Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Twenty-ager Crisis!!!

Too bad I'm not thirty yet!


     I'm twenty-nine.  And now I can't get a certain conversation out of my mind.  Last year one of my friends insisted on telling me how sad it is that I'm not thirty yet.
     "Why?" I asked.
     "Because women in their thirties appreciate life so much more than women in their twenties. In fact, if you have kids when you're over thirty you appreciate them even more. Plus sex is better in your thirties."
    This may sound silly, but now I can't wait until I'm thirty. Maybe a light bulb will suddenly turn on in my head and light will shine from my nostrils. I'll finally be able to sing the alphabet backwards; I'll do that front hand spring I never mastered as a kid and my husband will be a very happy man. There's just one problem, one year seems like a long time to wait.
    So, like a bull being taunted by a man in tights, I'm actually excited to get older. When you turn thirty angels sing. You lose that extra pound you've been hiding in your butt, and your boobs get bigger than a fourth grader's. At least that's what it sounds like--but I don't really know. I'm just an uncool twenty-ager.
    I have to call myself a twenty-ager because now I just feel like the crap age. I'm not a teenager (thank God for that, they keep looking younger and younger) but I'm not in my thirties yet either. I must admit I'm a little scared though. I already appreciate things so much since Zeke died, if I become more appreciative I might explode with gratefulness.
    What do you think, is life better after you turn thirty???

Here's my awesome list for why I want to be really old.

If in a hostage situation I'll get released first.

I can gain two hundred pounds and no one will care. Then if someone breaks into my house they'll have picked a real wrinkly winner. I can sit on them and they'll cry for mercy and turn to a life of goodness.

If I grow nose hairs I won't have to pluck them because everyone expects old people to have nose hairs.

When people are mean, I can poke them with my violin bow and call it an accident.

Sexual harassment charges won't stick.

No one will expect me to be the hero, I'll get to be the victim who needs saving--for once.

Cade (my husband) is gonna look sexy as a bald old man.

There will be nothing left to learn the hard way.

I won't have to worry about anything wearing out, I can just take it to the grave.

My birth certificate will say "expired."

Gravity will be my worst enemy and my only friend.

I won't have to sleep with my teeth anymore.

I can say, "I remember when gasoline was less than a dollar, Sunny." And my dyed purple hair will glisten beautifully.

I'll have a clear conscience and no memory.

And finally, my kids can put me in a home for awesomely nutty people. My roomies will tell me stories I can write in my blog and we'll get to eat hospital food all day long.


  1. "I can sit on them and they'll cry for mercy and turn to a life of goodness."

    LOL...that's been my plan all along.

  2. Love all of the great reasons to get old. Sex didn't get better until my later 30's and at 40 I started to appreciate what life was really about. LOL!

  3. The best thing for me being old is living in the moment, with gratitude. And yes, sex got better in my late thirties too.

  4. As you know, I'm 77--& I'm STILL waiting for light to shine from my nostrils!!

    (Although it IS possible that after so many years, the bulb has burned out.)

  5. I'm liking my 40's even more than my 30's actually! I still feel like a punk kid though all of the time!;)

    Hey, I was hoping you'd check out my new site called Club-Content. You certainly aren't suffering in the blog content category, but you might find it fun to enter the writing contests! I could see you winning a few;)


  6. I have to say your friend is right! I was careless and wreckless in my 20s and stupid. I didn't know the meaning of family and money, but not in my thirties and having had children in my thirties I think I do look back and appreciate things a whole lot more. It's just different.

  7. Age is just a number basically to me, never knew there was a difference being thirty, I guess now I know. Still have a few years to go. Like your outlook on old age too, but the one thing I can't wait to do, is rip off lethal weapon and say "I'm too old for this ****" to everything and it will actually stick..haha

  8. I've hit my 60s and haven't noticed any huge changes over the years. They've all been small ones--that pay no attention to how old I am. But I am still far away from anything you describe--except for getting fat and remembering when gasoline was less than a dollar. ;)

  9. If you want to get rid of your memories, start taking meth now. Or you can keep the memories. And your teeth.

    Besides, being over 30 isn't that great. Your friends are lying to you.

  10. Ha ha ha, my head appreciates my age more than my body does!

  11. I had some pithy comments to make, young lady, but I'm too damn old to remember what they were. Oh well best go take some geritol and yell at some kids to get off my lawn.

    As for bald men being sexy...nah, I can't even type it with a straight face. Every morning I look into the mirror and consider gluing the excess dog & cat hair lying about to the top of my head.

  12. Hmmmmm. I'm almost 53. It's been up and down, up and down, always the roller coaster, never any other ride. I guess it's better than the ferris wheel and always traveling in a circle.


  13. Dear Elisa,
    The thirties are fine; the forties are fantastic; the fifties are freeing; the sixties are rewarding; and the seventies bring many new blogging friends! I say this as someone who has met so many interesting and intriguing people since I started blogging last May.

    As to being thirty next year, I encourage you to live in the present. Don't miss the joy and learning of being 29 by longing for 30.
    Swing with it!


  14. Your absolutely hilarious!
    "When people are mean, I can poke them with my violin bow and call it an accident."
    :} Great blog and post!


  15. Technically even though you are 29 you're working on completing your 30th congrats, you're like a junior thirty! Confused? Nope, that doesn't happen until you're 43....ughhhhhh

  16. Sleeping with your teeth in is totally overrated :)

    Can't wait til I'm in my 30s, though I'm sure I'll still be mistaken for a teen. Should be good times!

  17. When I hit 30 I cried like a baby. I didn't have a "career" or own a house. At 40 I celebrated because I had all of those things. At 50 I wished I was 30 again! It does get better with age. I'm proud of being 51 and still wearing mini skirts and have long hair. Enjoy every minute regardless of the "number". Hugs.

  18. Like that list of things that can be done after we get old.
    Isn't it a good thing that we look forward to something, instead of weeping and moaning "Oh God I am getting older"

  19. I want to walk with a cane so I can hit young people with it or use it to poke people......
    I do remember my 30's those days were busy worring about my children blood hell I am still worring about my children bugga that will never change.............

  20. Being 30s was great. I felt more confident and less awkward. 40s were good, too. But, that's where I have to stop. The 50s didn't work out so well for me.

  21. I loved this tongue-in-cheek narrative! What a wonderful poser and story teller you are, Elisa.

  22. Your list of awesome reasons for being old made me laugh. I haven't thought of a single one of those. I think after 6 years of college I've changed enough for a lifetime. Except for getting a job and moving out of my childhood home, nothing about my life needs to change. Ever. Because it probably won't.

  23. Sorry Elisa, you got it all wrong, none of that happens until you've passed your fifties. And then you become invisible.

  24. bwhahahahaaaa! i'm 29 as well, and i was fearing (not strongly but about as much as i fear the moment my middle son takes off his socks and the smell permeates the room- just as inevitable as aging that is) the turn to thirty. now, i have a completely fresh perspective.
    regarding sexual harassment charges= too true! my hubs works in a hospital, and he comes home laughing over elderly women smacking his ass. somehow, i find it cute when they do it... but if it were one of the young nurses... i'd cut that bitch. :P

  25. Uh, when I turned thirty, I started feeling aches and pains I had never felt before. When I turned forty, that quadrupled. It's good to be 29. Enjoy it. :)

  26. I'm glad you are a year ahead of me so you can tell me how 30 really is when I'm 29. If it's not all that it's cracked up to be then I'll just do what my mom-in-law does and just stay at 29 ;)

  27. Hilarious! It looks like you have a lot to look forward to in life! I think you should enjoy every moment of 29. I am in my 30s- and they are freeing- but you do start to notice body pains a little bit more than the 20s. I guess each new decade brings with it changes in the body and mind!

  28. I am struggling trying to remember what much of my 20s entailed. Perhaps that is an advantage as well.

  29. Lol! Funny. I tell my kids all the time, between the four of them...they better put me in a decent home!!!

    PS...the 30s are more of a blur than the 20s.