I know the darkness will come then--it always does--and I'm left dusted in numbing frost. My limbs stiffen, so cold I shake and my tears mingle with the grimy ground. That's when the mice come, picking at the flesh on my arms and legs. I don't see them, but I hear them, executing squeaky orders, working as a team to devise my slow death.
They gnaw, until almost nothing is left--then true oblivion comes. . . That's when I wake up.
I've told friends about this dream. Some think it's because Homeless in Hawaii was just published.
Dreams have always been a big part of my life.
Let me give you some history . . .
In Bible Girl & the Bad Boy, I dreamed about an ocean of ice, where I drifted away from my family--this was right before I ran away in waking life. In Homeless in Hawaii, I dreamed about a wooden burden that later took a human form--before I discovered (in waking life) that I felt of my own self-worth as a burden. In The Golden Sky--perhaps my most telling memoir--I dreamed about a fire that burned everything except people. This happened when my son passed away and brought so much change into my world.
These dreams each had a very symbolic meaning.
Over the years I've read many books about our subconscious minds, and how we deal with emotions while we sleep.
The most productive and accurate book I've found is The Element Encyclopedia of 20,000 Dreams.
So I pulled that book out last night, the whole time I thought about how I try to feel like I'm worth something. Then the same people drag me down, criticizing my every action. That's when I crumble. Why does their feedback hurt so much? I've tried my very hardest. With the help of others, I founded Wayman Publishing. I've written multiple books in the past few years. I'm on Wikipedia: HERE.
But the thing is, when you're a writer, you get feedback from limitless people. I've literally been receiving hundreds of emails each day. My Twitter and Facebook account have become overwhelming. Wayman Publishing has been getting around 90 queries a month. This has made me stronger. But why does the feedback of certain "friends" still sting so much? Is this what my dream, of being a beggar and getting eaten by mice, means? Am I just overwhelmed?
So I looked up beggars.
Beggar = Low Self-esteem. Starving emotions into destitution.
What about the mice?
Mice = Timidity. Changes that gnaw away.
Attacked by Animals = Repressing Instincts. Being too civilized. It could be time to stand up for yourself.
There have been many times in the past (and present) where people have walked all over me. I take it. When I love them--regardless of the friendship/love being toxic--I get hurt over and over.
I'm glad I've been having this dream and that I looked things up. Whether you believe in Telling Dreams or not, this is something for me to remember.
I need to stop looking to others for validation.
I need to stand up for myself and my family when the time comes.
No matter what anyone says, I'm doing the best I can. And at least when death comes I can say I lived . . . I tried.
Have you ever felt like this?
Do you believe in Telling Dreams?
P.S. If you need a good laugh after reading this post, please go check out these hilarious sayings: Janie Junebug's Tease