Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Rumor (Entry 1)

    I have to admit that I'm really apprehensive writing this. It's a hard part of my life to share, but maybe that means it's something I should do.
    So, with complete nervousness, here's the beginning of my memoir about how I fell in love. I know the start is a bit rocky, but it will get better, I promise.
    Here we go . . .

    Looking back, when I got married at seventeen, I didn't know I would end up as a homeless street musician. I didn't know I'd run away with a practical stranger. I didn't know what turn of events would bring me there or help me find myself, because before all that, I was completely lost. I guess it all spawned from one day when everything turned sour. That particular day started with gossip and ended in an exorcism. One single day, is the main reason I ran far from everything, why I ran to Hawaii.
    I'm not sure how the rumors started. I couldn't even tell you who set them in motion. All I know is that they exploded in history class. People talked as if I wasn't there. I heard them whispering. "Did you hear about Bible Girl?"
    Eager silence followed before the voices hissed louder. I didn't want to hear their words and instead of facing my problems, I stared at the chalkboard. It blurred in my vision. The history of England changed to a mushy river as I pretended I wasn't in the room. I couldn't believe how callous my classmates could be. I put my hand by my neck and calmed my breathing. Their judgment stayed behind me though, deliberating over what I'd done. I closed my hot eyes and tears split across my cheeks. I blinked, once, twice, but the chalkboard still looked blurry.
    "And to think, she always talked about Jesus."
    I saw myself burning in the fires of Hell. I just knew I'd go there because of my poor choices. I'd been a good Christian and then ruined it all, my reputation, my salvation . . . everything.
    I couldn't swallow. As much as I tried, my throat wouldn't cooperate. I sat, fighting with my own nerves when one of the cutest boys in school bent down next to my desk. I wiped my eyes and glanced away to the right. My hand slid to the side of my face and blocked him from seeing my tears. He asked me a question, one single question that would haunt me for years.
    I couldn't breathe. That damn chalkboard looked like it was right next to my face. The ceiling and the walls pulsed closer. The cynical voices grew too loud and I wanted to scream.
    The cute guy next to me closed one eye and pointed. I focused on his hand and told myself to calm down. "I know why you did it." He stroked his chin.
    I wouldn't let him see me cry. I wouldn't show those kids my weakness, but I knew I was about to explode. I burst past the jerk, slammed my homework on the teacher's desk and left.

    It wasn't that my life was bad. It really wasn't. A bunch of things just spiraled out of control. Maybe it was my three jobs, one of which kept me up until two in the morning. Or maybe my ailing faith and the two best friends I'd lost. Whatever the problem, everything had gone incredibly wrong, all in a matter of weeks.
    I bet you're wondering why a Bible Girl could be so unhappy. What could make someone stuff clothes in their locker and want to run away? I guess it wouldn't make sense to an outsider, not at this point. That's probably because I'm starting in the wrong place. I should go back a couple years earlier, to when things were simple. Back when I had unending faith and the innocence of a saint.
    I guess where this story really starts is when I met a guy in the trunk of a car. It was quite romantic, in a funny sort of way. So, let’s go back to when I was fifteen and thought I was in love.


  1. I can only think of two words to write Elisa...hugs and perseverance...and that is all I will write :-)

  2. Ya know, Elisa, when I lost my virginity (not to my husband either), I felt horrible. Everyone knew me as the kind Christian who had morals and blah blah blah...but, the fact was that I made a mistake...I could never get those few minutes out of my head and they haunted me every where I went. I'm sorry your day that day was horrible, but look at your life now. You wouldn't trade it for anything, would you?

  3. Elisa, I love your story. You tell such beautiful prose about yourself and how your felt. I am sorry that people have short minds and judging eyes. What a great story! I love it.

  4. You asked me to tell you if this is something you shouldn't have written. I say you absolutly needed to write this. People need to see how being so judgmental can truly devestate young peoples lives. Good for you! I applaud you for being so honest and sharing such a personal message. You're my hero!

  5. Melynda was right, you do have a great blog. Thank you for judgements here. My favorite phrase is "when I make mistakes, I make them big"...that way I can remember.
    Stephanie D

  6. It's hard to put yourself "out there." On the web and in public. But, you are a great writer and a great testimony. It will be healing to write and healing for hurting women to read it.

  7. What a horrible teacher. He shouldn't be allowed to teach kids if he has that kind of lack of compassion.

    You certainly had a rough time. People can be so cruel and thoughtless. Take care *hugs*

  8. I agree with C.A., you definitely needed to write this. I just recently found your blog and I must say it is one of my favorites. I think it's sad that so many people, especially young people, are taught the wrong doctrines. Christianity isn't anything if it's not grace and forgiveness, yet so many just focus on obedience and legalism. I'd love to hear the rest, so my vote is for the second half of the story. :)

  9. Your writing traverses an entire gamut of emotions as you describe circumstances experienced by many, but expressed by few.
    Your courage to share gives release those who are unable to voice similar trauma in their lives.
    I voted for you to write about your living homeless in Hawaii. I'm truly interested in hearing your story.
    Aloha, Gail

  10. Wonderfly written. You are brave for puting yourself out there. Thank you so much for sharing and for being that wonderful and honest person that you are. I am so glad that I can come here and know just a small piece of you.

  11. Love your stories. I know too well how kids are cruel and can make up anything to put others down and build themselves up. Thanks for sharing!

  12. I am so glad you posted this! I can't wait to read your memoirs. Your writings are amazing Elisa, be it light hearted daily rants, or deep emotional experiences. I would follow you naywhere! x

  13. This is really good. So proud of you. I love the word "bonk" btw. ;)