Wednesday, March 5, 2014

How to Have an Ugly Baby

I swear I'm not making this up . . .

To have an ugly baby you must:
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#1    Swoon Mr. Bean

#2    Eat unhealthily . . . healthy eating leads to cute babies.  Unhealthy eating--if it involves coke and chips--also leads to cute babies.  If you're wanting to pack an ugly, you must eat things like MSG and those gummy candies with loads of dye in them!

#3    You must have whoopie in the light.  Darkness leads to cute babies.  If you're going for an ugly one, please keep the lights on full blast.  Buy photography spotlights if you have to, construction lights, I don't care; just do it!

#4    Have your man drink three cups of coffee right before making "the ugly."  Three cups--to the drop--no more, no less.

#5    Never--UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES--eat cereal. This is a fatal 'no, no' as cereal leads to ultimate cuteness.  I've watched it happen time and again.  Mothers who eat cereal have prize-winning babies.  I know a baby named Sam who's a cover model--trust me, her mom ate cereal.

#6    The reverse cowboy position is your bane.  Don't do it!  Anything to do with cowboys . . . it leads to cute babies.
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Well, I guess not ALL things related to cowboys.
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Cowboy Mimes might actually help babies cross over to the ugly side!  I normally LOVE mimes, but this is just strange--in a Joker kind of way!

So, with all that being said . . . I'm totally kidding.  I googled "How to have a boy" and most of this information came up as what NOT to do.   Whether you believe it or not, that's up to you, but for me . . . I think it's hilariously awesome!

I've been thinking of babies filled with ugliness because of my friend's daughter.   She came over and randomly told me some of her theories on life.  "I know how to make an ugly baby," she said.
    I cleared my throat and after wiping the shock from my face, squinted in her direction and said, "Oh, really?  And how does one go about . . . making an ugly baby?"
    "Well, two ugly people, will make an ugly baby.  Two good looking people, will make an ugly baby.  The only way to have a cute baby, is if you have one ugly person and one cute person."
    "So . . . you better find yourself an ugly man," I said.
    "Exactly," she said and plopped down on my couch. 
    "But what about Depp?" I asked knowing she has a thing for good ol' Johnny.
    "Johnny Depp?" she asked.
    "Yeah."
    She thought for a minute.  "If I married him, then I'd adopt.  People have to make concessions sometimes."

We always have the funniest conversations.  I'm just glad I'm not the only one who has such awesome theories.
Do you have any golden theories?  I hope you do because I'd love to read them!