sorry I can't talk now." Then all the yuppies in a ten-foot radius looked at me like I'm a big fat sinner--the worst kind--the kind with a secret!

The other problem is that I don't want ANYONE answering my phone. The last thing I want is for my awesome mom or mother-in-law thinking I'm a perv! So whenever my phone rings, I practically fall over myself to grab it before anyone else can.

I still can't get over this whole thing. I'm the kind of person that has a hard time saying I had a vaginal delivery--I mean what was it . . . like UPS, or freight? The word "delivery" does not belong next to the word "vaginal." Nothing belongs next to the word "vaginal" except "gross" as far as I'm concerned.
When I was in fifth grade a boy asked if I wanted to be in the pen 15 club. I was so excited to be in a club; I skipped down the hallway, hummed in the bathroom, even talked during class. I told the boy I would love to join his club. That's when he wrote: PEN15 on my hand except the 1 looked like an "I" and the 5 looked like an "S." My mom saw that permanent marker on my hand and was livid! I was little though, and didn't really know what was going on until later.
Ever since I don't even like saying the word p-e-n-i-s because PEN15 is so much better, after all they have clubs going by that name!

Anyway, I'm really thinking about changing my answering machine because I receive messages that are out of this world. Right now I really love my voice answering message. It sounds cute and professional, like I was raised in a good neighborhood in a cute little house where we owned an expensive dog. I sound like one of those amazing women who wear boots (if you want to know the truth) and that's why I don't want to change it. I say, "Thanks for calling EC Boutique. Leave your name and number and I'll get right back to you just as soon as I can. Thank you so much for your time." But the more I think about it, I probably sound exactly like someone who works at a sex shop!

Have you ever been to a sex shop? Well, I have. Go ahead, tell me I have a date with a diablo. I've been twice!!! Two times okay~gesh! And both times some really interesting people worked there. I still remember them because I knew my face pulsed red and their eyes glued to mine since I
look like a prude no matter how hard I try not looking like one. The name "Bible Girl" is practically etched into my forehead. Anyway, the people that work at sex shops are either old men (with pot bellies,) college girls (with magenta hair and millions of piercings,) or people just like me (who are sick of being dubbed "goody goody.")

So, plan one for today is: change my answering machine. I need to talk in a voice that won't sound like I enjoy saying the word "lubricant." My new message shall say: "This is EC Boutique, an online KIDS' CLOTHING STORE!!! If you want sex, you have THE WRONG NUMBER! But if you're calling about the new line of clothes we have coming this spring, please feel absolutely guiltless about leaving your name and number. Thanks so much and I'll talk to you soon."


I've posted a link to the phone message I received yesterday. I'm not a HTML princess, so I hope the link will work. You might have to download the .wma to listen to it, but it's worth it--trust me.


Caption: Hi, this is Mary.
I was checking to see if you guys have the um . . . PEN15 Pumps for the guys.
Ummm . . . Give me a call at **********. Thank 'preciate it.