Before you read this story make sure you've read:
This is not a sex shop!
Over the past month I've still received calls for the other EC Boutique (the sex shop.) Mary, dear sweet Mary, was the woman behind two more messages. I started wondering what sort of "real caller" would contact a non-responsive company three times. Usually a person might try once, maybe twice, but definitely not three times. It wasn't until my husband got a strange call last week, that I really wondered if the these messages from Mary were legit or just pranks.
Here's the type of message I kept getting from her:
Mary's PG13 phone call!
Caption: Hi, this is Mary.
I was checking to see if you guys have the um . . . Pumps for the guys.
Ummm . . . Give me a call at **********. Thank 'preciate it.
Anyway, one night last week my husband answered his phone. "Hello."
"I know what yous been doing!"
"Excuse me?" Cade said.
"I know what yous been doing."
"Ummm. I think you have the wrong number, man."
"I say, I know what yous been doing."
"I haven't been doing--"
"You've been cheating wit my woman."
Cade paused, then readjusted the phone to his other ear. "I don't know what you're talking about." Cade looked really confused, but my attention perked with fright. The whole conversation made me a bit nervous. Who was that man and what did "his woman" look like?
"Don't play dumb wit me. I know yous been wit my woman."
"Yous been wit my big, big woman."
"I . . . haven't been with your . . . big woman. I really think you have the wrong number," Cade said.
"Don't play dumb wit me."
"I swear, I'm not playing--"
"I'M NOT!" Cade hung up after that.
I felt a bit shaky as I put my hands on my hips. "Who was that?"
Cade paled, blank with concern.
"Do you have any idea who it was?" I asked.
"No idea," he said. "He sounded like a big dude though."
I studied him and raised my brows. "So . . .you not wit his woman?"
Cade shook his head and laughed. "I bet it's one of the guys from work."
"Really?" I was worried, but tried to act okay. How could I tell if the man really had the wrong number; could I call him back? I thought of the guys from Cade's work. They crack me up. They're constantly pulling pranks, but this was a stupid one, IF it was a prank. I almost wanted to cry as I remembered that Cade recently told me I should gain some weight.
I thought about his words. "You're starting to look too skinny," he'd said. In that moment I wondered; maybe Cade was into big women . . . other people's big women.
I stewed in my insecurity for almost an hour. Then Cade got another call. One of his best friends (from work) laughed on the other line. "I got you, man. I totally had you with that phone app!"
I couldn't deny that it was funny. Those goofballs from work are so happy-go-lucky, and they do some of the stupidest, yet most hilarious things to each other. They're so golden, I even wrote about them in my YA fantasy; they're a band of scurvy pirates Zeke meets on his journey.
So, later that night as I felt guilty for doubting Cade, I thought of Mary. The last time she'd called was a week before. I knew it in my heart then; one of my friends had heard about my misfortune with the other EC Boutique, the sex shop. Surly they'd think about pranking me. If Mary's calls weren't the result of some recorded phone app, then Mary was one of my friends who thought it would be funny to disguise their voice and prank me.
I giggled, devising a plan. I'd call "Mary" and give her a dose of her own pranking medicine! I had the whole conversation mapped out; how I'd record it and post it on my blog. I'd tease that trickster relentlessly--until they told me their TRUE identity or withered in embarrassment. I just knew it was either one of my closest friends or one of Cade's hilarious co-workers.
Don't watch this video unless you're prepared for some sex shop humor.
Here's how the call went:
Too bad for me, I have the worst luck in the world and I'm extremely good at being wrong! When the real Mary answered, I completely freaked out. I'd planned on busting one of my friends, not talking to a genuine person! (Part of me still wonders though if this was a pranker--a master pranker.) So when I freaked out, I don't know why I decided to sell her something. Maybe it was because I hoped the person would start laughing and just say, "All right, Elisa. You got me. I don't want a pillow, but this is me, your goofball buddy." No one wants to be sold something; I knew that would make the real person surface for sure!
But even as I persisted, Mary didn't come out of the closet! I guess I felt like I needed a good reason to be calling after that, so I babbled on and told her about Dr. Johns. It wasn't until she used the word "Hon" that I felt like a complete jerk. No prank caller would use the word "Hon." That's against prank code! That's when I knew beyond anything that Mary is real.
I also don't know why I said the pumps were out of stock, or that I make clothing and would like to make her a pillow! What was that? In what country does a pillow constitute "clothing?" I didn't even tell the poor woman what company I was with. I just said something like, "Hey. This is me, Elisa!" like we're great friends or something. No wonder she paused, trying to figure out who I was even though she'd left me another message only two weeks ago.
The only thing I'm super happy about is that she didn't actually buy a pillow from me. That's something I never want to make. Never. Ever.
All I can say is, "WOW. She was real . . . I can hardly believe she was real!"
I'd like to call this video, "Getting Over Mary."
Here it is (because yes indeed, there's something about Mary):
So, I still feel bad, but at the same time this is really funny. I wanted to prank a pranker, but instead I pranked a sweet old lady! It's almost like I got duped again! Mary was quite nice though (if she is a real person and not someone my friends are pretending to be.) By the way, if Mary isn't real and the joke is still persisting, now's the time to confess. Are any of you Mary? Please, someone confess . . .
Someone . . .
As an afterthought: If Mary is "real" do you think she'll keep calling me after I pranked her--a poor old woman? Did I seriously just type that??? I, Elisa the Alterer, just pranked a sweet, old lady. Wow! What in the world was I thinking? I can't believe I actually thought she was a prank caller. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Poor lady. I hope she'll find the best pump in the world after what I just put her through. At least we know she's probably stocked up on pillows. She didn't sound too interested in buying one of those.
God Bless you on your quest, Mary.
Elisa the Pranker