Sunday, December 23, 2012

I had boobs for a day!


One of my best friends called. She said, “My fourth-grader is wearing a bra now.”

    I pulled the phone away from my head and looked at it for a sec. “What?”

    “A bra.”

    Well, didn't that beat all.

    “But I didn't want to buy her one of those sex bras from Victoria Secret. So we went and got her a regular one at the kids' store in the mall.”

    That was as funny as Hell, how she called it a sex bra. “That's just insane," I said. "My kid's in third grade and she still looks like a baby.”

    “Well, just get ready for it. A girl in my daughter's class already started her period.”

    After I gathered the shock from my voice, I asked, “So, she's wearing a training bra. Looks like Santa came five years early . . . this year. He must a brought her her two front boobs and her teeth.”
    “Except it's not a training bra. She's in a size 32A.”

    My mouth jarred open. What the hell! That's the size I wear. I guess it's 'cause I'm so skinny. I don't look like I just escaped from a religious cult or anything, but still . . . “Flip, she's the same size as me. I'm no better than a board with water rings and that just proves it!”

    My friend paused, not knowing what to say.
“Oh, honey. She doesn't look nearly as big as you do.” As if she's even checked out my boobs. So basically this kid has mosquito boobs like I do, but I shouldn't be sad because I look bigger—that's fantastic. I wonder what God was thinking when He made me. Maybe He thought, “Hey, I'll give this one an indentation. At least she'll have something in common with Goldie Hawn, and that can't be all bad.”
    I thought about all of this when a delivery man knocked on the front door. They were these big resounding knocks. Boom. Boom. Boom. Everything shook in the house except my boobs.

    "Is there an Elisa here?" he asked when I opened the door.
    "That's me," I said a bit stunned.  He handed me a huge box from Canada and I kinda felt like I'd finally made it in life.  After all, getting mail from Canada is epic.
    I took the box to the front room and looked at the return address.  Pat Hatt!  No way--that guy's part-genius, part Seuss!  You can see what I mean HERE.  What could he have sent me?
    I gingerly opened the box, not wanting to ruin anything that's been in Canada! Then I pulled out a package that read Miracle Product! Instant Breasts WITHOUT THE PAIN.  
    So Pat Hatt is a genius AND a saint.  I opened the package, thinking it was Miracle Grow.  Maybe I'd stuff it down my bra and become Aphrodite. But when I saw the actual product, I laughed out loud.  Mr. Patt had bought me a . . . Dun Dun Dun . . . blow up bra!
    He's hilarious and it was a pretty funny joke.  I bet they weren't really meant to use.  But I'm a curious sort of gal and I had to put the suckers on.  
    Can you believe it actually looked good?  They did, really!
    So, I was the Little Mermaid, finally getting legs instead of a tail.  Err . . . I mean, boobs instead of desert plains.  
    I wore my blow up bra all day--since magic does exist.  And can I tell you that after all these years of dreaming and scheming, hoping and wishing . . .
    I HATED having boobs! 
    #1 I could find all of the dirt bags in a mile radius, because they kept staring at my boobs.  (This made me giggle since I was just made of hot air!  Take that, creeps!)

    #2 Boobs are cumbersome.  I tried playing my violin and the boobs got in the way.   

    #3 I am a sporty chick. I like being able to jump and play, fit into tight spacesFor instance, that day an idiot parked an inch from my van.  I almost popped a boob.    

    That was the bra's only flaw--fear of poppingOh and denting!  Cade hugged me and one side indented.  Can you see it in the picture below?  I tried pushing in the other side, but then it was dented and the other wasn't.  
Yep, the cycle of death.

Anyway, this whole thing got me thinking about the crazy,
       ridiculous expectations we put on ourselves.
Don't believe me? Look at this poor kid!
So back to the story, after having boobs for a day, I'm not impressed.
God made me who I am for a reason.  I'm not the cookie-cutter mold.  And maybe that's actually something to be proud of.
  And this doesn't go just for me.  We should ALL be thankful for who we are.

Life is short, why spend it wishing we could be different when the fact is, we're lucky to be alive.

So today I took a silly stand--which is really a big step for me.
This is me.  No makeup, not even a padded bra (shocker).  


I'm glad I got that blow up bra--thanks, Pat.  You made me realize, 
I know I have my flaws--we all do . . .
but I'm too hard on myself, and maybe (just maybe) I'm okay the way I am.

BUT I still have the blow up bra and if I regress, I can always put it on and remember why I hated having boobs for a day!

Signing off,


  1. Snort!!! You cracked me up. This is the first time I've visited your blog and I am totally bookmarking it now.

  2. Hehehe ... too funny ... I've never heard of a blow-up Bra and am wondering, can you use it for something else, like twisting it into funny animal shapes to entertain the kids?

    Compliments of the Season Elisa and may next year be highly successful ...

  3. Now you know what I put up with 24/7. My dogs got very upset over the noise from that video.


  4. Hah! I am reminded of a quote from an old Star Trek episode, "You may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting".

    On the flip side, how many of us get a chance to actually see if the grass truly is greener? So awesomeness to that and to Pat.

  5. I just wish people realize what a problem it can be to have too big of a size.

  6. You made my say Elisa. This is a laugh out loud article - except for the two kids at the beginning who are growing up much too fast.

    If you have a teen who is un-endowed, do let her read this page. I is a wonderful reality check.

    Books for Kids + My FREE Book Catalog

  7. Are you wearing a crown in that picture--or a halo? There's SOMETHING on your head & I hope it's not a spider web!!

  8. LMAO well way more came from it than I thought hahaha glad I could help!

  9. LOL! Remember water bras? I used to have one, but it never did fit right. And it had seams that showed. I like smooth t-shirt bras. I've had those silicon inserts before too. Those didn't work out very well either. I could probably fit into a training bra just fine. I'm the same size as you. The only time it really bothers me is when I wear bathing suits. Because if you wear the padded ones, they hold the water and drip forever! Stopping by to wish you a Merry Christmas. :)
    Michelle from HBHL

  10. You're too funny, I've heard of blow-up bras before but I'm waiting for that medical procedure from Europe, where they suck the fat from your butt and inject it in your boobs, that's my ticket to boobdom...Btw, you're so pretty you don't need boobs. :)

  11. You're all so sweet. I'm blessed to know each of you :)

  12. Pat is so funny! I went through a metal detector at a courthouse a few days ago wearing a wire one with extra support and the cop kept feeling me up to make sure I wasn't wearing a bomb...yeah right.

    Great post!

  13. Welcome to the itty bitty titty club. I'm the president.

  14. Oh man, that Pat has reached new levels of respect in my book. I can't wait to hear what revenge you'll pay on the smarty Canadian feline lover.

    Anyway, Merry belated Christmas and Happy New Year to you and your family, Elisa.

  15. OMG, Pat seriously sent you a blow up bra? That's hilarious! What a guy!

    Hey, I'm almost done reading your book, Homeless in Hawaii. I love it! I would love to hear you play the violin. I'm a violinist, too! Do you still do gigs? You must be so talented!

  16. Elise: I think you're gorgeous with or without the inflatable bra, and funny too! And you provide an important lesson, to love your self for who and what you are (and not what you could be). Best wishes to you, and keep on writing!


  17. And at the end of the day you're still flippin I think a billion moms would give their yoga pant collections to look like you. Hope all's well. Checking in with all my friends now that I'm getting back to some sort of schedule. And I also noticed you hit 20,000 on Twitter???? I bow to you, woman.

  18. "Everything shook in the house except my boobs"- Funniest line! You are a trip. My sister had to wear a bra in the 4th grade and she was a size D by high school...with a small waist...she finally had them reduced to C's a few years ago...the backaches alone were horrific.
    Rudolph and I broke up and I'm pretty down right now. It'll pass, I'm a pro at this by now, but it doesn't feel so great at the moment. :(
    On a good note, I'm writing more.

    A belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

  19. It's always something isn't it kiddo. I always wanted straight hair, when my friends were getting perms. I always wanted TB, tiny boobs, instead I entered the world a c cup, which looked strange when I was in diapers. Thank God eventually I grew into them and over them.
    Have a great New Year's my wise friend.

  20. Excellent blog. Of course you are perfect just as you are! Happy New Year :-)

  21. hahahahahaha! you're a card Elisa! my boobs aren't even that big and they annoy the hell out of me! :)