Almost 20 years since he died…and 10 years since I’ve read my journal about that time. It’s strange how it transports me back. Sure it feels faded, like entering a sepia photo, but I still feel as if there.
Normally its words have the power to validate and heal, reminding me that if I made it through that, I can suffer through anything. But this time, reading my journal has left me bewildered.
I guess I’m a bit shocked with the similarities between dealing with Zeke’s mortality and facing my own. The same exact people have come out of the woodwork of my life to say I’m going to Hell, to explain that I ate the wrong things and it caused this, to explain that the “sins of my fathers” brought this upon me. And I have to say their lack of growth—and my own lack of how to handle this—is a bit discouraging. How can ALL of us, after 20 years, have changed so little?
There are good things to this: It doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. These opinions just sound primitive—almost laughable. And I know these people are just grasping for the answer to an imperfect world. But “perfection” is perception, literally what you make it, and I’ve never lost my positivity despite harrowing situations: the death of my oldest son, staying in a women’s shelter eight years ago with my children, subsequently getting divorced, and now, fighting stage 4 cancer.
Although I’ve abandoned religion since Zeke died, and I honestly struggle to pray, I have never lost my faith in God and that He has a plan for my life. To lose that would be to lose my world.
So, it’s interesting rereading “The Golden Sky.” It really is a mirror image of what I’m experiencing now. Although I must admit, facing the death of my own son was much harder than facing my own loss of life. No one should have to watch their own child die…. No one. Maybe that’s why cancer isn’t as hard as I expected after all. Physical suffering is excruciating, but it’s nothing compared to wishing you could take your baby’s place in that grave.
If you want to learn more about “The Golden Sky,” you can find that here: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B006FD16DQ/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=
The Golden Sky is a bloody great book
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea how much this made my day. Thank you!
DeleteI agree, it is a beautiful book and my heart fills with sadness thinking about what you went through. And now you are going through so much again. I have no words...
ReplyDeleteBut I will send you a bucket full of love. And I think about you often, you are such a beautiful soul. I'm most happy that you and Mike found each other. If I were younger, I would invite myself to come and visit you, stay in a hotel of course. I don't know how Dee does it, she's older than I am, I think. She loves you so much, maybe that's what gives her the strength. I just hate that this happened to you. Love is more important though, so I will send some more off across this virtual world and wish I could be there to give you a hug instead.
We would love to see you! If we’re ever in California, it would be so fun to go visit you and go to lunch or something :-)
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