Thursday, July 26, 2012

Manly Man, Leg Crosser or Intellectual: Part II (I told a lie)

Yes this is me . . . Elisa, and I told a lie, a fib really, but it gave me nightmares, so I swore I'd never do it again.


    "Did you read my stuff?" a sweet lady asked after four of us gathered for critique group.  The truth was I hadn't.  I wasn't her ideal audience and I had other things I'd done instead.  I know I sound mean, but having four kids leaves me with little free time.
    Instead of telling her the truth I said, "My printer is ummm . . . broken."  I looked at the sky, the playground, my other friends' faces, my kids.  "Yeah.  It's not working.  I'm real sorry."
    "That's too bad it's broken.  So you only read stuff if it's printed out, now?"
    "Yep, pretty much.  And my printer's . . . not working."
    "That's too bad."  
    Why did she keep saying it was too bad?  Didn't she believe my lie?  What's wrong with people these days?  Can't they just let a lie be?  There was a reason I'd lied and she was being rude by saying it was too bad.  "The printer majiggy won't budge."  I put my hand in the air and moved in a "cartridge won't budge motion."  Then I wanted to kick myself.  "See, it's moving like this.  Cha ching.  Except there's no ching to go with my cha.  It's goes, cha . . . cha . . . cha."  I went on and on about the stupid printer like I was a printer repair woman!  It would have sounded more legit if I'd just stopped there.  But no, I went on like a lying idiot because I suck at lying!
    That night God taught me a lesson about my big-fat tongue of doom.  I dreamed that Pinocchio chased me through the desert.  "You're a liar!  Liar, lair pants on fire.  Nose as long as a telephone wire."
    "Is not," I screamed back, but touched my nose to make sure it wasn't growing.  I ran, scared of his Disney face with those pink cheeks.  He really freaked me out even more than a horror clown.  I slipped across sandy hills until I'd left him far behind.  I smiled greedily.  He couldn't run as fast as me; he still wasn't a real boy!  And he wasn't as fast as the gingerbread man!
    Then as I cackled into the dry air I saw a tree in the desert!  It waited beautifully, and I knew I should pull it up and bring it home.


    I tugged on that tree, yanked on it with all my might.  Even though it was big, it started to come up easily.  The further it moved the more I noticed a problem.  It didn't have roots.  It had a face connected to that tree!  And it was Pinocchio's face.  I screamed.  The tree was his nose!!


    He jumped from the ground and drug his nose behind him. "You're a liar! A big fat liar."  I woke up.  That's when I swore I wouldn't lie again.  Too bad I broke my rule yesterday.
    I wrote a blog about my husband and my brother.  It's called Manly Man, Leg Crosser or Intellectual 
    I didn't want to come out and say hey, my husband refuses to sit when he pees and he won't cross his legs to save his life.  I felt it would be equally bad to write that my brother crosses his legs and sits when he pees.  So instead, I called them "Charlie" and "Nate"--quite nice names if you ask me.  Then in an effort to smooth the whole "identity change," I made them blood brothers instead of brothers by law.
    My brother (the leg crosser) who is actually my hero, read my blog.  I thought that was pretty cool.  He's really one of my favorite people in the entire world.  He used to hang out with me for hours.  Our Dad always worked away from home and my brother was there when my dad couldn't be.  He played sepa with me.  We played tether ball (which I always won even though I'm nine years younger and I'll be dreaming about Pinocchio after writing that.)  He read countless books to me, helped me with homework, jammed with me on our instruments, created silly messages on the answering machine.  The list goes on and on, so much that I can honestly write: my brother was and is one of the biggest influences in my life.  He helped make me into the woman I am.  Because of his generosity with his time and love, I was able to stand strong when I got married VERY young and then later when my son died.  My brother taught me what life is about: family and love and taking care of each other because family is what lasts.
    So that's why, when he called yesterday and wanted to know who I'd written Manly Man, Leg Crosser or Intellectual about, I had to lie.  It was a Pinocchio summoning sort of lie.  "I'm actually scared to know who this is about," he said.
    "It's about . . . Cade."
    "And who else?"
    "Ummm."  I looked around the room.  I hoped something would help me.  "It's about Cade and . . . his brother."
    "His brother?"
    "Yes.  He crosses his legs."
    "That's interesting.  It's a funny thing because I cross my legs too."
    I was in trouble.  "But so does Cade's brother."  What had I been thinking?  He'd known the truth of course--he'd been there for the entire thing.  Cade even asked him if he pees sitting!  We hung up shortly after, and I felt worse than a mouse in a mouse trap. 
    I called my mom.  "What do I do?  I lied.  I lied hard!"
    "Tell him the truth," she said.
    "I can't."
    "You can."
    So I called and told him.  I told him everything.
    "You don't need to lie to me."
    "I'm sorry . . . but you said you were scared to know who it was about.  That scared you and then it scared me."
    "Well, I'm going to leave you a comment," he said.  Then when I checked my blog late last night he had indeed left a comment.  You have to read it because it's gold, pure and sweet.

Here it is:

Anonymous said...
This story sounds vaguely familiar... Perhaps it is because I’m the author’s brother, or that I’m an engineer. Or, maybe, it’s because we had this exact conversation! And yes, her now-spouse asked me if I pee sitting. And, yes, I do on occasion. Why? I don’t know. And, no, I don’t care who knows. I would have you know I just called she-who-shall-not-be-named and asked her who this post was about, and she had the shear gall to lie! She lied to the older brother who read to her for hours on end; the older brother who pushed her for miles around the house on her tricycle. For shame. For shame. To amend the record, I would say there is a correct and an incorrect way to go into a full crossing of the legs. Of the utmost importance is to ensure the tender bits are out of the way first. Otherwise, said legs become the jaws of a nut cracker. Second, do not play with the legs, bobbing the ankle up and down or swinging the distal end about. This may indeed threaten a male’s manliness. Finally, limit the time spent in such a position. For while comfortable in the short term, it can cause a lack of circulation in certain critical areas. It brings to mind the words blue and ball , and no one wants to see that. Shame on you EC Writes for misleading the public. Shame on you.

    I'm sorry I told a lie, but this comment was well worth it.  So, I told a lie, confessed, got an awesome comment on my blog and didn't dream about Pinocchio, all in all I think everything turned out all right.


  1. "For the sake of all that is good and holy! If I hear that I pee while sitting
    one more time, I’m going to scream so loud, everyone in the virtual universe
    will hear. Grrrrr. So let’s get it out in the open, shall we? At rest stops
    along the freeway, pee while sitting, NO. Anywhere a manly-man urinal is
    available, pee while sitting, NO. At my sisters house (EC Wrties herself)… From
    now on, pee all over the toilet seat, the shower curtain, the best Sunday
    towels, the bathroom mat and down the hallway. At my own home, pee while
    sitting? Yes. Why? Growing up with a mother and two sisters, that’s why! They
    tend not to like pee on the seat. And guess what, no matter how hard any guy
    tries, pee will eventually get on the toilet seat and go unnoticed. And yes,
    this still applies even when the toilet seat is raised. Combine this with a
    Japanese, clean freak wife… and what do you get? While at home… pee… while…
    sitting. We all make concessions to keep the peace. This one seems like a small
    sacrifice to me. And just because now I feel so dirty for using ‘potty’ language
    in such a public venue that I need a shower, I’m going to revel in it a bit
    more. Pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee… PEE! Yellow, smelly, pee."

    -The Leg Crosser

    1. Leg Crosser,

      You seem like a stand up kind of guy.

    2. I wish you were my brother. No. Wait. I don't. He's dead. I want you to remain Elisa's brother and pee all over her house. Pee in the potted plants. Pee in the heating vents. Lift your leg when you pee. Write your name in pee on her carpet. Pee, man, pee.


  2. LMAO wow that is a lot of pee^^^^ makes the cat's use of poo seem tame hahaha

    Yeah you really protested too much with the printer, such a bad liar. But the wooden boy taught you a lesson it seems hahaha

  3. Sitting to pee makes reading the iPad easier...and less of a chance to drop it in the toilet. Just saying.

  4. Good leg crossing advice , Anonymous. However I shall continue in m legs uncrossed existence if it's all the same to you. And that Pinocchio dream is vividly told and feverish. I never liked the Pinocchio story. Have you read the original? It's horrible and full of death.

  5. I personally would prefer if all men peed sitting down because cleaning the toilet would be SO MUCH BETTER!!!

  6. I hear from the manly man of my household that peeing while sitting is purely because of laziness. Apparently, this is done after one has completed #2. So to recap, if you do #2, you can pee sitting 'cause you're already sitting. If you only have to go #1, then stand. And I totally agree with EC's brother, this is only to be done in one's own home. I hope we have exhausted the peeing while sitting topic, maybe Elisa can tell us something about vomiting?

  7. Hahaha - love it! Nothing like a sibling rivalry to make life more interesting.

  8. I am so ashamed of my middle child for lying. You are grounded, young lady. You have to stay at home and take care of your ten million children. Oh, yeah, you do that anyway. I'll try to think of some other punishment, like making you sit on a toilet in public. Better yet, maybe you should have to pee into a urinal and you sit in the urinal. How low, how low, can I go?

    Your Mother from Another Planet

  9. I love that your whole family has jumped on this band wagon and we all got to listen in. I guess that would make us eavesdroppers... LOL

  10. Dear Elisa, once again. I know nothing about any of this. Nothing. I truly never thought about it. You are introducing me to realms of newness! Peace.

  11. Dear Elisa, PS. I like the look of your blog! Peace.

  12. It's a family blogging affair. Very good. Wish I could get my partner to blog.

  13. I don't think my brothers or Dad cross their legs. My husband will occasionally, but hates that I and his hairdresser trim his eyebrows that could grow up into his hair if we let that happen. This trimming rubs against the grain of his manliness for some reason. I just never thought of the leg crossing until reading your interesting! And now the ball is in your brother's court I believe!;)

    1. Show him a photo of Dick Goodwin, Courtney, and he won't complain about eyebrow trimming ever again.

  14. Yup, sounds like everything worked out well. Your brother is only the second man I've come across who pees while sitting. The man I know who does this, cited the exact reason above. It keeps the peace at home. I think that's a good reason anytime.

  15. Laugh our loud!!!!! I think my husband could possibly sit to pee every now and then, especially if he's playing sudoku on his phone......don't tell him I said so! This was just too funny, especially the comments from your brother! And by the way, why did your parents name him Anonymous??? :)))

  16. This had me laughing out loud- again. I love your brother's comment! Also- glad you came clean- it usually feels better. Since I read your other post- I have asked a couple of guy friends (none of whom cross their legs) if they ever sit and pee. They all said yes (after looking at me like I was crazy). Great stories. :)

  17. Ha ha ha, would hate to see what your dreams would be like if your sins were worse than lieing to spare someones feelings. You are too sweet!

  18. Your blog is excellent. Very impressive way of writing, I am grateful to you for this great content, Thanks for sharing such valuable information...Carpet Cleaning Manly

  19. A great article and some pieces that I haven't seen before, particularly the cleaning tips which is extraordinary.

    Carpet Cleaning Toronto