Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I. Saw. A. Corpse.

I'm not giving any names, but I had reason to believe that something died in a cave up Ogden Canyon.  So I texted my friend Tony: "You wanna go see something dead in a cave?"
    "How can I say no to that?" he replied because some people are born epic.
    So we went to the cave.  I threw Tony a flashlight, turned on the one I'd kept for myself, and we crawled combat style into the dark opening.
    There were some gross things in there: beer bottles, wrappers, unfinished homework, an unused feminine pad.  And I realized again, some things are worse than death--like being a girl AND having a period! 
    I was about to tell Tony that womanhood sucks, when I suddenly saw a black shape in front of us.
    "Oh. My. Hell," I gasped and pointed the flashlight toward the shape of doom.  "I think . . . that's dead!"  I was nervous, honestly, and excited.  Like a real-live Zombie Apocalypse was about to happen.  That dead son-of-a-beast would probably rise up, since we'd disturbed its death, then it would totally-bypass-me 'cause I'm a gem, then go for Tony's throat. 
    I worried for Tony then; I'm selfless AND not a pansy--and I wanted Tony to know it!  After all, he's the same guy who isn't afraid of nothin'--the same guy who got us kicked out of a hockey game 'cause I'd he'd smuggled in some Listerine bottles with whiskey in them.  He's the same legendary man who won a ham at a bowl-off last Christmas--then gave the prize to a man in need.  
    He's part Filipino, part tiger, and damn it I wanted to seem like a badass too!  So I crawled closer to the black shape--like I was unphased--my heart racing . . . until I realized the black shape was a jacket.
    "A jacket, EC?  Really?  You were all worked up ABOUT A JACKET," Tony the Tiger said.
    "Listen here, Buddy!  That zipper, looked like a claw hanging over that rock.  All dangerous and terrifying.  Were you the one crawling closer?  No!  You weren't.  EC go first--you said--EC crawl closer."  I kept moving after that, laughing the whole way.
    Tony snorted--that's what badasses do.  "Only you would send me a text that says: something died in a cave--wanna check it out?  Of course you should go first.  Most chicks like watching movies.  Or going to dinner.  Not EC, man!"
    The rocks were digging into my knees.  "Damn, I wish I'd brought knee pads."  
    "I wish I had a helmet!" he said.  Tony is bald.  I've told him before I have no sympathy for bald men--one day he'll listen.
    We went about another twenty feet farther in.  And all I could think about were those damn rocks, and how there was a light coming from the end of the cave.
    "What in the heck is this?"  I suddenly knocked on a pipe running along the ground to the side of us.
    "EC. It's. A. Pipe."
    "I wonder what the hell it's doing here."  I was flippin' mystified.  "A pipe--there has to be no freakin' way!"
    I thought Tony would be amazed--instead he nearly died in that cave--wheezing with laughter.  "I don't think this is a natural cave, EC."
    "But how did the pipe get here?"
    "EC, man! It's a pipeline.  For the water runoff. Ya know, we're in the mountains?"
    "You mean to tell me, THIS ISN'T A NATURAL CAVE?  And nothin' died in here?  Screw this!"
    "Ummm, EC.  You're a jerk!" Tony sounded actually upset.
    "Excuse me?  Like it's my fault nothing died in here."
    "No. You're a jerk 'cause you didn't tell me you just passed a corpse!  Dude, you're the one in front of me.  You coulda said, Tony, there's a freakin' dead animal.  Don't put your hand on it!"
    I scoffed because if there's anything I know about people who are part tiger, it's that they think I'm gullible.
    "Oh, I'm sure!"  I turned around, crawled back and shone my light on death personified--in rabbit form.  Its innards were its outtards.  Its claw . . . was disgusting.  A rock covered its face.  I'd showed up to the damn thing's funeral--and I DID NOT WANT TO BE THERE.
    Then I freaked out as this imagine flashed through my mind!
 photo bunnicula_zps7a203766.jpg

    "What the flippin' A--"  I have never crawled that fast in my life.  I never knew a rabbit--thing--could scare me so much.  I wanted Tony the Tiger to think I'm tough since I need a good friend--but screw that.  Moments before, I had crawled over: A. Dead. Animal.  And if it was a rabbit, that made things worse!  Haven't you read Bunnicula?  The rabbit was totally a vampire, and that's scarier than hell.  See!
 photo bunnicula2_zps755950c4.jpg
    We made it out of the cave; I dropped to my knees, trying to keep from peeing my pants--I was laughing that hard.
    "Best. Pipeline-cave. Ev-er!" I squealed, then followed up with, "I told you something died in there!"
    Tony raised an eyebrow and smiled.  "Only you, EC."

So yesterday I learned that:
*People who are part Filipino/part tiger ARE NOT PHASED by death.  
*I can be a pansy.  
*And caves whether natural or just glorified pipelines are pretty awesome.  

All in all, facing death has never been so ridiculously fun.


  1. You have the WEIRDEST adventures!!

  2. Caves are pretty cool, but crawling over dead bunny rabbits - eeewwweeee!!!

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  3. I think you need to stay at home and read some good books, like Pollyanna and Anne of Green Gables.


  4. Life is an adventure.

  5. Yikes. A surprise (some unwanted) at every turn. Who knew that spelunking was so much fun?