Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I. Saw. A. Corpse.

I'm not giving any names, but I had reason to believe that something died in a cave up Ogden Canyon.  So I texted my friend Tony: "You wanna go see something dead in a cave?"
    "How can I say no to that?" he replied because some people are born epic.
    So we went to the cave.  I threw Tony a flashlight, turned on the one I'd kept for myself, and we crawled combat style into the dark opening.
    There were some gross things in there: beer bottles, wrappers, unfinished homework, an unused feminine pad.  And I realized again, some things are worse than death--like being a girl AND having a period! 
    I was about to tell Tony that womanhood sucks, when I suddenly saw a black shape in front of us.
    "Oh. My. Hell," I gasped and pointed the flashlight toward the shape of doom.  "I think . . . that's dead!"  I was nervous, honestly, and excited.  Like a real-live Zombie Apocalypse was about to happen.  That dead son-of-a-beast would probably rise up, since we'd disturbed its death, then it would totally-bypass-me 'cause I'm a gem, then go for Tony's throat. 
    I worried for Tony then; I'm selfless AND not a pansy--and I wanted Tony to know it!  After all, he's the same guy who isn't afraid of nothin'--the same guy who got us kicked out of a hockey game 'cause I'd he'd smuggled in some Listerine bottles with whiskey in them.  He's the same legendary man who won a ham at a bowl-off last Christmas--then gave the prize to a man in need.  
    He's part Filipino, part tiger, and damn it I wanted to seem like a badass too!  So I crawled closer to the black shape--like I was unphased--my heart racing . . . until I realized the black shape was a jacket.
    "A jacket, EC?  Really?  You were all worked up ABOUT A JACKET," Tony the Tiger said.
    "Listen here, Buddy!  That zipper, looked like a claw hanging over that rock.  All dangerous and terrifying.  Were you the one crawling closer?  No!  You weren't.  EC go first--you said--EC crawl closer."  I kept moving after that, laughing the whole way.
    Tony snorted--that's what badasses do.  "Only you would send me a text that says: something died in a cave--wanna check it out?  Of course you should go first.  Most chicks like watching movies.  Or going to dinner.  Not EC, man!"
    The rocks were digging into my knees.  "Damn, I wish I'd brought knee pads."  
    "I wish I had a helmet!" he said.  Tony is bald.  I've told him before I have no sympathy for bald men--one day he'll listen.
    We went about another twenty feet farther in.  And all I could think about were those damn rocks, and how there was a light coming from the end of the cave.
    "What in the heck is this?"  I suddenly knocked on a pipe running along the ground to the side of us.
    "EC. It's. A. Pipe."
    "I wonder what the hell it's doing here."  I was flippin' mystified.  "A pipe--there has to be no freakin' way!"
    I thought Tony would be amazed--instead he nearly died in that cave--wheezing with laughter.  "I don't think this is a natural cave, EC."
    "But how did the pipe get here?"
    "EC, man! It's a pipeline.  For the water runoff. Ya know, we're in the mountains?"
    "You mean to tell me, THIS ISN'T A NATURAL CAVE?  And nothin' died in here?  Screw this!"
    "Ummm, EC.  You're a jerk!" Tony sounded actually upset.
    "Excuse me?  Like it's my fault nothing died in here."
    "No. You're a jerk 'cause you didn't tell me you just passed a corpse!  Dude, you're the one in front of me.  You coulda said, Tony, there's a freakin' dead animal.  Don't put your hand on it!"
    I scoffed because if there's anything I know about people who are part tiger, it's that they think I'm gullible.
    "Oh, I'm sure!"  I turned around, crawled back and shone my light on death personified--in rabbit form.  Its innards were its outtards.  Its claw . . . was disgusting.  A rock covered its face.  I'd showed up to the damn thing's funeral--and I DID NOT WANT TO BE THERE.
    Then I freaked out as this imagine flashed through my mind!
 photo bunnicula_zps7a203766.jpg

    "What the flippin' A--"  I have never crawled that fast in my life.  I never knew a rabbit--thing--could scare me so much.  I wanted Tony the Tiger to think I'm tough since I need a good friend--but screw that.  Moments before, I had crawled over: A. Dead. Animal.  And if it was a rabbit, that made things worse!  Haven't you read Bunnicula?  The rabbit was totally a vampire, and that's scarier than hell.  See!
 photo bunnicula2_zps755950c4.jpg
    We made it out of the cave; I dropped to my knees, trying to keep from peeing my pants--I was laughing that hard.
    "Best. Pipeline-cave. Ev-er!" I squealed, then followed up with, "I told you something died in there!"
    Tony raised an eyebrow and smiled.  "Only you, EC."

So yesterday I learned that:
*People who are part Filipino/part tiger ARE NOT PHASED by death.  
*I can be a pansy.  
*And caves whether natural or just glorified pipelines are pretty awesome.  

All in all, facing death has never been so ridiculously fun.