Monday, March 28, 2011

I Have To Get Him Back

I love how this title almost implies that I'm in marital heartache.  Well, here's a big shot in the arm--I'm not.  But my husband does need to be taught a lesson.  
He's a pranker, THE BIGGEST pranker I know.


Remember how he put towels and a note on my porch after I wrote that story about Melon Girl and how she took my towels?

Well a couple of weeks ago he bought fake lottery tickets and passed them out at work.  I guess he pranked the guys really good.  He saw my mom's car at the movie theater and taped a note to her window.  It said, "I'm watching you" and had a scripture verse on it!  What was that?  Did it say something pertinent to her life?

Now, if there's one word that fits my mother, it's "classy."  You can't even call her "a woman," she should be referred to as "a lady."  I bet you'd think she had a British accent if you saw her--that's how classy the lady is.  She's sweet and kind; she deserves the best of everything.  That's why she was a homecoming queen who married a football star.  I don't know how I'm their daughter because I'm not classy.  Plus, my mom's extremely girly and sweet.  I remember her always wanting me to play Barbies, but I was too busy climbing trees, training a Hell cat and playing pirates. 

So, my husband stuck that note on the car.  Now, within the next few hours, some weird stuff started happening.  The dog got out AGAIN!  I don't know if I should blame that Dog Lady or Cade!  Then, someone named AnneMarie--with zero feedback--ordered a maternity shirt from me on e-bay.  The thing that killed me was how she insisted on going by "Mary" and that she didn't pay at all!  If you remember the story: How to Prank a Prank Caller, you'll realize this isn't a good thing!  Mary has been calling me for months.  I finally called her back and NOW she wants to order from my store instead of the sex shop!

After all that happened, I waited outside of Home Depot.  Cade had brought two of our kids in the store with him and I had the other two with me.  My phone rang.  I expected it to be my mother, freaking out about Cade's latest shenanigan, but it wasn't my mom, it was Jill.

"They saw that black car again!"

"Who?" I asked.  

"The neighbors saw him.  He's been parking by my house late at night!  He's scoping it out!  I wish you and Grandma Gertie could come over again.  I can't tell you how scary this is."

 "I'm sorry, Jill."  I didn't know what to say.  How do you help someone who's under attack?  What could I do?  Ask her to come live at my house?

I hung up and the phone rang again.  "I found your dog, but someone let my dog out too.  They broke the lock on my gate."  It was my neighbor.

"What the crap!"  I would have said "Hell," but she's Mormon AND she just lost her dog.  I didn't want to offend the sweet lady.  "Why would they let your dog out too?"

"Maybe 'cause I found yours?"

The day wasn't going well.  It was a ball of chaos, and as Cade came back to the car, I wondered why the dogs got out.  Why does a black car follow Jill, AND why did "Mary" order a top she won't pay for?  I thought of all those things and my phone rang again.  I wanted to throw it out the window, until I realized how many black cars were parked by us!  I could have screamed.  Why does everyone and their dog own a black car--Poor Jill!

My mom's voice quivered on the other line.  She was terrified.  "Someone  . . . put a stalker note . . . on my car!"

"Ummm . . . I think Cade has something to tell you."  I passed my cell to Cade. 

After he told her, she paused.  "Thank God someone really isn't watching me!  Why'd you put a scripture, Cade!"

While they talked, I wondered where Cade's pranks end.  It seems as if they keep going and going.  He's like the incredibly handsome man who cries wolf, too bad one of these days it's not going to be him and no one will believe him!

"Are you Mary and did you let the dog out?" I blurted when he got off the phone.  "Where do your pranks end?"

He chuckled.  "There's a code to being a pranker.  Of course I'm not Mary and I wouldn't let the dog out."

"A code?"

"Yeah, you bet there's one.  One of the rules is that you don't do things that cost too much.  Letting a dog out . . . well that's obviously against the code."

"And pretending to buy a maternity top on e-bay?"

"Are you kidding?" he asked.  "That's definitely beneath me."

So, maybe Cade isn't the culprit.  Maybe the Dog Lady has struck again?  What do you think?  Is this all some weird coincidence?  Maybe when it rains it pours?