Sunday, March 13, 2011

It's In His Kiss: How to know if you're dating "A Winner."

First off, let me say this post will probably get me in more trouble than the previous blog war.   
This entry stems from my hatred for open eye and showman kissers.  If you think you're tough enough for this, then read on.  If not, your sweet, little feelings might want to stop and go to another blog where you can learn how to cook Crème brûlée.


So, I've been thinking about this post for a few weeks.  I have many friends who are still trying to find Mr. Right.  Whether they've been married or got divorced years ago; they've all voiced their concerns about how hard it is finding a good guy.

The problem is that 99.9% of guys want one thing and they'll jump through flaming hoops to get it.   

How do you know if the guy is really nice, or just some sideshow performer?

Well, I looked back to when I dated.  I had a theory.  If you've been reading my blog, you already know how many silly theories I have, but this one actually proved to be a good one.  As you read this I want you to keep a few things in mind.  I ran away with Cade when I was seventeen.  I had The Scribe at eighteen and Zeke died when I was nineteen.  I grew up fast and didn't get much dating experience.  But from the few people I did date, I learned enough to know that this theory is gold, pure and sweet.

I talked to some of my friends and we came up with this extensive list.   
If you're dating a guy and he does one of these things over 70% of the time, then chances are he's not for you!  
Don't be scared; read on IF YOU DARE!

If you get offended by this, then maybe you need to drink some Holy Water.  As I wrote above, it's not an issue UNLESS this happens over 70% of the time.  Heck, I'm even on this list; I'm "The Interrupter," but only about 30% of the time.  *PHEW* Thank goodness I'm safe!

Anyway, here's the list (which is alphabetized for your convenience):  

Animal Kisser - This person is just gross.  He'll kiss his dog and then you.  "Really?" you ask.  "Do people actually do this?"  The answer is, YES.  Dog saliva--it's not a beautiful thing to pass along.

Corpse Kisser - These kisses are as cold as death.  You'll know if your man gives these because you'll automatically wonder if he's worked at a morg, or worse--if he's related to the Cullens!  If he's a corpse-face, chances are he's cheating or just not that into you.

Dodger - This person dodges altogether or will kiss your cheek or forehead instead.  This can be embarrassing.  Is he your father . . . or your date?!  This person is too paternal!  Now I feel bad writing this, but I've done it to someone before.  Once in High School a guy tried to kiss me.  I moved and pushed his face into the side of the locker.  He held his nose after that and just glared at me.  Poor unsuspecting prey; that day he learned something.  You don't kiss a girl unless they want to be kissed!

Fantasizer - When this person gets done kissing, they continue closing their eyes and licking their lips.  You may find yourself asking, "Excuse me.  Are you okay?  Do you need some time alone, to finish making out with yourself?"  A fantasizer is VERY yucky.  Narcissism is their friend!

Germ-a-phob - They wipe their mouth on their sleeve AFTER kissing you.  Now unless you're a "Saliva Monster" and he needs to cleanse his face, this just isn't cool.  It shows he's still hanging from his Mommy's apron strings.  There's nothing worse than a man who can't make a decision without his Mommy's approval.  Take my advice and run away!

Head Butter - Very controlling.  They pull you in for a kiss and leave you no room for exit.  I'm lucky the kid I dodged wasn't a Head Butter.  It's hard getting away from this controlling kind.  If you'd like to keep dating a Head Butter, make sure you have the number for the nearest women's shelter.
Hen Pecker - This person pecks and jets.  VERY non-committal!  A Hen Pecker will never marry you although he'd happily live with you for decades and maybe even give you a ring.
Inhaler - This person tries sucking the air from your mouth.  You want to say, "Wait up.  Are you trying to suck my essence?"  Maybe they think they're a Skeksis consuming your Gelfling spirit or maybe they suffer from jealousy.  It's most likely the latter.  If your man kisses like this, you have a better job than him and he's spending his whole life wishing he was you!


Inspector - They have to check out your entire mouth.  Inspectors are very insecure.  They make you feel violated and a hired detective is already following you, trying to see if they can discover something other than the anatomy of your mouth.  Either break-up with the creep or try boosting his confidence with spicy words of kindness.  If that doesn't work--date the detective.

Interrupter - This is actually me, but only 30% of the time.  You'll be kissing this person and they'll pull away just to tell you some nugget of information like, "Oh crap!  I forgot to tell you that I had the funniest thing happen today and blah blah blah."  Not a great thing to add to your self-esteem.  This person may weigh on you with their constant talk of blogging and silly theories about life!  Unless you want to talk about Run Away!

Mr. Bad Breath - You don't need to kiss this person to know that they have sucky hygiene.  Sure you might think that's something you can fix--WRONG!  It means they have little work ethic or struggle keeping a job.  Unless they own their own business, no one wants to hire someone with breath worse than the day Lazarus came back from the dead!

Mr. Cherry Lipgloss - I dumped this guy after our first kiss.  I don't even know why this is on the list other than it made me say, "What the Hell?"  So, Mr. Cherry Lipgloss, if you're reading this, I hope you're wearing MEN'S CHAP STICK now.  If not, you're probably still single.  Best of wishes--to you!

Nibbler / Wanderer - They nibble your ear, your nose, YOUR E-Y-E!  When all you're thinking is, "Wow, what poor aim!"  Unless this person is an E. N. T. Specialist, they'll make for bad offspring with little to no coordination.  Remember though: Only If it's 70% of the time.  If it is, then Run Away!

Open-Eye - Stalker BEWARE.  If you're the most gorgeous super model in the world, this one doesn't apply to you, if not, listen up!  People that keep their eyes open while kissing are nuts!  They might as well go make animal balloons at the mental ward.  This is creepier than Satan on a unicycle!  I HATE open eye kissers.  First they'll stalk you.  You get ready to go to school in the morning and even though you already broke up with the dude, he'll be waiting in your driveway.  Then you'll start a blog fifteen years later--and he'll be your most avid follower!  Don't lead this person on.  And Don't ask me how I know.

Retainer Kisser - They remove their retainer before kissing you.  It's probably better that they remove it, but it only becomes an issue when they snort and act like Erkel.  This is a "No. No."  The only positive thing about an Erkel kisser is that they make for smart offspring.  The major problem is that they'll put their work above you and you'll hardly see them.  Unless you like alone time, run away.

Scared of Affection - You try to kiss this person and they refuse to do so in public.  They care too much what people think!  This is very closely connected to the Showman because this person probably wants a Trophy Wife. 

Showman - This is the guy who sees someone else checking you out and automatically has to cup your butt or land a big juicy kiss on your lips.  This is almost worse than an Open-eye Stalker!!!  I can't stand it when guys do this.  "What?" I said once.  "Are you marking your territory."  If you're with them in the first place, why do they need to show-off only when someone else is looking.  YUCK!  If you want to be with someone who cares less what you think and more about everyone else, then go ahead and marry the creep!

Sinner / Bi-polar - This also doesn't need to be on the list, but I find it funny.  I dated a couple of guys who were extreme Christians.  They refused to kiss unless we were in the sight of God.  We'd always go to a church parking lot and kiss.  Have you ever kissed in the sight of God?  It's not fun.  The only time I liked it was on my wedding day, other than that it feels wrong!  "Hey God, wanna watch something cool?"  No, don't date this person.  It's not a good time!  Plus you won't even kiss much anyway.  It turns into the Hen Peck gone extremely wrong.  You'll kiss and then the guilt kills you because at the time you'll picture a big eye staring through the window TO YOUR SOUL!

Sucker Fish / Saliva Monster - Selfish.  They literally take your breath away.  You do come away cleansed, but it's not worth it.  They'd rather make out with a mirror, than be with you.  Plus they might drown you with their spit.  This IS NOT the person you want to marry.

So after reading this, do you have any you'd like to add?

I just have more more tip in closing:

When I was in high school I had two crazy rules: 
I wouldn't kiss a guy until I dated him for six months and I would never shave my legs if I worried the guy might try going further than kissing. 
It was an awesome way to weed out the creeps. Lots of guys wouldn't wait that long because they're dumb like that.  So, when in doubt, wait.  Then if you see one of these signs looming in the horizon, dump the creep and don't look back!

Good luck.


  1. date the! Has anyone else ever encountered a "Tongue Sucker"? When you are in the middle of a really awesome french kiss and he suddenly latches on to your tongue and tries to suck it right out of your mouth? It's alarming and a little painful when you try and pull away. These guys have a hard time keeping with one girl so they try anything they can to stay "attached" even if it is by latching onto your tongue!

  2. try taking that 30% and times by 2 =P

  3. Thank you for the review of kissing styles. It has been so long since I have given that much thought. We've been married a LONNNNNGGGG time, and I haven't kissed anyone else who is not a blood relative.
    I think I'll go check out my husband, see what he is doing.

  4. Suck my essence?! I laughed out loud at that one.

  5. I LOVE it LOL! Anything to stay attached--nice ;) That needs to be on the list next to the Gelfling one.

    60%!!! At least I'm not above 70. Now I CAN'T WAIT to pay you back for the other day. You, Mr. Corpse Kisser better watch out ;)

  6. Wouldn't touch this one with a 10 foot pole!

  7. They way I see it, something has to be open while kissing, be it eyes, mouth, heart, or legs!

  8. This is seriously funny! Thanks for the comment on my blog so I could hear about yours.