Wednesday, January 11, 2012

I Got a LOVE Letter!!!

    In some ways I'm a humanist.  I don't judge people based on religion, political affiliation or sexual preference.  I will however cringe if someone acts like a snob. 
    I LOVE God.  
    I think everyone has the potential to be a good, valiant, amazing person if they just try because yes, sometimes doing the right thing can take some effort.  With that being said, the following experience is HILARIOUS and I don't mean for it to be offensive in any way.  Neither, do I want to get bashed because I don't judge people for anything other than their actions which hurt others.


    Do you remember this post?

The PS Princess

    Basically, I met a snooty woman (in overly-tight jeans) who thought I was a lesbian--because I wore a hoodie!  It was strange honestly, but I'm still laughing about it because this week, someone took that post to a whole new level.
    I have THE BEST followers in the world.  In real life, people always take me wrong--constantly.  But here, you 'get me' and this just proves it.
    I had a nice cup of coffee.  My inbox poured over with so many messages from twitter, I knew I wouldn't be able to read all of them.  That's when I spotted something strange; the subject of the message read "To My Precious Pigeon."
    I opened it right away because if you know anything it's that pigeon messages are worth something.
    That's when I realized it was a love letter--a full-blown, knock your socks off, love letter--to me!

    My dearest, darling, sexy Elisa,

    The letter began and I nearly spewed coffee everywhere.  I still giggle thinking about Sex Ed..  I couldn't believe someone sent me a letter and THEY USED THE "S" WORD!  I took a moment to compose myself, then I read on.

    I've been reading your blog, always have . . . always will.
    You don't know me, but our love reminds me of two pigeons.  One can walk by the other, helping each other along.
    I saw two pigeons the other day, and shockingly I thought of you.  It's wonderfully poetic seeing birds that strut.

   The email went on and on, getting so silly that I fell into such a fit of laughter, tears streamed down my face.  

    I will always feel passion toward you, and your crazy heart which beats to the bird-like beat of mine.

                             Yours forever,

    I paused then.  Cindy?  CINDY!  
    Sure, the whole thing was a joke.  I mean hell, the sender's address was something about "pigeon love."  But Cindy--a woman?  I finally get a love letter--after months of feeling over the hill--HINT HINT Cade--write me a poem today--and it was from a woman?!  Does everyone think I'm a lesbian?  
    Unfortunately, I'd taken a sip of coffee and it nearly went down the wrong pipe because I started hooting at the computer as I read the ending.
    P.S. I so enjoyed your post about the PSer.

    So, they mentioned the lesbian post--a ha!  I responded with some ridiculous thing.

    Pigeons are such lovely birds.  Thank you for this ingenious letter.  I hope love will find you elsewhere because I'm married . . . and . . . I don't swing that way.
     I didn't get a reply.  And later I talked to a friend.  
    "Let me get this straight."  She started snorting.  "Straight, get it?"
    "Ha ha.  I got it."
    "Someone reported your blog as offensive, but you saw the good in that.  Now you got some stalker-crazy love letter . . . and you think it's a sign that someone likes your blog and is teasing you?"
    "Well, yeah."
    "When you read me the letter, it sounded pretty real to me."
    "Pigeons?" I scoffed.  "No one writes real letters about pigeon love.  Plus, I DO NOT look like I prefer women--seriously."
    "Well, you did swear on something and spit the other day.  That could be misconstrued as being a brute.  People might think you're masculine.  And you ALWAYS wear that hoodie."
    "Back up!  What is wrong with hoodies?  Since when does that signify anything?"
    "Since it has a rainbow on it."
    "It's a Lucky Charms hoodie!  So I like cereal logos, big deal."  I rolled my eyes.  "Anyway.  This was a joke.  I just know it."
    "No you don't.  But even if it was, who would do something like that?"
    "One of my witty followers," I said.  "Haven't you read their comments?  Most of the time they're funnier than the blog post."
    "Maybe," she said.  "What about your brother?"
    "Yeah, but he wouldn't do this.  He's more into robots and fake bombs.  When he pranks me, it's the art of an engineer."

    Her feedback did not help me, though.  This started out as a joke--I KNOW IT--but now I'm second-guessing myself.  The whole thing brought back memories from high school.  I had a huge crush on a guy.  He was handsome and smart.  One day after school we talked next to a piano in the choir room.  I leaned against it, trying to stand so my waist looked smaller and my legs looked longer.  (It's embarrassing, but I even pushed my chest out.)
    He got really close at one point, then shook his head and stepped away.  "You're great, Elisa," he said.  "You could even turn a gay guy straight."
    He left after that, and the next year, I found out he was gay.  I'd pushed my chest out--FOR NOTHING.
    His words always stuck with me, though.  Maybe he thought I was masculine.  Maybe even he thought I liked pigeons.

    Regardless, I got a love letter--which feels awesome even if it was a joke.  Thanks to whoever wrote it.  I haven't smiled that big since Tebow proved everyone wrong.

    In closing, have you ever heard a strange pick-up line, or received a strange love letter?
    Signing off,