Tuesday, June 11, 2013

How NOT to get out of speeding tickets.

I suck at talking my way out of tickets.  And I get them for the DUMBEST reasons! Once a cop "clocked me with his eyes." I even got a ticket when I was in labor--no kidding.  (TMI Alert!) I'm positive I dilated that day while pleading with the cop, telling him I needed to get home and take my Terbutaline.
    Maybe this is payback for a past life of crime?  Was I a villain, someone terrible like Robin Hood's King John?
    Or am I simply paying for all those days speeding as a teenager?
    And not only do I get them for dumb reasons, the ONLY time I got out of a ticket was when I really deserved one! I was 17, driving at 2am without my lights on!  Yep, got out of that one, and yet years later I can't even avoid one when I'm in labor--going 9 MPH over?!
    Maybe the problem is that I hide my emotions too well.  I'm always laughing, always smiling, mostly because I'm happy or nervous.  I must be either happy or nervous all the time . . . Maybe I wasn't King John, maybe I was a Labrador Retriever? 
    I laugh and smile.  Once a cop even said I was so nice it was the easiest ticket he ever gave.  Gee . . . THANKS.
    Regardless, I had to tell you all of that, so you'd understand the desperation I felt today.  The road stretched far ahead.  My babies cried begging for this and that while Radio Disney blared in an effort to appease them. I rolled down the window, hoping the wind would drown out all other sounds--but it didn't.  So, did I have a chance to notice the speed changing from 45 to 35?  Did I also have the chance to see a cop parked, sneakily facing me two feet from the "35 MPH Sign"?  No!
     As he turned on his lights, preparing to flip around and follow me, I nearly swallowed all the spit in my mouth. 
    "There's a cop!" I slammed on the breaks and turned into a tiny side street. 
    My children screamed, glancing back at flashing lights, "Shark! Shark!"
    They had that right.  The man had been waiting for a little at-home mom, just looking for his prey.  "Mother Knows Best" still boomed from the radio, and I thought, mother doesn't ALWAYS know best, but she sure does have terrible luck with tickets.
    We made a quick U-Turn on the tiny street, then parked and turned off the van.
     "Be quiet! He might hear us! And I don't have money to pay for another ticket!" I said to my three and five-year-old.  In hindsight, that was a STUPID thing to say. The whole thing wasn't very smart. We were in broad daylight, still inside of the van.  My heart beat fast, thumping like my washer earlier this morning.  Plus, what if the cop turned around and saw us?  What would he say?  What would I say?  "Ummm, Sir.  I'm an idiot.  And I'm normally really great at being responsible, just not today?"  Then I'd hold out my wrists for him to arrest me, because I can be freakin' accommodating--that's what! And I'd try forgetting all the terrible things I've done; like that time I farted and blamed it on the kid next to me.
    But tickets will do that to ya.  Hell, I heard about girls in high school who flashed cops, or said they were on the rag, just to avoid paying a speeding fine.  Sometimes the thought of getting a ticket can actually cause more crimes!
    Several cars lurched past. My kids stayed quiet, exchanging conspiratorial looks as we watched the main street from our vantage point.  Had the cop managed to turn around in this traffic?
    Birds sang outside--not even caring that I might go to jail.  Someone smiled while checking their mail--the ignorant optimist!
    A second later a cop car, with his siren blaring and lights flashing, zoomed past.
    My boy jumped from his seat, swung his fist in the air and began hooting, "Ya lost him! Ya lost him! Good job, Mom!"  He hugged me round the neck, and looked at me as if I were a giant scoop of ice cream.  "Now you won't lose all your money."
    I cleared my throat.  It's truly amazing what five-year-olds pick up on.  "Cops are wonderful," I stated in a clear voice--now that we were out of danger. "Don't always do what Mommy does.  And we are fine with money.  I'm just tired of making donations to this city."  Then I quickly turned left onto the road and drove in the opposite direction of the cop.  I thanked my lucky stars.  But I still hope this is one of those childhood memories the kids will soon forget.

    So, I feel bad.  And I won't be screwing my license plate on upside down like one person I know.  But honestly, I'm not perfect. I hope no one will respond to this saying "Slow Down. 9 over is 9 too many!" Or. "How terrible you evaded a cop."  The point is that I'm tired of getting in trouble when I'm trying to do my best--with God, my family, my business, my friends--without these other things happening that could make me have a break down.  At least I didn't get a ticket for my lawn being too long, like my poor neighbor did.  THAT was ridiculous.
    Oh well.  This world isn't all gumdrops and raisins (or however that saying goes) and that's what makes it so exciting.  Plus, at least we aren't in a Zombie apocalypse.  Can you imagine getting pulled over by a zombie cop?  That would *sing-song voice* SU-CK!

   P.S. Some of this post might not be factual.  Oh and, even though this just happened, I don't know what city it may have taken place in--if it were real.  Also, this might be about someone else--especially that part about the washer thumping.  The main character in this story might even have been a man. Named. Cade.

Signing Off,
A Completely Exhausted Elisa  (who--by the way--caught a bad bacteria and is currently on antibiotics lol.  Livin' the dream.) 

Sorry I haven't been commenting on many blogs lately.  I'm going to try harder. I swear. But I have been reading many on my phone (just not while driving).