Saturday, January 14, 2012

Grandma Gertie AND the Adult Streaker

   Yesterday, Fishducky asked an awesome question.  Here's what she said as well as my reply:

fishduckyJan 13, 2012 03:09 PM
So far it looks like The Scribe wants to become an artist, The Hippie wants to fly, & Dr. Jones is looking towards a career as a concert pianist. What do you see for The Zombie Elf in his future? I expect great things from all your kids!

Elisabeth HirschJan 13, 2012 03:21 PM 
      Maybe a nudist ROFLMAO! 

     (Although he told me he wants to make robots like Uncle Shane.)

    But the nudist thing--this whole topic reminded me of a hilarious story Grandma Gertie told me.
    If you know anything about Gertie, it's that she's one tough lady.  She helped me protect a house--with a billy club.  She helped me crash a wedding.  The woman is golden!
    Here are those stories if you're interested.  

Grandma Gertie and the Break-in Patrol

    She's the same woman who needed a boot for her Plantar's Faciitis (which causes pain in her heel).  But boots are $85.00!
    This is what she sent me when she discovered an alternative.

    I looked over at my garbage can and light went on in my head.  Even blind squirrels find a nut once in a while.  So I put my foot into the garbage can and it was just the right size. Felt like Cinderella.
    So for a $2.00 garbage can, pieces with Velcro from a another walking boot when I had my foot operated on, and about 50 cents in Gorilla tape, I now have a night boot for Plantar's Faciitis. 

   Look at what my Gertie made!  Isn't she awesome!


    I just had to show you how neat she is--and ingenious.  
    Sorry for getting off track.  The real point of this post is to share a story Gertie wrote.  You NEED to read this because (my friends) you're in for a real treat!
Window Dressing
By: Grandma Gertie

    Growing up, we lived a mile and a half out of town. Neighbors were at least a quarter of a mile away from each other. We never locked our doors, night or day.
    The house's roof was shaped like a barn and the front porch had a rock wall that went around it and down the steps. The wall was about 3 ft high and wide enough to sit on. The heavy front door was made of wooden planks that would have withstood a battering ram. In the front door was a 12 inch  round window that we could see out of, but people could also see in.
    In front of the property to the right of the house was a rock building with a round window front of it that was floor to ceiling. It was called the "store building" because Mom and Dad had sold groceries from it at one time. Now it was just being used for storage.
    Along side the store building was a big hole in the ground. Dad had started digging the enormous hole for a  bomb shelter because everyone at the time thought the Russian's were coming.
    In back of the house was the adobe that Dad had built from clay, mud, and straw. It had four little rooms, and many a weary traveler that had broken down in front of our house had stayed there. It was warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Dad had decided to go to the adobe to sleep because it was too hot and noisy to sleep in the house.
    This particular summer night it was hotter than two rabbits making babies in a sock, so I put on some short cut off jeans to keep cool. I had come home from college for the summer.
    Three of my sisters and I wanted to stay up late and watch the movie "Mr. Hobbs Takes a Vacation." Mom was in the dining room sewing. She was always up late at night sewing something, ripping it out, and sewing it again. Never figured out why.
    I was sitting in the old rocking chair looking at the TV in the corner. The large living room window was across from me with the drapes drawn. There was a gap between the two curtains in the middle. All of a sudden I saw something flash by the window like it had fallen off the roof.
    I got up from my chair, walked to the front door and slid the lock closed, then I walked to the back door in the kitchen and locked it, too. I returned to the living room. As I sat down, there was a knock at the front door.
    What I had seen out of the gap in the curtains that I thought had fallen from the roof was someone standing on the rock wall trying to look into the living room. He had lost his balance and fell off the wall onto the grass. I looked out the little round window in the door and there to behold was a guy staring back at me. I screamed and he jumped back.
    I couldn't believe my eyes, there he was in all his glory, t-shirt rolled up to his neck and nothing on him but the t-shirt and tennis shoes, a pair of red Keds (women notice clothing; you know, what were you wearing during your first kiss). He didn't even have socks on.
    He said, "Let me in!" I knew how the three little pigs felt when the wolf came to the door. I screamed and kept screaming as I ran to the phone and called my brother-in law and older sister who were living in a trailer in the back yard. My brother-in-law thought it was a prank call and hug up on me.
    So I called the police. I was screaming when I talked to them and they couldn't figure out the address. Finally my sister Susan said, "Get a hold of yourself, or I am going to slap you into the middle of next week!" Then, she slapped me! It calmed me down enough to tell them where we lived.
    Mom walked calmly over to the front door and with her hand raised into a fist, she yelled,"You get out of here!" The nut job took off like a jack rabbit in heat.
    The police finally figured out where we lived and they sent two police cars with sirens blaring. When I heard them, I was sure it was safe to run to the adobe to get Dad. As I reached the door, I was screaming, "Dad, Dad, there's a naked guy loose."
    Before Dad could answer the door there were all kinds of flash lights on me. The police thought I was the guy because I was bare foot in a t-shirt with men's cut off jeans and really short hair.
When they realized that I wasn't the guy they started looking around the place.
    One of the policemen who was heavier than a dead preacher, fell into the bomb shelter hole. It took my Dad and two other policemen to pull him out with a rope. He lost his hat and had to come back for it the next day.
    That same policeman was always hitting something with his car. He had even hit a school bus. I don't know what made us think he could find a guy that was naked as a Jaybird.
    I went back to school that Fall and they still hadn't found the guy. Dad sent me an article from the paper about some of the hoity toity women of the community that were leaving one of the ladies homes from bridge club one night. The same guy in the t-shirt and Keds jumped out from behind the bushes, like a spring out of an old mattress, grabbed one of the ladies, reached up under her dress and pulled off her girdle. He ran off with it. The cops found a hypodermic needle in the bushes. They didn't know if it was his or not.
    Later that winter, the nut job was down by the dump and he knocked on the door of the trailer of the care taker of the dump. the nut job was cold, with only the t-shirt and Keds on. He told the guy he wanted to come in from the cold. The caretaker said, "Come on in and sit down." The caretaker gave the guy a sandwich, and the nut job tried to make a beeline for the door. When he did, the caretaker said," Now buddy, you see that big dog there? If you move I am going to tell him to make a woman out of you."
    He wasn't about to move. He was arrested, come to find out he was an escapee from a mental institution in Canada. He was married and had six kids.

    Thanks for letting me share Gertie with you.  I swear, life is good.  I'm surrounded by so many awesome, entertaining, brilliant people!  

    P. S. After 1/25, I'll have blogged every day for 365 days straight. I'd love it if you could vote and tell me what blog schedule you think I should stick to for the rest of 2012.