Friday, February 24, 2012

KLUTZ: Fishducky Friday

KLUTZ:  NOUN (YIDDISH)  A CLUMSY, DIM-WITTED PERSON. SEE “FISHDUCKY”



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    OK, so I’ve fallen.  Once.  Maybe twice.  Fine, so it’s closer to a gazillion times!  It’s not as if it was ever MY fault.  I didn’t expect the curb to move as I was stepping onto it.  So what if I broke my arm?  The paramedics were fast getting there--& they were really cute!  (Note: If the paramedics offer to take you to the hospital, go with them!  My husband was with me & told them he could drive me there—so he did--& we got a bill from the city for paramedic services.  We found out later that if they drive you, there’s no charge.)
    And I certainly never expected the folding stool I was climbing on to do just that—FOLD!  Not while I was on it, anyway.  I can’t remember what I sprained or broke then, but I’m sure it was something unimportant, like an ankle.  Or my neck.
    I was standing on a molded plastic kitchen chair to reach for something on a high shelf.  It broke & I fell—not off, but THROUGH it!  Nothing broken, but I did have some rather large holes in my leg from the sharp shards.
    The (first) time I broke a toe we were at Bud’s sister’s house on a Sunday evening.  I didn’t want to go & wait for hours at the ER or bother my doctor on a weekend, so I asked my brother-in-law, who was a veterinarian, to bandage it for me.  I went to see my doctor the next day & he said, “Who the hell bandaged your foot?  It looks like a hoof!”  I said, “Funny you should mention that.  My veterinarian did it.”
    Another toe tale: I had had arthroscopic surgery on my knee.  The next morning I was awakened by the doorbell.  Bud had gone to work & my son was asleep, so I grabbed my crutches (which I was NOT used to) & “ran” for the door.  I didn’t make it.  I fell in the hall.  While trying to protect my knee, I broke a toe.  It had been the UPS man at the door.  He had left me a package—a cane, beautifully hand decorated with lace, which a friend had sent me as a get well gift.  If she hadn’t have sent it, I probably wouldn’t have needed it!
    It’s apparently not just me.  I can be a threat to others, too.  My son, Blake, was about 8 years old.  The kids were in their pajamas at the kitchen table.  I had left my cigarettes & lighter on the table.  Blake started playing with my lighter, which both scared & annoyed me.  We started arguing & he stood there with his arms straight out, as if he were ready for crucifixion.  He was wearing an old terry cloth robe, with its strings hanging down.  I was making a point about the lighter being dangerous & was stupidly waving it (lit) under his arms.  I swear it was AT LEAST a foot away, when the threads hanging under his arms caught fire!  We were able to get the robe off & the fire put out with absolutely no harm to him or anyone else—but I guess I made my point!
    Blake brought most of his problems on himself.  (Note: HE IS NOW ABSOLUTELY PERFECT & JUST FIXED MY COMPUTER SO I AM ABLE TO WRITE THIS.  THANK YOU, BLAKE!!)  When he was about 2, the kids were having lunch & I was at the sink, with my back to them.  He knocked over his glass & spilled his milk.  I wiped it up & poured him some more.  He knocked over his glass again, & again I wiped it up & poured him more.  I warned him not to do it again or he would be sorry.  I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he DELIBERATELY knocked it over one more time.  I picked up the gallon milk bottle (which had probably a quart or so left in it) & emptied it on his head!  Childish, I know, but it made a beautiful waterfall—or, I guess, a milkfall.  He didn’t even cry—he just sat there with his little mouth hanging open in amazement as the milk cascaded from his head.  As far as I know, none of our kids ever deliberately knocked over their milk again.  Not while I was in the room, anyway.

Moral: Beware of fishducky

36 comments:

  1. With the number of falls that you mentioned you had, for me at least getting old does not seem scary any more.
    You must have been a fun Mom. Milk fall must have been pretty to look at. I don't think any one has to beware of some one as fun as you:)

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    1. Falling isn't so bad, as long as you can get upright again--even if you do need some help!

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  2. “Who the hell bandaged your foot? It looks like a hoof!” That made me laugh out loud!! Oh, and the milk - I love that! Sometimes the unexpected is just the thing.

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    1. Blake certainly didn't expect it. Actually, neither did I.

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  3. How does the hospital justify charging someone if they refuse service lol?? I once fell off a chair while standing on it...actually I fell through the chair because it apparently couldn't handle my fatarse, but I neglected to go to the hospital. Bad idea...butterfly bandages don't work when you really need 10 staples lol. Loved the story :) Happy Friday!

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    1. The charge was for the paramedic service.

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  4. Lol! Not really, but couldn't help at the image of your almost setting your son on fire. Now I don't feel so bad that occasionally my boys get under foot and I step on them.

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    1. Would you believe he has the nerve to keep reminding me of this ONE time? It's not as if I did it over & over!

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  5. I knew we where kindred spirits.. I'm constantly doing odd things like this. Remember the car window and the lemon slicer.. Oh yes we are alike you and I.. lol

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    1. I don't know if I ever heard about the lemon slicer, but I'll NEVER forget the car window story!

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  6. LOL now that's how your stop everyone from spilling their milk

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  7. Obviously we're twins that were separated at birth. How many people do you know that have actually by accident stabbed themselves in the back with an Exacto?

    We should get together sometime and compare scars like Richard Dreyfuss and Robert Shaw did in Jaws.

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    1. Is that like "you show me yours & I'll show you mine"?

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  8. I won't go anywhere near Fishducky. Ever. I am so glad I live on the other side of the globe.
    Or maybe not. At least I'd get to laugh a lot.

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    1. But I was counting on you to drive me to the hospital next time!

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  9. I promise not to spill my milk again, Mom.

    Love,
    Janie

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  10. Dear Fishducky,
    It sounds as if you are a creaking bag of bones!!!!!! But what I suspect is that your good-nature heals all those bones and keeps you young at heart and warm in spirit. I wonder if Blake has children and if they ever tried his trick on him? Wonder how he handled it! I think that you and Melynda need to develop a stand-up comedy routine!

    Peace.

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  11. I AM young at heart & warm in spirit--but DECREPIT in body.

    Blake has no kids.

    A sit-down comedy routine would be MUCH safer!!

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  12. Oh Fishducky! I LOVE you and your stories! :)

    This made me laugh out loud: "Childish, I know, but it made a beautiful waterfall."

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    1. Love you right back! And I had a mental image of milk flowing over Niagara Falls....

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  13. Oh goodness. I did know a couple ladies in college who were klutzes, but I'm not sure their injuries were broken bones and sprains. I've always been careful and cautious and have avoided injury. Except last May: all I was doing was walking down the stairs to put a box of mass mailings at the mail pick-up area. My foot hit the last step and turned or something, I lunged forward, and my ankle was sprained. Nearly 10 years of Irish dancing and how do I sprain my ankle? Walking down a flight of stairs. Oy!

    Dang, sounds like it was never boring living with you :)

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  14. So you were being serious when you said that duck tape was holding you together all these years? :)

    Good to know. I picture you as the tie dye duck tape kind of girl.

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    1. Psychedelic duck tape!
      Or is that psychotic?
      (I know it's psych-something.)

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  15. Broke a toe running on crutches to get to a cane. You can't make stuff like this up, folks!

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    1. None of the stuff I write about is made up. It's all true, unfortunately!

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  16. "We found out later that if they drive you, there’s no charge." - Thanks for the info...I didn't know that.

    Been there done that. I stepped up on a plastic chair that had been in the sun too long and my leg broke through. The problem was not that I fell through, but that the chair seat was broken in a chard pattern and to get my leg out I was going to have to pull it out (against the chards)…woops…I am stopping there as I just discovered something else to write about on my blog.

    “It looks like a hoof”….too funny

    YOU BURNED UP YOUR SON’S ROBE? Unbelievable

    Milkfall……

    Fishducky…You are one in a million……. ARE WE RELATED?

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    1. Keeping some paramedic information just in case....?

      I did NOT burn his whole robe--just some hanging threads. You--& he--make it sound like a big deal.

      Related? Now THERE'S a frightening thought!

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  18. LOL! I am always banging my toes and chins. I fell down the stairs carrying two laundry baskets and tore 3 out of 4 ligaments in my ankle once. I have had several head bangings, hurt my hands many times, and fell on my back on cement steps. Are you sure we're not related? ;)

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    1. I'm beginning to think I MIGHT have some distant cousins out there. Do you have feathers, too?

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