Tuesday, March 26, 2013

This is just an allegory--that's the reality

I'm running up a hiking trail.  Dust swirls from the people in front of me; the dirt mingles with my sweat, then makes me cough.  But I have to keep going.  I don't know whyI just have to.
    After a while, I pass many racers my age.  They want to walk instead of run, hold hands and enjoy the scenery.  
    Time passes until only a few of us are left sprinting ahead.  We're all different ages, moving into the shady areas where a stream trickles softly to the right.  
    This is it.  The moment that makes life worth it.  
    Most people stop running then, tired and wanting to enjoy life.  But I can't understand it; they're missing the wind in their faces, the adrenaline of going faster and higher.
    I ask them to keep running, but they wave me on.
    And like an idiot, I go.  Who cares that my legs feel like jelly, and my hips ache.  I want to make people proud.  And then while standing at the top of the stupid mountain, I can be closer to God--because I made it, and He'll know how hard I tried . . . for Him. 
    So I keep going, awfully happy at this point, thinking I'm living to the fullest.
    But then the wheezing begins.  The world spins out of control and nausea overtakes me.  I can't run.  I can't even stand up without blacking out.  And I'll never make it to the top, near God and my plan for myself.  
    My knees buckle, until I'm lying in the dirt.   

Other racers move past-- 
--like I never even existed in the first place.  

    And the whole time, instead of thinking about the damn race, and how I can't run anymore, I'm worrying about my friends, my family and my God.  Won't they be disappointed, to see how badly I failed?  
    Who cares that my other dreams never came true.  Because my real dream was merely to gain their approval.

    Multitudes of people pass, and I'm left crying on the trodden trail.  That's when Cade finds me.  "You don't care about me anymore," he yells, shaking me while I'm already down.    
    "Yes, I do." 
    "You never want to spend time with me.  You're always so tired."
    "I love you.  I swear.  I'm just never good enough, that's all.  Never.  I want to try harder for you, the kids, my business, but . . ."
    "But what?" he asks.
    "I don't know."  I pause.  "I love you, Cade.  I'm just tired."
    "Elisa, you can't be everything to everyone."  Then that strong man, who just yelled before, picks me up in his arms, and selflessly carries me up the trail.
    "It's so beautiful," I whisper, hugging him with the last of my strength. "All the things I never really took the time to look at, they're just so beautiful." 
    --End of allegory--  

   So, I'm meeting with a dietician today, to find out what I can (and can't) eat.  I'll also get a meter for this hypoglycemia thing.  Hopefully I can get my blood sugar under control.  Two nights this week I went to sleep at five pm and woke up at eight the next morning.  I'm so thankful that Cade helped me, even if he doesn't completely understand what I'm going through.

    I'm sorry to vent, but this is scary.  I'm that girl running on the trail, pushing, always trying so hard.  But I'm also that girl lying in the dirt, so worried things will change forever.  And then everyone will forget me, my books and the memory I tried carrying on for others, that's when I'll be left behind.

    Do you ever feel overwhelmed? 


  1. Hoping all goes well for you. As a person with multiple medical things going on I now only too well what it feels like to be overwhelmed. My thoughts are with you and yours.

  2. I have had diabetes for about 10 years. My husband has had it for only 3 years but he is already on insulin and I still use just meds to control mine. I know how frustrating it is to do everything right and still not be able to control your body. Keep up the fight and do the best you can.

  3. I've been overwhelmed since I was born. You'll learn what to eat; you'll start feeling better; you'll know that you can never do better than your best.


  4. I often feel overwhelmed and for dealing with my higher then normal blood sugar levels sucks,if I want normal levels I can't eat much and that is something I suck at and then there is the fact that even when I don't have anything sweet the levels are still higher then they should be......diabetes sucks........

  5. Dear Elisa, yes, I often feel overwhelmed and then I say the mantra of Juliana of Norwich: "And all shall be well. And all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be exceedingly well." It always calms and focuses me. It let's me take a deep breath and relax. It's only then that I can get things into perspective.

    And Elisa, please trust that you don't have to prove yourself to people for them to love and treasure you. Simply be you and everyone will know the beauty of Oneness. Peace.

  6. All we can do is carry on though the crap, but yeah eat better and you'll be back to top form, although it could take a while.

  7. I don't know how I missed this post earlier--must be due to my SUPREME organization! You'll make it--you ALWAYS do!!

  8. I think many spend their entire lives trying to please others, only to find out that those others never cared a bit. Go easy on yourself, let your body show you what you have to do.

  9. That is a beautifully rendered allegory. Becoming overwhelmed is a specialty of mine. ;) Ironically, especially when it comes to writing. Then I start having dreams of having to go back to my old primary school and learn to write 'properly' with chldren half my age while all the people my age continue moving into the adult world with all their feasible hobbies (because obviously me writing is a hobby that leads to no feasible success or end). Ha.

    I hope the meeting with the dietician goes well and you gain some helpful (and calming) knowledge about this. All the best. :)

  10. A very wise allegory, indeed. I truly hope you get the blood sugar issue cleared up- that can't be any fun at all.

    Love your writing style~