Saturday, January 12, 2013

She said I shouldn't have pulled the plug

Sorry for the delay with my posts. The weather has been wild over here.  We lost internet connection completely yesterday.  (I still had the hotspot on my phone, but it's hard blogging that way.) 
    Here's a picture from my parents' house last night.


The following is a continuation from a previous post:

A Baby in a Laundry Basket

To Recap: I'd been traumatized, by a teenage mother who wouldn't look at her baby, by a grandma who was more concerned with baking than holding her own great-grandchild.  I couldn't get over the baby in the laundry basket, or my friend who turned into her own druggie mother. 

  After I asked about an open adoption, my friend's single line said so much: "I refuse to be like my mom.  She stayed in my life and look what I've turned into."

As I read between the lines, I realized this story applies to so many lives. 

At some point, we've each felt like the teenage mother did. 

Let me explain . . .

    Last week I got another critical email from someone who read The Golden Sky.  She disliked many choices I made. . . .

. . . I pulled my infant son off of life support.  No one really knows how hard it was, except Cade.  People can read my story and feel like they know what should have been done.  But I was the nineteen-year-old who had a kid with defects.  I was the one who tried giving my son a chance instead of aborting him like so many people suggested. It was me. Not them.
    That same woman had a friend who also emailed me, wondering why I stayed with Cade after everything he did when Zeke died.  She just couldn't understand.  And what's funny is that she hadn't read the whole story about my meeting Cade and him sticking with me through Hawaii.  I think she also forgot, Cade was grieving too.
    Despite everything, those emails tore through me.  
    It's hard releasing a journal for the public to read.  It exposed everything though, all those choices I made, some bad and good. I did the best I could with what I had.  That doesn't make the criticism less painful though.
    As I sipped some coffee and stared out the snowy window, I remembered the teenage mother's story.  She'd been fifteen, had a baby, been lost and felt alone.  Yet she'd put the baby up for a closed adoption.  The community judged her harshly and so did I.  We couldn't understand how someone could make such poor choices after her own mother died of an overdose.
    As I remembered though, tears filled my eyes.  She had been so brave.  And despite everyone's judgmental opinions, she stopped the cycle of pain by doing something right.
    I remembered her face when I said, "Maybe I should see the baby.  Did you have a boy or a girl?"
    "Don't know.  Don't care," she said.
    "What?  You don't know?"  I couldn't imagine her not caring, but maybe that's because she did care.
  Looking back, I know she gave up the baby, realizing if she got attached, things could go terribly wrong
    I don't know how she's doing or where she is.  Deep down I'm worried she kept doing drugs.  I imagine her the way she was in seventh grade, beautiful and happy.  I also imagine her baby in a loving home, not knowing all the pain drugs caused for generations in their birth family.
    I read the emails again, people judging me harshly.  And all the sudden it didn't matter quite so much what anyone thought.  All of us have felt like others don't understand our actions; in that respect my friend and I are not alone.  
    I knew what I needed to do, and I did what was right.  That's all there is to it.

For more info about the book I've been writing about, please go HERE.


  1. The older I get, the more I realize how crucial it is to no judge...we can never know what lies beyond a person's outward appearance, what motivates their decisions, or causes their actions. We can listen, learn, but never judge.

  2. You did what was right--NEVER stop believing that!!

  3. Elisa, my dear friend, live for an audience of One. He loves you so, so much!

  4. This seriously just makes me want to cry. Until we're walking in their shoes, no one has any right to judge.

  5. Never truly know what is going through most others heads, best we can do is just do what we think is right and you surely did.

  6. Rick Gualtieri wrote a post about publishing recently. He said that when people criticize you, you should never respond to it, no matter how tempting it is to defend yourself. You don't have to defend yourself to anyone. Those people who criticize you don't understand my girl at all.


  7. Well as you know I have read The Golden Sky and loved it and thought you were strong and brave many parts had me in tears but I was so glad that you and Cade were able to move forward together and the fact that you are still together shows it was the right decision.

    Now one should judge because you really don't know what you would do unless you have been through it, and you are right your friend may have disconnected from her baby because it was the easiest thing to do at the matte how strange it may seem to those of us who have not been there. Same can be said for the grandmother.

  8. It always surprise me how much people think they know what's best for you more than you do, that's b.s. I'm dealing with that now and losing friends along the way. Janie's right, you don't have to defend yourself to anyone, tell them all to go suck an egg...

  9. I think it's easy to forget how tremendous a gift adoption really is. I hope that little girl turned out ok. And I think you're about how sometimes you look like you don't care because you do. It's probably a natural way of coping with that big of a decision.

  10. I felt you helped me understand more about my "adopted sister's" struggle with her son and his defects that happened before we became "sisters". So, maybe telling her story will help someone, also.

  11. Wisdom comes to us at different times. That 15 yr. old showed more wisdom than can be imagined. Judgment is not for us to make; it is the hands of God.

    Bless you, Elisa. Your writing reached to the broken-hearted and to all who need to hear how God has used you.

  12. I have yet to read this book, but now I definitely want to!! I have put it in my wish list and will buy it asap! People often criticize others for their decisions. The problem is, they never understand that each choice a person makes is a very personal one. I am very pro-life and work in a crisis pregnancy letter. Am I one of those "judgmental crazies" that people picture in my field?? NO WAY!! I do not believe in judging a person for a desperate decision. I believe in being there for them if they ever need to talk. As far as adoption, I believe it is one of the hardest, yet very loving decision to make. I live in Kentucky, where open adoption is legal. I honestly am not sure how "open" an adoption I could have. It is a personal comfort level for each individual.
    You just remember, no one can truly judge you but God. They may make terrible comments, but you keep believing in yourself and try not to listen to others! I can't wait to read this book! When I do, I'll let you know where to find the review!