Have you ever had a fried coke?

Fried coke is practically modern day manna.  I bet Samson ate it before he got Super Strength.  Esther bought some before she grew enough courage to confront the king.  David ate it before stoning a giant!  
    Well, now it's my turn.  I wait ALL YEAR LONG for the fair just so I can buy one.  They are golden, seriously.   Because it's coke AND it has texture.

See!  I told you--sweet, sweet goodness!

But this is an extra special fair because I got a booth for today and tomorrow.  I feel like an actual super star.  So if you'd like to meet the girl who will be selling fabric for $2 a yard--since she quit her sewing business to write, and has an entire basement filled with fabric--I'll be (enjoying my fried coke) at Founders Park in Syracuse, UT.  Click HERE for details.  Oh and I'll also be selling books--because being literate rocks.


    Also, if you're here for fishducky's awesomeness, she started a blog.  Go HERE to follow her and read her hilarious Friday posting.

The Scribe and Someone Like You

    The Scribe told me she'd signed up for a talent show that would take place THE NEXT DAY.  She talked like it was no big deal.  "I need to sing a song about break-ups.  SO, you need to learn a song on the piano.  I'll sing while you play.  It'll be great and easy."
    For who!  "But the talent show's tomorrow."
    "I know.  I just told you that."
    "And you want me to learn a new song . . . in less than a day?"
    "Well, yeah.  You're a mother aren't you?"
    Like mothers have powers . . . laser vision and boobs of steel.  I'm not a freakin' super hero, but still, I learned Adele's "Someone Like You"--that's what love can do for ya. And by some twist of fate we perfected it enough that I could accompany the Scribe at her talent show.  
    Now the thing about the Scribe is that until Monday, I didn't know she moonlights as a heart-breaker.  Her voice drifted sweet and clear at the performance.  I kept wishing she had a mic, but apparently that didn't matter.  Several parents--and my mother--informed me of what went on while the Scribe sang, "Sometimes it lasts with love, but sometimes it hurts instead."  Apparently several of the boys were nodding forlornly.  One of them was rude and stuck his tongue out at her!  

    After school, I pulled the Scribe aside.  "Why did parents say boys were pointing and nodding while you sang?"
    "Those guys thought the song was about me and them."
    "What?  How many hearts have you broken?"
    "At least ten."
    "Scribe.  That isn't nice."  For living only a decade, she sure thinks she's a teenager.
    "Ten hearts.  That's one a year.  Not bad if you ask me."  She strutted--like a dude!
    "You really think they thought you sang to them?"
    "Oh, yeah," she said.  "I know they did because I talked to each of them separately at recess and told them the song was for them."
    "What?"
    "Yeah.  One kid said he loved me.  I said he shouldn't have kissed Maisy on a dare then!  Boys.  They always want to kiss Maisy and tell."
     "Wow!"  
    "Plus, guys will believe anything.  I'll only date when I meet a smart one who can see through my lies."
    "Oh really?  And you lie often?"
    "Yep."  She shrugged and started singing Adele's "Someone Like You" again as she went up to her bedroom, giggling the whole time.
    Are heart-breakers made or are they just born that way?  The poor guy who catches the Scribe.  He'll have his work cut out for him!  

    In closing, on Monday my book sales for Bible Girl & the Bad Boy were the best they've ever been.  I attribute this to my wise choice of drinks.  Sunday night I drank a coke and my book rating hit 77 on Amazon. I drank black coffee Monday morning and it hit 22. I drank beer and it hit 15. Then one question plagued me . . . What drink could boost sales even more?! What was better than beer, seriously? Holy water?
    Well, apparently water was not the right choice--holy or otherwise.  My ranking plummeted back to 22--which had sounded so fantastic just hours before--maybe ignorance really is bliss.  At least one thing is for sure, I'm never drinking water again, ever.

My book made the top 100!

    I have three excited things to tell you today--including something awesome about Fishducky.  
    I'm floating on air right now because the paperback version of Bible Girl & the Bad Boy is currently one of the top 100 women's memoirs on Amazon!  This morning it jumped up to number 22. I'm in shock.  The Golden Sky made this list in November, but was only in the 90s. Anyway, I can't believe it--and if this continues maybe it'll even make it to the top twenty!  If you'd like to check that out, you can see it under product details and then Amazon Best Sellers Rank.  Here's that link: Bible Girl & the Bad Boy.  
    The journey with this book has been interesting.  I've lost facebook friends over it.  For example a girl--who used to bully me in our high school locker room--read it and has since de-friended me.  She wrote (and I quote) "I was a kid.  Why would you write something like that in a book?"
    Well, because it happened and . . . unfortunately for her . . . I'm a nonfiction writer.   Plus, instead of apologizing, she sent me that?  Maybe she hasn't changed.
    On the other side, I wrote the book to explain to my family why I ran away when I was seventeen.  Not only has it brought healing, but I feel closer to my family.  They've been so understanding.  My brother even said he never knew what I'd gone through as a teenager.
    So, I'm not sure what helped the sales spike, but I do know that new people found my blog last weekend by searching "Bad Girl Bible."  Thank God for that search term!

    Anyway, thanks for all of your support.     
    Another neat thing is that both of Dee Ready's books also made it to Amazon's top 100 lists.  I can't imagine having two books make it at the same time!  Here's the link if you'd like to check that out as well: Dee Ready
    Also, I signed up for my first fair.  I'll be selling books and fabric this weekend.  I recently bought a mechanical dragon and I can't wait to put it on the table and tell people it's Ophyrus (the dragon from my other book).  The Scribe and the Hippie are going with me--so fun.

  

     The third thing is that Fishducky has started a blog.
    Here's the message she wanted me to pass on to everyone:

    A note: I've always said that I don't want my own blog. Just because I'm here doesn't mean that I've changed my mind. Elisa says that it takes her about an hour to get the stuff that I send her ready for posting & she just can't take that time any more. She is ONE BUSY LADY! With her instruction I'm going to try to do my own posting because I love her. I'm planning on posting Mondays & Fridays. Wish me luck!
-fishducky

Here's her button:

Feel Free to Grab It and go follow her at www.fishducky.blogspot.com :0) 

<a href="http://www.fishducky.blogspot.com" target="_blank"><img alt="Fishducky" src="http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/c186/Elisabeth83/fishducky_button1.jpg"/></a>

    Thanks for letting me share all of this with you!   

    Have an awesome day.  And I'll just be posting every Wednesday from now on since things are so busy.

-Elisa 

ADVICE FOR PROSPECTIVE AUTHORS: Fishducky Friday

Fishducky has joined us again with ADVICE FOR PROSPECTIVE AUTHORS.  This is gonna be good!

    Following is a list of children’s books that didn’t make it.  If you have written one with the same theme, I would suggest discarding it & going on to another book.  (These first ones are copied stolen borrowed from That’s Comedy, issue #0153)

1. YOU ARE DIFFERENT & THAT’S BAD
2. THE BOY WHO DIED FROM EATING ALL HIS VEGETABLES
3. DAD’S NEW WIFE ROBERT
4. FUN FOUR LETTER WORDS TO KNOW & SHARE
5. HAMMERS & POWER TOOLS (AN I-CAN-DO-IT-MYSELF BOOK)    
6. THE KIDS’ GUIDE TO HITCHHIKING
7. KATHY WAS SO BAD HER MOM STOPPED LOVING HER
8. CURIOUS GEORGE & THE HIGH VOLTAGE FENCE
9. ALL CATS GO TO HELL
10. THE LITTLE SISSY WHO SNITCHED
11. SOME KITTENS CAN FLY
12. THAT’S IT!  I’M PUTTING YOU UP FOR ADOPTION
13. GRANDPA GETS A CASKET
14. THE MAGIC WORLD INSIDE THE ABANDONED REFRIGERATOR
15. GARFIELD GETS FELINE LEUKEMIA
16. THE POP-UP BOOK OF HUMAN ANATOMY
17. STRANGERS HAVE THE BEST CANDY
18. WHINING, KICKING & CRYING TO GET YOUR WAY
19. YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
20. THINGS RICH KIDS HAVE, BUT YOU NEVER WILL
21. THE MAN IN THE MOON IS ACTUALLY SATAN
22. YOUR NIGHTMARES ARE REAL
23. PLACES WHERE MOMMY & DADDY HIDE NEAT THINGS
24. EGGS, TOILET PAPER & YOUR SCHOOL
25. WHY CAN’T MR. FORK & MS. ELECTRICAL OUTLET BE FRIENDS?

After extensive research, I have personally discovered these other titles while wandering through my mind.  They also fit in this category:

1. MOMMY & DADDY ARE NOT REALLY TAKING A NAP
2. JUST RUBBING IT UNTIL YOU NEED GLASSES
3. RUNNING WITH SCISSORS & OTHER FUN GAMES
4. HOW TO SHAVE HEADS
5. HIDE MOMMY’S WALLET & KEYS
6. FARTING FOR FUN & PROFIT
7. NEUTERING YOUR DOG AT HOME
8. KICK-THE-SEAT & OTHER GAMES TO PLAY ON A PLANE
9. WHY GRANDMA HAS A MOUSTACHE
10. THAT’S MY TOY—YOU CAN”T HAVE IT
11. PROJECTILE VOMITING CAN BE FUN
12. DECORATING YOUR WALLS WITH CRAYONS & MARKING PENS
13. FUNNY FACES & NOISES TO MAKE IN CHURCH & SCHOOL
14. WHAT TO DO IF YOUR FACE FREEZES LIKE THAT
15. IF JOHNNY JUMPS OFF A CLIFF, YOU SHOULD, TOO
16. HOW TO MICROWAVE YOUR PETS
17. WELCOMING DADDY HOME WHEN HE’S ON PAROLE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you have written any sort of book & hope to have it published, keep in mind that not only the subject matter, but also the title is very important.  Below is a list of books that became bestsellers only after the author changed the title:

What’s the Worst That Could Happen? / Great Expectations—Dickens

Beverly Hills & Compton / A Tale of Two Cities—Dickens

    (Dickens was apparently a slow learner.)

Can You Recommend a Good Lawyer? / Crime and Punishment—Dostoevsky

Huckleberry Argentinian / Huckleberry Finn--Twain

The Grapes of Welch’s / The Grapes of Wrath—Steinbeck

That’s Just Sick!! / Interpretation of Dreams—Freud

Close the Window, There’s a Draft / Gone With the Wind--Mitchell

Romeo and Jailbait / Romeo and Juliet--Shakespeare

Some Pretty Funny Stuff / The Divine Comedy—Dante

I’ll Give Him Five More Minutes / Waiting for Godot—Becket

The Worst Trip Ever / The Odyssey—Homer

Gatsby, You Suck! / The Great Gatsby—Fitzgerald

Those Zany Italians / The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire--Gibbon

Uncle Tom’s Condo / Uncle Tom’s Cabin—Stowe

Boy, Were They Pissed Off!! / Les Miserables--Hugo

Critique of Pure Bullshit / Critique of Pure Reason—Kant

The Big Fat Whale / Moby Dick—Melville

It may surprise you to learn that even the world’s all-time bestseller once had this very same problem:

I Brought My Son Into the Business / The Bible--God

The right title could mean the difference

between this:

 

and this:

    

I hope this was helpful----fishducky

Do you think the teen years are the hardest?

Looking back, I didn’t know I’d run away with a practical stranger, get married at seventeen, or end up as a homeless street musician. I didn’t know what turn of events would bring me there or help me find myself, because before all that, I was completely lost. It seems everything turned sour at one moment. A day that started with gossip and ended in an exorcism, that one, single day is the main reason I ran far from everything; why I ran to Hawaii.
    I’m not really sure how the rumors started. I couldn’t even tell you who set them in motion. All I know is that they exploded during history class. People talked as if I wasn’t there. I heard them whispering, “Did you hear about Bible Girl?” 

    Eager silence followed before the voices hissed louder. I didn’t want to hear their words and instead of facing my problems, I stared at the chalkboard. It blurred in my vision. The history of England changed to a mushy river as I pretended I wasn’t in the room. I couldn’t believe how callous my classmates could be. Putting my hand by my neck, I calmed my breathing. Their judgment was still there, deliberating over what I’d done. My hot eyes closed and tears split across my cheeks. I blinked, once, twice, but the chalkboard still looked blurry.  
    “And to think, she always talked about Jesus.”
    I saw myself burning in the fires of Hell. I just knew I’d go there because of my poor choices. I’d been a good Christian and then ruined it all, my reputation, my salvation . . . everything.
    I couldn’t swallow. As much as I tried, my throat wouldn’t cooperate. I sat fighting with my own nerves when one of the cutest boys in school bent down next to my desk. I wiped my eyes and glanced away to the right. My hand slid to the side of my face and blocked him from seeing my tears. And then he asked me a question that would haunt me for years.
    I couldn’t breathe. The damn chalkboard looked like it was right next to my face. The ceiling and the walls pulsed closer. The cynical voices grew too loud and I wanted to scream. The cute guy next to me closed one eye and pointed at my face. I focused on his hand and told myself to calm down.
    “I know why you did it,” he said, stroking his chin.
    I wouldn’t let him see me cry. I wouldn’t show those kids my weakness, but I knew I was about to explode. I burst past the jerk, slammed my homework on the teacher’s desk and left.
    It wasn’t that my life was bad. Far from it, really. A bunch of things had just spiraled out of control.



. . . I wanted to talk to you about the teen years.  I really wonder if the those years are the hardest.  Often we're trying to find ourselves as we deal with everything else.  Kids can be mean.  Adults can forget what it's like growing up.  And it's amazing that we make it through.  
    Today I thought about all of this because I encountered a teen who is struggling.  I took extra time to talk with them.  Sometimes just knowing one person cares can make all the difference.  As an adult, I forgot how hard it was being a teenager. 
    Although this example from my memoir Bible Girl: & the Bad Boy is vague in the beginning, I hope it will pull teens in enough to read on for answers--how I made it through.

Click HERE for more info:

    Is a teen in your life struggling?  Do they need your love and attention today?
    Additionally, do you think the teen years are the hardest?  Do you have stories similar to mine?

HOW TO ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY GUARANTEE A HAPPY MARRIAGE; Fishducky Funday

Welcome to Fishducky Funday!
I'll be back to post on Wednesday.
-Elisa

        I believe I have discovered the secret of a happy marriage!  What is it, you ask?  I’ll tell you.  It’s very simple.  The answer is MUSHROOMS.  Actually, not only mushrooms--that would be silly--but also olives (both green & black) & avocados.  You may ask, how can this be?  Bud & I have been married since February, 1955.  I have never cared for mushrooms (the taste is good but I HATE the consistency) & since he won’t eat olives or avocados, for over 57 years now any food offensive to one (but yummy to the other) automatically gets transferred to the other’s plate.  Don’t laugh—it works for us!

 

We still find each other (reasonably) attractive.  Perhaps that’s due to failing eyesight caused by old age.  We have both added a few pounds over the years.  My features are still good—but my face needs ironing. We both suffer from an advanced case of altakockeritis.  This is a disease that old Jews get that can’t be fully explained to those not of our faith.  (Think of it as a sort of mild form of Alzheimer’s.)  We share the belief that you know your relationship is solid when one of you can belch (or pass gas) & both of you can laugh.  Does this mean it’s true that love means never having to say you’re sorry?

  

I used to ask Bud, as a joke, “Are you still glad you married me?”   Depending on what had occurred prior to my asking, he would either smile & say, “Yes”, or moan & say sarcastically, “Oh, boy, am I EVER glad!”   For our 25th anniversary he gave me a charm which I wear on a neck chain.  It is one ounce of silver in the shape of an ingot.  On the front it says, “25” & on the back is “I’m glad”, my husband’s name & the date.  We went out to dinner with our family to celebrate our 50th anniversary.  I fully expected a gold version of the charm.  What I got instead was a cake he had ordered.  It was a loaf cake with yellow frosting, shaped like an ingot with a ring on one end to slip a “chain” through.  Written on the top was “I’m glad”.  I laughed & told him how clever I thought that was & asked him where my real gold one was.  He asked if I knew how much gold was selling for these days & said he wasn’t sure if I was still worth it.  I’m pretty sure he was kidding, but I’m still waiting for my gold ingot.

 

    He did have this made for me several years ago.  It’s gold, with tiny sapphire eyes.  It looks just like me, don’t you think?  It even has its mouth open.

                        

                                       This is me.                                     

 

This is my necklace.

Some people say that marriage is like a deck of cards.  All you need at the beginning is two hearts & a diamond.  By the end, you’re looking for a freaking club & a spade!  Then there’s the couple who were celebrating their 27th anniversary.  He gives her a beautiful bouquet of roses.  She looks at them & asks him why there are only 23 flowers.  He tells her there’s one for every good year of their marriage.  She smiles sweetly & tells him that she understands.  She then removes two roses from the bouquet & drops them in the wastebasket.

One of my sons sent me this:

http://austriantimes.at/image/30308/news/General_News/2012-06-08/42193/Shelling_Out_for_a_Divorce

I love adventure & surprises—that’s why I enjoy going for a drive with my husband.  We often take the scenic route to our destination.  We don’t plan to, he just gets lost.  He doesn’t have, nor does he want, a GPS, which is probably a good thing.  I can hear his GPS now, talking to him.  “I TOLD you to turn left 3.4 miles ago, but do you ever listen?”  (I hear a lot of things that nobody else does.  I used to be upset that the voices kept talking to me until I realized they were usually right!)

                                                         

My husband loves me most when I’m just being myself.  I’m glad, because I tried being someone else once--Jennifer Anniston--& it didn’t work.  I couldn’t fit into her body.  I love being married—it’s so great when you find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life!

For better or worse, I’m fishducky   

A POOPY POST; Fishducky Friday

Welcome, Fishducky!

A POOPY POST

Without a doubt, birds are the biggest perpetrators

of unwanted poop.  Would that make them “poopetrators”?

 

  

How birds see us  


 

A bird’s version of potty training

Maybe you should be nicer to your husband:
 

They’re into politics, too:
 

I don’t want to offend anyone.  Please feel free

to change the top 3 names to the administration of your choice.

We all know how much they love cars:

         

Birds aren’t the only of nature’s creatures to give us potty problems:
 

(This reminds me of a poem from my childhood.  If you have

trouble reading it, I’ve put a “translation” at the end of this post—

or you could ask your children to read it to you.)

A b, c d goldfish?

O, s, a r!  S, a r!

C m p n?

 

When one of my granddaughters was being toilet trained, her daddy put her on her baby potty (on the floor) & left the room for a minute.  When he returned, she was sitting there reading a magazine, upside down.  (The magazine was upside down, not my granddaughter.)  This isn’t her, but it’s pretty close:

I’ll leave you with some people who have something you never have—
a poopy attitude:

 

   

And, of course, this is NEVER you:

      

(The poem)

Abie, see the goldfish?

Hell, them ain’t no goldfish!

Oh, yes, they are!  Yes, they are!

See ‘em peein’?

I apologize for this post----fishducky

The Scribe, the Devil and a Very Nice Man

Do you remember when we bought a husky?  Here's a post to help jog your memory:

Owners and Dogs Look Alike

    Anyway, she's a hoot.  The Zombie Elf loves her the most and some days I've caught the two of them sleeping on the trampoline together.  Luna (our enormous dog who makes a great pillow)--loves jumping on the tramp with zombies, go figure.
    The other day Luna got out.  The Hippie stayed home to watch our zombie and Doctor Jones.  She wasn't feeling well that day (but is doing much better after going on a dairy-free diet; thanks for your prayers).      
    Back to the point, the dog got out; The Scribe chased her.  I tried following them in the van and instead lost them because I'd be a terrible cop and ALL the villains would get away.
    I ended up driving around for half an hour.  When I finally decided to check back at home, I found The Scribe walking Luna on a new leash. 
    "This has been THE WORST day," she said.
    "What happened?  I was so worried.  I looked everywhere for you."
    "Luna went under a fence and into someone's backyard.  I followed her and got all scrapped up by some rose bushes."  She showed me her arms--they looked bad.  "Anyway, Luna was there attacking someone's cat.  So, since Luna is huge and I couldn't get her to follow me, I jumped on her and then tried keeping her on the ground while the cat got away."
    "Oh my gosh.  You're so brave."  I meant it, too.
    "Not really," The Scribe said.  "I held Luna for so long and she just wanted to run away.  I didn't have a leash or anything, so I started crying for you."  She turned to me.  "YOU didn't answer!"
    "I didn't know where you were."
    "Anyway, as I yelled, an old lady opened the back door and saw me fighting with Luna in her yard.  Instead of helping, she screamed, went back inside, shut the door and locked it."
    "What?!  Are you kidding me?  She didn't know if you were in danger.  She had no idea if Luna was attacking you . . . and she locked the door?"
    "Yeah, I got so sad after that, I just stood up and that's when Luna followed me.  A nice guy saw Luna following me.  He put this leash on her and said I could bring it back whenever."
    "What a great person," I said.  And it almost made up for the old woman's actions.  "But that lady . . . why didn't she help you?"
    "It wasn't very nice.  She looked really old, though," The Scribe said.
    "How old?" I asked.
    "At least forty."
    I almost choked.  How old does she think I look?!  "I don't care how old someone is.  I don't care if they're young and scrawny.  I don't care if they're more selfish than the devil.  I don't care IF they're over forty!  If I saw a child struggling with A BEAR--I would try to do something to help even if it meant I'd die trying.  You don't leave someone to die."
    The Scribe giggled.  "This really bothers you, doesn't it?  A bear?"
    "Yeah!  I hope you'll remember this.  As people, moments will come into our lives when we can help OR stand by as someone else gets hurt.  We can make the right choice--a difference."
    "I guess we can."  The Scribe nodded.  "I'll never forget the woman who ignored me, or the man who helped.  Most of all I'm just glad Luna's back."
    "Me too."  I smiled.
    After we put Luna in the house, we returned the leash.  The man was so nice that I had to tell him about the old lady.  "Some people," he said.  "Who in the world would turn away from helping a child?"    
    Yeah, I thought.  And to think, The Scribe wasn't even facing a bear!