"How can I say no to that?" he replied because some people are born epic.
So we went to the cave. I threw Tony a flashlight, turned on the one I'd kept for myself, and we crawled combat style into the dark opening.
There were some gross things in there: beer bottles, wrappers, unfinished homework, an unused feminine pad. And I realized again, some things are worse than death--like being a girl AND having a period!
I was about to tell Tony that womanhood sucks, when I suddenly saw a black shape in front of us.
"Oh. My. Hell," I gasped and pointed the flashlight toward the shape of doom. "I think . . . that's dead!" I was nervous, honestly, and excited. Like a real-live Zombie Apocalypse was about to happen. That dead son-of-a-beast would probably rise up, since we'd disturbed its death, then it would totally-bypass-me 'cause I'm a gem, then go for Tony's throat.
I worried for Tony then; I'm selfless AND not a pansy--and I wanted Tony to know it! After all, he's the same guy who isn't afraid of nothin'--the same guy who got us kicked out of a hockey game 'cause
He's part Filipino, part tiger, and damn it I wanted to seem like a badass too! So I crawled closer to the black shape--like I was unphased--my heart racing . . . until I realized the black shape was a jacket.
"A jacket, EC? Really? You were all worked up ABOUT A JACKET," Tony the Tiger said.
"Listen here, Buddy! That zipper, looked like a claw hanging over that rock. All dangerous and terrifying. Were you the one crawling closer? No! You weren't. EC go first--you said--EC crawl closer." I kept moving after that, laughing the whole way.
Tony snorted--that's what badasses do. "Only you would send me a text that says: something died in a cave--wanna check it out? Of course you should go first. Most chicks like watching movies. Or going to dinner. Not EC, man!"
The rocks were digging into my knees. "Damn, I wish I'd brought knee pads."
"I wish I had a helmet!" he said. Tony is bald. I've told him before I have no sympathy for bald men--one day he'll listen.
We went about another twenty feet farther in. And all I could think about were those damn rocks, and how there was a light coming from the end of the cave.
"What in the heck is this?" I suddenly knocked on a pipe running along the ground to the side of us.
"EC. It's. A. Pipe."
"I wonder what the hell it's doing here." I was flippin' mystified. "A pipe--there has to be no freakin' way!"
I thought Tony would be amazed--instead he nearly died in that cave--wheezing with laughter. "I don't think this is a natural cave, EC."
"But how did the pipe get here?"
"EC, man! It's a pipeline. For the water runoff. Ya know, we're in the mountains?"
"You mean to tell me, THIS ISN'T A NATURAL CAVE? And nothin' died in here? Screw this!"
"Ummm, EC. You're a jerk!" Tony sounded actually upset.
"Excuse me? Like it's my fault nothing died in here."
"No. You're a jerk 'cause you didn't tell me you just passed a corpse! Dude, you're the one in front of me. You coulda said, Tony, there's a freakin' dead animal. Don't put your hand on it!"
I scoffed because if there's anything I know about people who are part tiger, it's that they think I'm gullible.
"Oh, I'm sure!" I turned around, crawled back and shone my light on death personified--in rabbit form. Its innards were its outtards. Its claw . . . was disgusting. A rock covered its face. I'd showed up to the damn thing's funeral--and I DID NOT WANT TO BE THERE.
Then I freaked out as this imagine flashed through my mind!
"What the flippin' A--" I have never crawled that fast in my life. I never knew a rabbit--thing--could scare me so much. I wanted Tony the Tiger to think I'm tough since I need a good friend--but screw that. Moments before, I had crawled over: A. Dead. Animal. And if it was a rabbit, that made things worse! Haven't you read Bunnicula? The rabbit was totally a vampire, and that's scarier than hell. See!
We made it out of the cave; I dropped to my knees, trying to keep from peeing my pants--I was laughing that hard.
"Best. Pipeline-cave. Ev-er!" I squealed, then followed up with, "I told you something died in there!"
Tony raised an eyebrow and smiled. "Only you, EC."
So yesterday I learned that:
*People who are part Filipino/part tiger ARE NOT PHASED by death.
*I can be a pansy.
*And caves whether natural or just glorified pipelines are pretty awesome.
All in all, facing death has never been so ridiculously fun.